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09-23-18 12:18 AM
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Xeogaming Forums - Sunset Waterfall - Me Updates: This is some Deep Shit | |
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True Flight

The One








Since: 08-21-04

Since last post: 650 days
Last activity: 635 days
Posted on 11-24-16 02:22 AM Link | Quote
Hey all, I've been told by Spartan to come back and well... I thought about it for a long time about coming back. My social anxiety was the main cause as to why it made me so hesitant, but honestly... I have some good friends here.

I'm want to be honest. I'm not the same person I was back before I deployed, but I want everyone to know I'm alive... and well... for the most part.

Before we get into some of the major and minor issues I want to make a couple of disclaimers.

1. This is to vent, if I offend you, I do apologize. I have had several cases of foot in mouth for a while. I have been snippy and snappy at a lot of people because of my issues, but in the long run I will know when I'm wrong and admit it.

2. If you don't want to get deep into this post, don't. Just don't even bother. The main reason I want to let everyone here know how I'm doing because they probably know where I'm coming from and let's face it, even though we haven't talked in years, I'm certain you all will be happy to hear that I have small victories every now and then.

3. Since my husband is sick of hearing about it, I think right here would be a good place to put out my thoughts. Saying things like "Get over it, and you'll feel better in the long run" is not what I want to hear or read. "It gets better" is my mantra, but I'm going to be frank, it has gotten worse and worse.

So here's what has been going on with the Sorch.

As everyone knows, I deployed back in '09. It was a pretty easy deployment, but I dealt with things that no person should have dealt with. I heard the goriness of those that were shot when "the enemy" invaded our FOB. I helped give medical aid when we ran out of medics because I was combat medic qualified. However, I did not participate in any firefights because our contractors were in control of that area.

Coming home was hard. It was exhausting for one because of all the stuff I had to do paperwork wise, but other than that settling in has been a huge chore. The immense amount of paranoia hit and it hit hard. I acquired a hypervigilant way of looking around. There was a threat at every Walmart and I still to this day cannot stand rooms without windows. It aggravates Eric because I cannot remember anything for the life of me. He has to remind me about what I'm doing and where I'm going every day.

I have psychotic breakdowns every time my daughter has her two toddler best friends come over to my home. The whole room feels like it closes in on me and when I get to the point of no return I snap at everyone because I cannot say "I need help."

When I am working with people at work I constantly have panic attacks and I can't seem to function. It just feels like there is something about to happen.

Loud noises set me off, I can't take fireworks anymore. If I can't see them, I will be set off.

When things zip by me, like if someone were to throw something behind me and then it hits the wall, I have to go back to my room and hide under my sheets until someone tells me that it's going to be alright.

I hear voices, those that have not made it back, I hear them. Constantly. They are in my dreams and they follow me around places like Walmart and Kroger making me go insane. I will see their faces where ever I go.

When I am in one of my moods, my husband will blame me for ignoring me when I am trying to organize my thoughts. Which will then set me off to screaming at him and walking away.

All in all, psychologically speaking. I feel like crap and I feel like I'm going to die everyday. I don't want to get up and I don't want to socialize. Getting out of the house just to go to work in the morning is a chore. Everyone doesn't want me around mainly because I'm a Debbie Downer. After opening up completely to a friend, he turned me away blaming his ignoring of me on his "busy schedule" when one of my closest military buds called bullshit on this. His thoughts of friendship is that he would drop anything just to talk to me. Even though he has a dark philosophy on life, he turns around and talks to me. No matter what the hour.

Physically speaking... I'm not doing so hot as well.

I have a bone spur in my ankle that I feel digging into my tendons everyday. My knees have cracks in the joints from osteoarthritis and my back is looking pretty bad now. I'm in a lot of pain everyday, but every time I walk up to my pain killers and attempt to take one, I suddenly don't need it anymore.

I have tinitus, meaning I only hear ringing in my ears whenever it is completely quiet. It comes from being next to a generator.

So yeah... After being rejected by one of my friends I posted this here to see what would happen.

Yes I've gone to the VA for assistance and put in a claim. I'm working on my benefits, but I need a good counselor. The last counselor I had when I was doing intake at the facility, I told him about an incident that happened in AIT back in 2007, but he in turn compared my situation to Bill Cosby. Mental help is not the greatest here in Rome, GA. It drives anyone insane to the point where they don't want to go to there sessions.
Xeoman

Gibdo
Administrator








Since: 08-14-04
From: 255

Since last post: 5 days
Last activity: 5 days
Posted on 11-24-16 09:19 AM Link | Quote
Very sorry to hear but you are safe to vent and get this all out here. I hope you can focus on your family and maybe some new fun hobbies to take your mind off things, and find yourself in loving and safe environments. If one counselor doesn't work don't be afraid to try another one out, I know sometimes some people just doesn't resonate so it might take a few attempts. Have you looked into yoga, or meditation, and things like that?
True Flight

The One








Since: 08-21-04

Since last post: 650 days
Last activity: 635 days
Posted on 11-24-16 02:53 PM Link | Quote
As far as counselors go, I have to get a new one, but without the benefits from the VA, I wind up having a 600.00 bill fronted to my face each time I visit. When it comes to meditation and yoga, I have attempted a regiment, but when I do have time, I need to be around my child. However, this does give me an idea. Probably going to have to introduce it to D'arcy.
Cteno

Super Shotgun
Moderator








Since: 01-11-05

Since last post: 6 days
Last activity: 6 days
Posted on 11-26-16 08:21 PM Link | Quote
Social anxiety here, too. It's not easy to live with and it's DEFINITELY not easy to talk about.

If I had to give a piece of advice, it's to not give up on your mantra, no matter how little it seems to be working. I'd also tell you to vent in a happy little corner of the internet, but you have that covered already.
Lord Vulkas Mormonus

Vile
High Xeodent of Xeomerica.








Since: 10-29-04
From: North Carolina, United States. World, Sol System, milky way

Since last post: 270 days
Last activity: 5 days
Posted on 11-28-16 07:19 AM Link | Quote
Hi True, I'm glad to see you here again! Like the others, I want to reiterate, this is definitely a safe space where we'd be glad to listen to you and help you out.

As for your situation, I did get my degree in psychology, so I know a little bit about the most effective treatments for your situation. I don't know nearly enough to really help with implementation, but I think that I do know enough to give you some suggestions. If you'd like, I'd be glad to type some up for you, but if you feel like you have things on hand then that's completely okay.

Good luck, and again, I'm sorry that you have to go through all of this, it sounds horrible.
Elara

Divine Mamkute
Dark Elf Goddess
Chaos Imp
Penguins Fan

Ms. Invisable








Since: 08-15-04
From: Ferelden

Since last post: 55 days
Last activity: 55 days
Posted on 11-28-16 05:10 PM Link | Quote
*hugs*

Have you tried contacting various Veterans associations like the American Legion, Wounded Warriors, or the Spartan project? A lot of the stuff you describe sounds like PTSD more than social anxiety, and they might be able to help get you coverage for your treatment and help you cope with some of your triggers. My friend Gabe is an Afghanistan vet that knows a lot of resources for that. I can contact him and see if he can find some resources in Rome for you.
Elara

Divine Mamkute
Dark Elf Goddess
Chaos Imp
Penguins Fan

Ms. Invisable








Since: 08-15-04
From: Ferelden

Since last post: 55 days
Last activity: 55 days
Posted on 11-28-16 06:26 PM Link | Quote
He said to definitely get in touch with the VFW and American Legion since they know the local resources and how to make the system work for you. Also, since a lot of them have gone though similar treatments, they can probably give you some better recommendations on a counselor that will actually do some good.
True Flight

The One








Since: 08-21-04

Since last post: 650 days
Last activity: 635 days
Posted on 11-29-16 04:43 PM Link | Quote
Originally posted by Elara
He said to definitely get in touch with the VFW and American Legion since they know the local resources and how to make the system work for you. Also, since a lot of them have gone though similar treatments, they can probably give you some better recommendations on a counselor that will actually do some good.


Thank you, I have gotten into touch with the VA about my situation. The American Legion and VFW here in Rome is CONSTANTLY closed until Bingo nights and karaoke nights which I do not have time to go to.

Originally posted by Lord Vulkas Mormonus
Hi True, I'm glad to see you here again! Like the others, I want to reiterate, this is definitely a safe space where we'd be glad to listen to you and help you out.

As for your situation, I did get my degree in psychology, so I know a little bit about the most effective treatments for your situation. I don't know nearly enough to really help with implementation, but I think that I do know enough to give you some suggestions. If you'd like, I'd be glad to type some up for you, but if you feel like you have things on hand then that's completely okay.

Good luck, and again, I'm sorry that you have to go through all of this, it sounds horrible.


That's fine and all, but I'm sure it's going to be the same things I do every day, i.e. countings random items in my area that are blue, counting back wards from 2009 in twos, working on a drawing or anything.. My mother recommended I get an animal who can tell when I'm about to go off. Enter my rescue cat Puck who has shown me what he is all about.


(Last edited by True Flight on 11-29-16 04:47 PM)
Spartan

Metal battleaxe
Is back. Kind of.








Since: 11-15-04
From: California

Since last post: 77 days
Last activity: 62 days
Posted on 12-01-16 12:20 AM Link | Quote
One of my family friends is very closely involved with the VA's public relations arm and if you would like True I can reach out to them about what has been going on if you'd like.
Elara

Divine Mamkute
Dark Elf Goddess
Chaos Imp
Penguins Fan

Ms. Invisable








Since: 08-15-04
From: Ferelden

Since last post: 55 days
Last activity: 55 days
Posted on 12-04-16 08:50 PM Link | Quote
Let me know if the information I sent you via Facebook is able to do anything or not. Oye... fucking bingo nights. what a crock.

Puck sounds awesome, by the way.
True Flight

The One








Since: 08-21-04

Since last post: 650 days
Last activity: 635 days
Posted on 12-11-16 08:14 PM Link | Quote
I haven't had time to do crap this past week about my issues. Let alone this month. It seems like the end of the year is the worst time ever. I got my benefits in, but I still have to go to my Intake at another facility with in the next three weeks. So I'm not going to be doing so well in my mind.

Puck has been doing wonderful with sensing my panic attacks. He tends to wake up from a deep sleep and then rushes to my chest. I have to deal with the fact that every now and then I have an episode. Eric figured out the hard way that he can't touch me when I have a flashback. I turned him into a pretzel by accident a couple nights ago. ;
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