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| Elara Posts: 4565/9736 |
Wow... I cannot imagine how it must feel to be losing two family members at once. I had a rough time when my grandma died when I was 8, and I barely saw her. You just need to take each day one step at a time... and talking to your mom and other family members probably helps as well. |
| Truth/Serum Posts: 182/185 |
Here is a question in a form of a poem.
“I’d give the rainbow for you.” I miss the colors of the rainbow, The colors I happened to see, I saw when I was around you. I miss sitting under the sky and the stars, With you there at my side staring up and watching, It made me happy, just to be there with you. And now you’re gone, just like my rainbow, In a mirror, only grays are there for me to glance, I’ve lost my own sense of me. Several times, I’ve been lying out under the stars, Each time to enjoy just being able to stare, But now I can no longer be there with you. I wish I could give you the colors of the rainbow, I know that each time I came, so happy you looked, There are a few I love deeply, among them is you. I doubt I’ll ever be able to be there under the stars, Sitting there with you again as we gander, Because I don’t know how much longer I’ll be me. I can never forget how you made me feel love like the colors of the rainbow, I wish that I could be there, and into your eyes forever gaze, But please remember, I will eternally have love in my heart for you. I tried to do something using 3 different themes for the ending of each line, and in turn did 3 lines, with a sort of 3 phases to the poem. In this poem, I tried to express how much I love this person, and what they make me feel, and at the same time, the depression I feel now that I can no longer be with them. And never again may be able to. You see… My grandmother has been going through surgeries since last September. She’s didn’t have much of a chance to make it through the first ones. (15% survival rate). And it’s taken a serious toll on her, and she’s only just able to start to recover finally. We hope the worst is over. She’s the woman who raised me the most, and I love my entire family dearly, but for her there is a special sort of love. When her and grandpa start to cry, I simply can’t not do the same… I can be the strong one for anyone else in my family, but for them, when they tear, it just breaks my heart… Hell, I’m crying now just typing this up remembering her tearing up when I left her last week… And at the same time, this poem can apply to just more than one person. There is also my father, Dennis. Things are getting worse for him. Being on disability, only 900 a month to support himself and try and cover medical, financially he’s falling. And then his health, the reason he’s disabled now. He’s dying. There’s nothing they’ll do for him either. Both his kidneys failed a few years ago, and he’s on dialysis. Only now his right arm veins have collapsed, and they’ve switched to his left.. All those implants. And they’re failing with both. His right arm is swollen, and it’s literally a bloody mess near the upper half.. He’s not going to make it much longer, and he’ll only make it if he can get a new kidney… And several of his friends ahead of him on the insanely long list… They’ve already passed. I’m going to lose him. And I don’t know how to handle that. I’ve cried about it a million times now. And to think, my own family thinks I’m the strongest one out of them all (though they know I’m in pain). I have my own sense of honor and what’s noble. He may not have been the most openly caring person in his marriage with my mom, but since she left him, he completely changed. He learned to express how much he loved those around him. Both his long time friends, and his own son, my little brother. And also, myself. We didn’t interact much when I was little, even when brad was little, but looking back, he always was there, and always had a hand in everything trying to make us happy. And since the split up of my parents, he’s been with brad and tried very hard to teach both him and me how important it is to show people how much you love them, be it family, friends, or a relationship. He knows his father loved him, and he loved his father really dearly, but he even cries some in front of me when he talks about how neither of them ever said it. And now that he is able to show everyone how much he really cares, how he always makes sure to try to teach me or brad something important about life, even if it’s only a sentence or two, or tell us he cares about us, or that he’s still got some spirit to him, it’s almost too late. Because he’s not going to live much longer. The people who I really loved very dearly, are not going to be with me much longer. Yes, I know I’ve got what’s left now of my family and friends, still it hurts. I know a lot of people have lost their family too. But I know that what I have with some of my family is special, because it’s not something any of my friends have. And all of them can say “Your family is really awesome” because every time I’m with them, my friends tell me that again and again. (And by extension, my family sort of adopts a lot of my friends, and vice versa). I don’t really know who to connect to. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about losing parents, at least not anymore. I didn’t have a father figure growing up other than my grandpa (who I called dad until after, mom married Dennis, and I still slip at times). And my mother figure was my grandmother mostly, since mom worked. I’ve got a few gaping holes left in my heart right now. Some of them, I don’t think will ever heal. People always say, time will heal you, and you can move on. But I don’t believe that. At least the younger ones do. The older people I talk to, twice my age or more, they tell me that time doesn’t heal everything, and often some things never heal completely. I suppose you can ask anyone who lost a close family member. That pain almost never goes away. Or someone who loses a spouse: that’s often devastating to someone, and they don’t recover completely, the more they loved them, the less they heal. I even got that from my mother the other day… And you know? She’s never really loved anyone too much… Not outside of us kids… And even she tells me that. At the same time, I know that the only reason my dad didn’t shoot himself, was because of me and brad. He told me that directly right after I suffered a loss. He’d already lost his marriage to my mom, the only woman he ever really loved, and had found out he was dying. But he told me he was holding out for me and brad, because he wanted to see us grow up before he passes. That really meant a lot to me.. Ah hell, I can’t even see what I’m typing anymore, I’m crying too hard. Thank god I know how to type. Anyhow, I wish I could be like my dad. He’s able to put aside his own suffering because he loves other people more… He’s stronger than anyone else I know. He lost his future he wanted too, he’s lost almost everything he worked for and all he’s got left is me and Bradley. I’m not that strong. And I strive to be. I don’t know how he gets through his pain, both emotional and physical and both as real as the other. Maybe because he already has a family with us two? Maybe because he’s already dying? I just don’t know. Both of these people I love so incredibly much, both because I look up to them, and both because they’ve touched my life so greatly. And then there are others. Two women I’d say were my best friends. I don’t know if I’ll ever see either of them again. The one, she has a child now. My nephew. But she is leading her life down dangerous paths, because I don’t know if she knows how to hold herself to doing what’s right. Right in more than one sense. I don’t know where her future leads. But it’s hard for me to be able to rely on her, even if it’s not even her fault. I love her and want the best for her, but I can’t give it to her, and she doesn’t seem to love herself enough to kick out the evils from her past, and tell them to leave her alone so she can make a future. She keeps making the same mistake over and over, each time saying she’ll never do it again, each time I cry for her, and each time she starts doing it again. I miss her greatly. I wish I could have held her in my arms and hugged her one more time and told her it would be okay and that I loved her. Okay, this is aggravating. This is the second time I’ve had to retype all of this because my comp crashed.  so bear with me if the train of thought shifts some…
Anyhow… I can’t tell her how to live her life. She means a lot to me. She’s like a sister to me really, and we’ll always be super close. But we both wish we could change each other’s lives, but we can’t. And it seems both of us are incapable of doing it on our own either. And we can’t even help each other really… Because of what’s going on. Uhg.. I was just writing a stream of consiousness, I barely remember what I wrote… *thinks*…
I just wish I knew what to do. I want to make my own future from here. But the future that I want is impossible. And every time I try to change it to something else, all I see is nothing. I don’t see any happiness. I don’t see a future worth even trying for. My past is either going to go away, or has already left me behind. You know, I used to think I was strong. Whenever someone I cared about, I was able to be there for them, and be the one for them to cry on and hold them and tell them it would be okay. In person. But here, at a distance, talking to me, either through mail, internet, or phone, my full personality doesn’t come through. Just one part of the whole. Know what I mean? It’s.. Not the same. And because of that, I’ve lost a lot. I feel like I’m a scared little child. One who’s scared of losing what he cares for, and one who’s been left behind. And I really think that’s what I probably am on the inside. A scared lonely little kid, who’s been left behind and doesn’t know where to go. Left by what he was following, and now about to lose what he’s always held close to him. I’ve been über depressed for a long time now. And it’s getting worse… My rainbow of emotion has dulled into shades of gray. I just wish I knew how to feel wonderful again. I wish I knew what I could do to fill my own heart with joy. I know I’m being selfish. It’s like all I care about is my own happiness. And that’s why I’m so depressed, because I’m not happy with myself, and my own life. I’ve hurt those I care about because I’ve been depressed. What an evil circle that puts you in. And being honest about how I feel seems to make everyone who cares about me want to run away and distance themselves from me. It’s happened more than once now, and to all sorts of various degrees.. I really doubt my one little poem really covers all of this. But I really had to get out at least a little of what’s been on my mind. There’s so much more going on, but I think this is all I should really put out there, and even this is probably pushing it I don’t want to get in trouble, I just want some sort of reply, I don’t like feeling so alone. That’s what I’m scared of the most. Being alone. Just like I am.
There is a lot going on in my mind right now. And I’m making hard decisions. I’m fairly sure the choices I’m making are wrong, or at least will be. But I don’t know if I’m strong enough for the other choices. Not anymore… And I can just try to ignore everything that I’m depressed about. It’s the only way not to hurt anyone else. And if I’d done that from the start, I’d probably still have everything I cared about, and no one would even know I’m upset. I probably would have been better off. But once the ball started rolling, things changed, and I don’t think I can just keep it in and ignore it anymore. I’ve finally started to confide in my mother and my family little by little. I wanted to be the strong one for them, but now the surface crumbles away has started to reveal what I’ve been trying to hide. I can try to put on a strong front and ignore it. But when I sit down to rest, or when I’m alone (99% of the time now, even at work) it gets to me. Especially when I’m in my room by myself. I’m not even here for me. But I’m not here for anyone else either anymore. I’m just… Here. For now. And I’ve got nothing else to look forward to, and no where else to go. How do I fix myself? Be happy again. Fill my own heart with happiness. I never was able to do it on my own. And now due to my life events, I have to learn how to. But I don’t know how. Because my problems aren’t ever going to go away. They’re more a statement of reality. And how do you fight the cold reality of life and other people? You can’t… So I have to figure out what I can do to make myself happy… I’ve never done that before. I wish I knew how to even start… Rehh…. Sorry for how long this is.. It’s like a super-rant.. I guess that’s what I get for not saying to anyone for such a long time. I just kind of overflow onto something  And I’m only going to get 4 hours of sleep now.. Joys of having too active of a mind at bed time
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