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| Cteno Posts: 1014/3416 |
I'm a linguist at heart, I knew that they were speaking Cantonese before I asked or was told! It didn't have the inflection for which Mandarin is so infamous. |
| Elara Posts: 5499/9736 |
Cantonese? Neat, so you're learning one of the other dialects, which means you could probably curse out other Chinese people and they'd never understand you... don't attempt unless you know they are Mandarin speakers. But yeah, I'm glad to hear you are doing so much better. |
| Cteno Posts: 1012/3416 |
I actually was living away from my parents for about 2 years before all of this happened so yeah, it's pretty hard to stay there. As far as learning Chinese is concerned, I'm learning Cantonese from my boss's daughter in exchange for teaching her music theory! |
| z33r0 Posts: 29/29 |
hey it's great to hear that! working in a chinese restaurant would be sweet, I might get a chance to practice some Mandarin haha. it's good to hear that stuff is going well for you. it's weird about leaving your parents home though eh? once you move out you can never get used to having to go back, hah. living with friends sounds fun though! best of luck and forgive my babbling incoherency, it's pretty early here and I have awful sleep patterns. but anyway sounds like you've got nothing but good stuff ahead, right on, |
| Cteno Posts: 1011/3416 |
Update: Well, I'm working at a Chinese restaurant now (best job EVER!) and she decided that she never wants to see me again, not sure why. I'm moving ahead though, step by step. I've been living with the aforementioned friends so I'm out of my parents' place, it's a huge relief.
Originally posted by z33r0 You seem to understand the situation better than I ever have! I'll take your advice, definitely. I'll try to find a copy of that book as well! |
| z33r0 Posts: 28/29 |
I'm sorry to hear this, I'm not sure if you were looking for advice, but here is some anyway:
I have been this girl, and I know what she's thinking. this is actually about emotional growth and happiness, there are no ulterior motives. you're right, you can't convince her, but you don't need to. all you need to do is grow. maybe that seems overly simplified, but it really is all you need to do. relationships are great, and I totally sympathize with the leaning too heavily on your partner thing, I tend to default to doing that, but it's not healthy. there was this book in the 80's called The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. it's not really about business, it's about happiness. in it, it describes this idea of dependence, independence, and interdependence. when we are babies and children, we rely on the people who love us to feed us teach us and generally take care of us, as we get older, we are supposed to learn to be independent, to keep ourselves happy, entertained, fed, etc. only once we have become independent and happy with ourselves can we move into interdependence, coexisting with a partner, trusting and relying on them but not building our world around them. you say that you don't have any ambitions other than being a father/partner for her. that is exactly the problem, that is too much responsibility to place on her. it is a sweet sentiment but ultimately makes people feel trapped. the relationship becomes more like a parent/child relationship. if you want her back you have to show her that you don't need to lean on her all the time. you need to develop interests and skills, go to school, get a job, even a shitty job, just do something to move yourself forward, take a class, learn a sport. emotional growth can only be obtained through pain, it is how we learn. if you don't apply this now, you will have wasted it, felt pain and gained nothing from it. even if you don't get back together with her, the next relationship you have will be so much better for it. when you imagine the rest of your life, what you want to do with it, try and imagine it without a partner. think about what you will get up and do every day, what kind of a job you will have, where you will live and what you will do in your spare time. be as honest with yourself as you possibly can and try to come up with what would be ideal. then start working towards it, little by little. the lovely thing about this is that you can modify it. if a girl happens along, you can change the specifics of your ideal to accommodate her, but you still have your own world. it can take some time to figure out what you really want to do, so don't stress too much over it. but when you do figure it out and start working towards it, it will be extremely rewarding (you probably know this if you had a job and moved out before). I know it's hard and depressing and is ten times more so when you already feel like shit, and even worse when you're back with your parents because they seem to complicate everything and get all up in your face, but you have to try. take your time to grieve but don't stay dead. luck has nothing to do with it, but I can't think of an appropriate phrase, so good luck, I hope I helped even just a little bit, you will live through this. (and definitely check out the aforementioned book) |
| Cteno Posts: 977/3416 |
It's a bit complicated, she wants to grow more as a person and feels like I'm being a burden. She wants to be able to do her own thing without having to worry about me or having to include me in everything, which I totally understand. In my opinion though, she won't be growing at all if she just blocks me out of her life like this and just removes the difficulty altogether. Me not having a job hurt the situation but there's not a whole lot I can do about that now, it's something out of my hands, hence why I moved back in with my parents. She also believes that she's holding me back from the things that I want but the truth is that I don't have any other major goals than to be a father/partner and that she wouldn't be getting in the way in the slightest. I would like to go to an art school of some sort but that can be accomplished online in my free time.
It's almost as if she has another motive for the whole thing other than what she's telling me but she doesn't seem to want to divulge, passing it off as the "it's not you, it's me" thing but I can't help but feel responsible. I've never loved somebody this much and I can't stop thinking about her or how she's doing. I haven't heard from her in nearly a month (we were taking a month apart to have a breather) and we'll hang out/discuss the situation on Monday, hopefully I won't be clingy as one of my major flaws is that I have terrible attachment issues. One of the only things keeping me going right now is the false hope of this whole thing blowing over and everything goes back to how it was but I know I can't rely on that. She's so strong willed that I don't think that I'll ever be able to just outright convince her to see it another way or to give me another chance. Another of the reasons why is that her last relationship (approximated four years ago) ended sourly. Her and Stephen started to fight and they just dragged on a passive-aggressive relationship for about three months before she finally cut it off and she didn't want that with me even though I knew we were nowhere near that stage in the slightest. I know that some of the things I did would annoy her but I've been changing my attitude and straightening up over the last few years. Hell, I wouldn't have even graduated high school if she hadn't helped me! She pushed me that last extra step I needed and really made me feel good about myself and my work, not only for my Senior Project but also for the years to follow. Since we broke up my self-esteem went down the drain and I've become a nervous wreck. She wants me to date other girls but nobody around here appeals to me, neither physically or mentally. Some of my friends joke(?) about hooking me up with another one of their friends but they're showing me people that simply dress similarly to myself but couldn't hold an intellectual conversation to save their lives. The greatest thing I loved about Regina was that she was always so open to new things and listened to the things that I had to say. Nobody else I know truly listens. I'm the one that always has to listen, I never get a say in anything anymore. It's truly aggravating (especially since my stutter is returning with full force) and nobody is willing to ear-up to me. I lost not only my lover but also my best friend. I just feel like an empty shell again, back before I met her. I really never knew who I was until we fell in love, she literally made me whole and nobody else will ever fill that void. All of my best coping mechanisms have failed, my only comfort being her. She didn't even need to do anything special and I would always be happy, just knowing that I could put a smile on her face took away all of my worries and I would feel enlightened, inspired. It's like I'm missing a leg, mentally and emotionally. I wish I didn't have to rely on her so much for that sort of support but that's the pathetic truth that is me. None of my other friends truly understand me. I try to be easygoing and have fun but another friend of mine could tell just by looking at my eyes that something was amiss. He didn't know about us breaking up yet but it's like he knew. I'm not able to hide my sorrow perfectly. I cry myself to sleep every night. I'm getting panic attacks and nervous ticks. I feel unstable all of the time and the best of everybody's advice hasn't helped much. I almost wish that I could simply forget about her but then I'd be throwing away the only true happiness that I've ever experienced. I'm disheartened of starting again with somebody else because I'm terrified that I'll be rejected after Regina was so accepting. I don't want to become attached to somebody who's either using me or someone who doesn't truly love me and will just leave one day. My heart is too fragile to cope with anything like that, nearly too fragile for the current situation. I've always been pretty flexible and adaptable but I can't get used to being alone again, feeling uneasy about everything I do. I'm sorry for basically writing a primer to my emotions but this is what's constantly on my mind. |
| Elara Posts: 5433/9736 |
It will get better with time, always does. I'm glad that you've at least got friends that can help your through this.
So... did she at least give you a reason? |
| Cteno Posts: 976/3416 |
Thanks, I've been hanging out with some friends that I haven't seen in a while. It helps a lot, but there's always a hole in me whenever I'm alone, I'm just not the type to be single. |
| Elara Posts: 5430/9736 |
I'm sorry to hear that, Valhalla... while I can understand the financial strain factor, for it to just show up out of the blue like that is very odd. Good luck. |
| Cteno Posts: 975/3416 |
Where do I even start? Well, about a week before my birthday, my fiancee decided to break up and cut me out of her life completely. I didn't realize how much I had come to rely on her emotional support, I've barely been able to function without her. It really came as a shock to me because we've never fought once in the nearly four years we've been together and we had a great time the night before! It all just seems strange to me. She wouldn't even let me have a chance, especially after her last boyfriend who was a total dick to her, yet they dragged it out for far too long until they couldn't stand one another. Thing is, I've never treated her badly. We would talk about our problems if we ever had them and I would always do my best to cheer her up when she was in a bad mood! I know it's been tough on her that I didn't have a job and she's been supporting me for a year, but there wasn't a day that went by where I wasn't looking. It's tough for somebody with a good resume to find something let alone me.
So basically, I'm back in with my parents which is torturous. I can't be gone from the house for more than two hours without my mother checking up on me, making sure that I come home many hours earlier than I had anticipated to stay out. Well, it's day two right now and I've been ignoring her calls, probably not the best decision, I know, but I really can't stand it otherwise. My mother's excuse for wanting me back home is that, "We need to go check up on your applications, get you new clothes, etc...". The problem with that is that I've been waiting around for the majority of the month, bored out of my mind waiting for my mother to be ready to go and actually do these things. I'm sorry, I'm not going to wait around for you to do it when I can go do it myself. I've been lying low with a friend for a couple days but I think I'm ready to go back home today and face the wrath of |
