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Spoiler:

So, the mother opens up her purse and takes out a small cassette player and presses the play button. Immediately the sound of Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You G-Go" fills the room.

"Today you will become a man," says the father to his 12-year-old son. "But first" he continues, "We need to lube your ass." The father then walks over to his 18-year-old retarded daughter whose face is literally covered with hundreds of huge ready-to-explode zits and holds a shot glass to her face. The mother then begins to drain the puss and sebum from the zits and collect them in the shot glass that the father is holding. Some puss and blood gets on the mother's hands and she wipes it on the retarded daughter's hair.

After the shot glass is full to the rim with puss, sebum, and blood, the father walks over to the son and says, "Remove all your clothes, get on your hands and knees, and pop your ass in the air, weï¿½ve got some lubin' to do." The son obliges. The father now removes all his clothes to reveal his large uncircumcised penis, which is covered in smelly and thick dick cheese. The father motions to the mother and she kneels before the son. "Lube his ass, bitch," he says to the mother as he hands her the shot glass with the collected pus, sebum, and blood. The mother quickly begins to cover the sonï¿½s asshole with the nasty mixture; she spreads the puss lube over the sonï¿½s ass as if it was nectar from the gods. As the Wham song continues to play, the father yells "Jitterbug" in sync with the tune. The retarded daughter starts dancing and drooling in the corner.

"Now," says the father, "you will receive communion." The father then motions to the mother and she brings in their dog, "Foot-Foot," who is an extremely large and hairy Saint Bernard. The dog hasnï¿½t been bathed in months and he has an infection on his balls and penis, he is also missing his left eye.

"Jitterbug!" says the dad, and the mother takes the cue and mounts the dog on the son's ass. The dog begins to viciously pound the sonï¿½s puss, sebum, and blood-lubed ass. Meanwhile, the father is now standing in front of his son's face and he rams his smelly cock into the sonï¿½s mouth and orders him to lick the dick cheese off of it. As this is going on, the mother removes all her clothes and heads over to the corner to where the retarded daughter is standing. The mother strokes and caresses the daughter's face and then punches her in the stomach. This causes the daughter to vomit all over the mother's tits. The mother then twists the daughterï¿½s neck and the retarded daughter falls to the floor with a loud "thump." The mother then urinates on the now dead daughter.

The mother now goes over behind the large dog (who is still fucking the son) and she starts to lick the dog's infected balls. One minute later, the dog ejaculates a hug load of semen into the son's ass. As the dog dismounts from the son, the mother immediately sticks a straw into the sonï¿½s ass and begins to suck up the combination of dog semen, puss, sebum, blood, and shit from the sonï¿½s gaping anus. When she has all of the mixture in her mouth she gargles with it and spits it out on the sonï¿½s head and it quickly begins to run down the son's face.

As the son continues to suck on the father's cock, the father yells "She's gonna blow!" Immediately, the father unloads a huge load of thick warm semen in the son's face. "Jitterbug" says the father. The mother takes the cue and takes a dump in the son's face. As the sonï¿½s face is now covered in shit, cum, puss, sebum, blood, and vomit, the father says "Son, you are now a man." The Wham song ends.

The father announces "and now our tribute, through the art of interpretive dance, to the terrible tragedy that is Hurricane Katrina".

The doors to the talent agent's office fling open and the four grandparents goose step in. One of them puts a ghetto blaster down on the floor and presses the play button. Instantly, Wagner's "Flight of the Valkyries" starts playing at a somewhat surprising volume. All four grandparents drop to their knees, turn around facing away from the agent. They then drop their pants and assume the ï¿½doggie styleï¿½ position on their hands and knees.

The family dog jumps up, his tale wagging almost uncontrollably and runs between the grandparents and the agent. The pooch sits down, barely able to contain his excitement.

At this point, the mother and father climb onto the grandparentsï¿½ back. As the mother steps on her own fatherï¿½s hip there is a loud crunching sound as the elderly bones fracture under her weight. A gasp escapes the old fellowï¿½s mouth as his eyes bulge out. The pain seems too much for the poor man and his body stiffens as he goes into cardiac arrest.

The father, notices this, and hisses, ï¿½The show must go on!ï¿½

The mother continues to assume her position on top of the three remaining grandparents.

The two children then climb on top of their parents to assume a standing position, precariously balanced on their shoulders.

ï¿½The hurricane starts with a fearsome destructive wind!ï¿½ shouts the father over the din of Wagner. At which point the three remaining grandparents let fly with a barrage of methane gas that almost knocks the dog over. The talent agentï¿½s hair is blown back by the tepid wind.

ï¿½Then comes the driving rain!ï¿½ screams the father.

Mother, father and both children start to urinate towards the agent. The streams of piss are caught by the incredible ass gas and are propelled at a startling speed towards the agent. The dog, tail still waging, is instantly soaked in urine.

ï¿½The terrible, terrible wind picks up debris and hurls it with deadly force.ï¿½ Proclaims the father.

Suddenly there is a mix of feces in the grandparentsï¿½ flatulence. The dog and the agent are pelted with small globs of shit. The dog, no longer able to contain himself starts jumping around trying to catch the shit balls as they go flying by.

ï¿½Despite the heat, the hurricane is accompanied by damaging hailï¿½ the father continues to narrate.

Precisely on cue, the son stops his stream of urine and proceeds to masturbate vigorously. Great globs of semen are caught by the ï¿½windï¿½ and hurled forward. What the dog misses with his snapping mouth pelts the agent still sitting behind his desk.

Wagner suddenly takes on a more sombre tone. The father continues his narration. ï¿½Let us not forget the terrible cost of this storm ï¿½ the loss of life and limb.ï¿½

The motherï¿½s piss stream stops instantly, although the stream of tears for her recently deceased father continues, as she jams the index finger and thumb of her right hand deep into her cunt and extracts a blood soaked tampon. Holding the string she starts to swing the bloody rag around over her head like a lasso as menstrual blood spatters against the walls in a grim exhibit of centrifugal acceleration. Finally she letï¿½s go of the string. The tampon goes flying towards the agent. The dog leaps for it but itï¿½s moving too fast and strikes the agent in the left cheek leaving a steak of blood as it slides off of his face to plop on his desk.

"All storms must end. And, just as Noah saw the Lord's gift of a rainbow, so to does God grace the good people of New Orleans."

At this point all the family members except the father leap to the ground and in a startling display of acrobatic prowess, position themselves into an arch supposedly representing a rainbow. The father runs forward, dropping to his knees and slides under the rainbow in the great puddle of urine, semen, and tears, speckled with feces and menstrual blood. He grabs the dog in his arms and ends his slide right in front of the agentï¿½s desk.

The father expresses that this is a multi-faceted show that tries to incorporate as many different groups of people as possible.So the family walks in with the father wearing a priest's robe the boy and dog in nazi youth out-fits and the mother and daughter dressed in their finest dime-store hooker costumes. The father is wearing a crucifix with gi-normous dildos sticking off each end of the cross and carrying a step-ladder.He states "this first part is for the religous types, you know for the mid-western part of the country!" With a yell of "positions!" the mother does a hand-stand and father jams the bottom of the cross dildo into her eager cunt-hole. The kids by this time have taken running leaps from off-stage jamming their asses to the hilt full of "crucifix-dick" expelling copious amounts of lake-mud consistency shit all over mom's holy twat and balancing their bent over frames on mom's outstretched legs. The father then announces that "now we take communion" with that he climbs up the step ladder and starts licking the shit covered dildo cross sticking out of mom's gaping hole clean. Father says "this is where it gets patriotic!!" and with that he jerks off in record time into one of each of the children's ears. He then rams roman candles "for irony's sake" into the freshly lubed ears of his children, lights them,and sets them to spinning on the end of the holy dildo shit covered cross so that they look like pinwheels turning in a July 4th parade. He then says "this next bit really gets the animal lovers going." He then calls his dog named Jewniggarwetback over and he punches the dog hard in the face over and over again. He then proceeds to fuck the bloody caved in dog face to climax, kicks him off-stage, knocks the holy trinity of shit covered dildo spinning kids and wife off balance and pisses over the whole family. The children having been spinning this whole time get sick and projectile vomit all over mom and dad and each other, without a word the family gets to licking each other clean of the piss soaked shit-vomit that's all over everything.

the father, smiling through shit/piss/snot/cum/puss/blood slathered lips, announces "and now here is our grand finalle! our tribute to the victems of the nine eleven tragedy!"

they all run slipping and sliding through the shit (exept for mom who is busy fucking her dead fathers corpse and begging it to wake up please just wake up boo hoo) and they all scream "oh no the buildings falling the buildings falling" and then the stage collapses and crushes all of them exept the father who turns around, pisses in the rubble, turns back around lights a firecracker, sets it in his dickhole and hums "the star spangled banner" until it explodes showering the shocked and horrified agent with bits of mangled wang chum. "taaaaDAAAAAAAAAA" he screams as he does jazz hands.

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"

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User	Post
Makura Posts: 1046/1555	What happened to the horse? I love this joke...for unknown but probably horrible reasons.
Elara Posts: 3399/9736	Aww, that sucks... I am sure it would have been awesome to post it here.
Shuyin Posts: 1262/1858	I didn't read the joke. But I already know what it is. I thought the movie wasn't that bad the first time I saw it. I mean seeing Bob Sagat talk like that really threw me for a loop. Sarah Silverman made me laugh too. That kind of humor is right up my alley. I wrote my own on my friends myspace, but she accidentally deleted the picture with the comment attached and deleted my glorious Aristocrats joke with it. It was great too. It had abortion sex and everything.
Rogue Posts: 2046/11918	Heh, I've heard that version a few times, some of them include a fetus sucking on the father's penis while he's fucking the mother. Anyway, for people who either need another version or some sort of justification for this: As I'd mentioned before, the more creatively offensive, the better. People just aren't shocked any more.
Elara Posts: 3388/9736	I feel sick now... most horrific version that I've ever heard... also the longest. At least this time there was no baby being fucked back into the mother's womb.
Rogue Posts: 2035/11918	The joke isn't meant to make sense or even be funny for that matter. The point of the "Aristocrats" is to express how much a person can be creative and push the envelope with a joke where the middle is completely left open for you to work with. The more outright offensive the acts, the better. It's a joke passed between comedians all around the world to test one's impovisational skills. I suppose the meaning is lost on many, though. Not a bad take on it, venomnous.
X Marks the Spot Posts: 511/693	That joke didn't even make sense. It just sounded like someone sat down, and attempted to write the most offensive thing they could possibly think of. It does make me wanna listen to that song though.
Lord Vulkas Mormonus Posts: 1161/4541	...why on earth did I read that all the way through? That was a waste of my time.
FX Posts: 620/3775	what I meant was, that I meant was that once I read the first part, I didn't need to read the middle, because I knew what the joke was...
venomouslobster Posts: 218/444	that may have somthing to do with the fact that it is a horrible, poorly constructed, generally feeble joke that exists and is evidently popular for reasons that i cant even begin to fathom. i mean i laugh when i hear a given version, but if pressed i honestly couldnt really explain why, so i just chalk it up to mild dementia. but you mentioned that the middle part of the joke isnt important, but in this the middle is actually the punchline or at least thats how this joke is supposed to work, but then again this joke is propagated by a small minority of people with a rather "unique" worldview.
FX Posts: 619/3775	I saw the movie, and hated it...this joke ( I didnt even read the spoiler tags, that part doesnt really matter) I dont find it gross, or offensive. Its just not funny...
venomouslobster Posts: 217/444	Warning: this is the most offensive joke in the entire world....it isnt even that funny...infact the punchline (if you can make it that far without becoming sick) dosent even make sense. For those of you who have perhaps not paid attention to this warning i have placed the entire joke in SPOILER TAGS so that i wont be banned outright. this joke is an abomination to all that is right and good in this world. it is only funny to the absolutly most sick, depraved and detached individuals among us....I think it is hilarious for instance....this you should take as a cautionary tale. the joke: A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us." The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute." The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us." The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look." Spoiler: So, the mother opens up her purse and takes out a small cassette player and presses the play button. Immediately the sound of Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You G-Go" fills the room. "Today you will become a man," says the father to his 12-year-old son. "But first" he continues, "We need to lube your ass." The father then walks over to his 18-year-old retarded daughter whose face is literally covered with hundreds of huge ready-to-explode zits and holds a shot glass to her face. The mother then begins to drain the puss and sebum from the zits and collect them in the shot glass that the father is holding. Some puss and blood gets on the mother's hands and she wipes it on the retarded daughter's hair. After the shot glass is full to the rim with puss, sebum, and blood, the father walks over to the son and says, "Remove all your clothes, get on your hands and knees, and pop your ass in the air, weï¿½ve got some lubin' to do." The son obliges. The father now removes all his clothes to reveal his large uncircumcised penis, which is covered in smelly and thick dick cheese. The father motions to the mother and she kneels before the son. "Lube his ass, bitch," he says to the mother as he hands her the shot glass with the collected pus, sebum, and blood. The mother quickly begins to cover the sonï¿½s asshole with the nasty mixture; she spreads the puss lube over the sonï¿½s ass as if it was nectar from the gods. As the Wham song continues to play, the father yells "Jitterbug" in sync with the tune. The retarded daughter starts dancing and drooling in the corner. "Now," says the father, "you will receive communion." The father then motions to the mother and she brings in their dog, "Foot-Foot," who is an extremely large and hairy Saint Bernard. The dog hasnï¿½t been bathed in months and he has an infection on his balls and penis, he is also missing his left eye. "Jitterbug!" says the dad, and the mother takes the cue and mounts the dog on the son's ass. The dog begins to viciously pound the sonï¿½s puss, sebum, and blood-lubed ass. Meanwhile, the father is now standing in front of his son's face and he rams his smelly cock into the sonï¿½s mouth and orders him to lick the dick cheese off of it. As this is going on, the mother removes all her clothes and heads over to the corner to where the retarded daughter is standing. The mother strokes and caresses the daughter's face and then punches her in the stomach. This causes the daughter to vomit all over the mother's tits. The mother then twists the daughterï¿½s neck and the retarded daughter falls to the floor with a loud "thump." The mother then urinates on the now dead daughter. The mother now goes over behind the large dog (who is still fucking the son) and she starts to lick the dog's infected balls. One minute later, the dog ejaculates a hug load of semen into the son's ass. As the dog dismounts from the son, the mother immediately sticks a straw into the sonï¿½s ass and begins to suck up the combination of dog semen, puss, sebum, blood, and shit from the sonï¿½s gaping anus. When she has all of the mixture in her mouth she gargles with it and spits it out on the sonï¿½s head and it quickly begins to run down the son's face. As the son continues to suck on the father's cock, the father yells "She's gonna blow!" Immediately, the father unloads a huge load of thick warm semen in the son's face. "Jitterbug" says the father. The mother takes the cue and takes a dump in the son's face. As the sonï¿½s face is now covered in shit, cum, puss, sebum, blood, and vomit, the father says "Son, you are now a man." The Wham song ends. The father announces "and now our tribute, through the art of interpretive dance, to the terrible tragedy that is Hurricane Katrina". The doors to the talent agent's office fling open and the four grandparents goose step in. One of them puts a ghetto blaster down on the floor and presses the play button. Instantly, Wagner's "Flight of the Valkyries" starts playing at a somewhat surprising volume. All four grandparents drop to their knees, turn around facing away from the agent. They then drop their pants and assume the ï¿½doggie styleï¿½ position on their hands and knees. The family dog jumps up, his tale wagging almost uncontrollably and runs between the grandparents and the agent. The pooch sits down, barely able to contain his excitement. At this point, the mother and father climb onto the grandparentsï¿½ back. As the mother steps on her own fatherï¿½s hip there is a loud crunching sound as the elderly bones fracture under her weight. A gasp escapes the old fellowï¿½s mouth as his eyes bulge out. The pain seems too much for the poor man and his body stiffens as he goes into cardiac arrest. The father, notices this, and hisses, ï¿½The show must go on!ï¿½ The mother continues to assume her position on top of the three remaining grandparents. The two children then climb on top of their parents to assume a standing position, precariously balanced on their shoulders. ï¿½The hurricane starts with a fearsome destructive wind!ï¿½ shouts the father over the din of Wagner. At which point the three remaining grandparents let fly with a barrage of methane gas that almost knocks the dog over. The talent agentï¿½s hair is blown back by the tepid wind. ï¿½Then comes the driving rain!ï¿½ screams the father. Mother, father and both children start to urinate towards the agent. The streams of piss are caught by the incredible ass gas and are propelled at a startling speed towards the agent. The dog, tail still waging, is instantly soaked in urine. ï¿½The terrible, terrible wind picks up debris and hurls it with deadly force.ï¿½ Proclaims the father. Suddenly there is a mix of feces in the grandparentsï¿½ flatulence. The dog and the agent are pelted with small globs of shit. The dog, no longer able to contain himself starts jumping around trying to catch the shit balls as they go flying by. ï¿½Despite the heat, the hurricane is accompanied by damaging hailï¿½ the father continues to narrate. Precisely on cue, the son stops his stream of urine and proceeds to masturbate vigorously. Great globs of semen are caught by the ï¿½windï¿½ and hurled forward. What the dog misses with his snapping mouth pelts the agent still sitting behind his desk. Wagner suddenly takes on a more sombre tone. The father continues his narration. ï¿½Let us not forget the terrible cost of this storm ï¿½ the loss of life and limb.ï¿½ The motherï¿½s piss stream stops instantly, although the stream of tears for her recently deceased father continues, as she jams the index finger and thumb of her right hand deep into her cunt and extracts a blood soaked tampon. Holding the string she starts to swing the bloody rag around over her head like a lasso as menstrual blood spatters against the walls in a grim exhibit of centrifugal acceleration. Finally she letï¿½s go of the string. The tampon goes flying towards the agent. The dog leaps for it but itï¿½s moving too fast and strikes the agent in the left cheek leaving a steak of blood as it slides off of his face to plop on his desk. "All storms must end. And, just as Noah saw the Lord's gift of a rainbow, so to does God grace the good people of New Orleans." At this point all the family members except the father leap to the ground and in a startling display of acrobatic prowess, position themselves into an arch supposedly representing a rainbow. The father runs forward, dropping to his knees and slides under the rainbow in the great puddle of urine, semen, and tears, speckled with feces and menstrual blood. He grabs the dog in his arms and ends his slide right in front of the agentï¿½s desk. The father expresses that this is a multi-faceted show that tries to incorporate as many different groups of people as possible.So the family walks in with the father wearing a priest's robe the boy and dog in nazi youth out-fits and the mother and daughter dressed in their finest dime-store hooker costumes. The father is wearing a crucifix with gi-normous dildos sticking off each end of the cross and carrying a step-ladder.He states "this first part is for the religous types, you know for the mid-western part of the country!" With a yell of "positions!" the mother does a hand-stand and father jams the bottom of the cross dildo into her eager cunt-hole. The kids by this time have taken running leaps from off-stage jamming their asses to the hilt full of "crucifix-dick" expelling copious amounts of lake-mud consistency shit all over mom's holy twat and balancing their bent over frames on mom's outstretched legs. The father then announces that "now we take communion" with that he climbs up the step ladder and starts licking the shit covered dildo cross sticking out of mom's gaping hole clean. Father says "this is where it gets patriotic!!" and with that he jerks off in record time into one of each of the children's ears. He then rams roman candles "for irony's sake" into the freshly lubed ears of his children, lights them,and sets them to spinning on the end of the holy dildo shit covered cross so that they look like pinwheels turning in a July 4th parade. He then says "this next bit really gets the animal lovers going." He then calls his dog named Jewniggarwetback over and he punches the dog hard in the face over and over again. He then proceeds to fuck the bloody caved in dog face to climax, kicks him off-stage, knocks the holy trinity of shit covered dildo spinning kids and wife off balance and pisses over the whole family. The children having been spinning this whole time get sick and projectile vomit all over mom and dad and each other, without a word the family gets to licking each other clean of the piss soaked shit-vomit that's all over everything. the father, smiling through shit/piss/snot/cum/puss/blood slathered lips, announces "and now here is our grand finalle! our tribute to the victems of the nine eleven tragedy!" they all run slipping and sliding through the shit (exept for mom who is busy fucking her dead fathers corpse and begging it to wake up please just wake up boo hoo) and they all scream "oh no the buildings falling the buildings falling" and then the stage collapses and crushes all of them exept the father who turns around, pisses in the rubble, turns back around lights a firecracker, sets it in his dickhole and hums "the star spangled banner" until it explodes showering the shocked and horrified agent with bits of mangled wang chum. "taaaaDAAAAAAAAAA" he screams as he does jazz hands. For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?" And the father says, "The Aristocrats!" so...tell me ....do you feel dirty? Have you already heard "the aristocrats"? do you have your own version? this version is an amalgamation of several i have heard representing the most horrific parts of all