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| Truth/Serum Posts: 124/185 |
As far as the room thing went, I ended up staying in my bedroom afterall. It's only been my bedroom since just before Kate got there. (Before that I shared with my little brother at my mom's new place) So it's not like it's something I've had forever.
Though it was a bit hard to do at first. Though I did have a good christmas, so I"m really happy about that one. As far as goals, the navy was never a goal. It was something I did for me and Kate. We had it all planned out. Trying to figure out my own goals now. Still haven't found an aim or perpose anymore, but I'm trying to find something. I don't think I'll ever be able to have that same sense of direction I had back then. Nor will I ever be able to feel hurt that bad ever again either. Part of me has definitely taken a new stance at the world and isn't going to let myself let down quite so many guards as I once had. My trust has been seriously dented. At least going home was nice. I even lost about 10 pounds that week 
Seriously.. I think it was all stress related issues. But It's good for me to lose that weight. And I'm going to step up everything from here on out regarding my excercize regimes. Gotta get stronger, gotta look better. Looks seem to be important to everyone, looking healthier and looking better catches more attention, even to people who don't care about those things in the long run. Gotta be noticed first before they can get to know me and all. I may not have failed at everything. But I still feel like I failed at the things that mattered to me. From here, it's mostly just picking up the peices and going with whatever options I've got left or can find. The past is always going to be with me, I'm not one who can dismiss things that have happened. It's one of my worst traits, I know, but it's part of who I am I guess. anyhow, *yawns* Back to bed for now. Gotta get up in an hour for work  |
| Elara Posts: 3958/9736 |
The change of scenery should do you good. Avoiding your old room is not though, that is just prolonging things. You have to put certain memories aside and just see it as your room, where you slept since you were little. The thing about sucking it up and moving on is that no one can really tell you how to do it, it has to come from within you.... from you saying "I'm not going to let this bother me anymore".
And you have not failed at everything. You're still in the Navy and doing good in it, aren't you? That was a goal you have not failed at. Always look at the silver lining of the situation before you let yourself get sucked down into sadness. And that Garden State quote is so true. Great movie. |
| Belial Posts: 258/647 |
Home is never the same when you move out.
Quote from Garden State (best movie ever): Andrew : You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone. Sam: I still feel at home in my house... Andrew : You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place. A good quote for anyone, I suppose. Thinking about it made me feel a lot better for some reason. Hopefully it'll do the same for you, as it did for me. There's always a change in goals. You have to set standards for yourself, whether they're challenging or not. If you don't, it will seem as if you're stuck in a rut, and that is a horrible, horrible place to be. I've felt the same way you explain yourself. You just have to strive to make yourself feel like you have accomplished something, anything. |
| Truth/Serum Posts: 122/185 |
I suppose finding a goal for my life again is the hard part. I already failed at all the others I set myself up for since highschool.
I look forward to being home again. I leave later today for the flight home. It's just going to be weird. I'm not going to even be able to use my so called bedroom back home... Not anymore after all that's happened. I barely want to even go in there anymore. AT least the couches my mom has are the MOST COMFORTABLE in existance. Several people on the board here can certainly attest to that one 
I just gotta figure out a way to be strong, hold my head up, and not be so sorry for myself, though I seem to have been failing at those so far. Just gotta keep on moving. Always moving
I just wish things would actually work out well for once. That would be nice. Just have things work out the way I want them to for once, as far as life turning events go. Anyhow. *huggles* Thanks. Hopefully I don't cry when I get home. I spent enough time thismorning crying over things again It's getting really bad. And I know tons of people have it worse than me and they don't let it bring them down, and that makes me feel worse because it makes me feel selfish and self-involved |
| Belial Posts: 257/647 |
Hey, nostalgia never hurt anyone. Take a deep breath, relax, and take as much scenery as there is around you, and focus.
I've experienced that too. When I moved away from everything I have ever known. I don't remember much of that year, but I remember what it was like before I moved, the time I was with a couple family members, and when I got back. There's nothing too wrong about living in a dreamscape, so long as you have a goal and some optmism. You'll be fine. |
| Truth/Serum Posts: 120/185 |
[disclaimer : Author does not take responsibility for reactions to this post. It is both long and possibly somewhat offensive]
Wow. I'm actually going home for a week
So far it's been 9 months since I last saw any of my loved ones. And 9 months before that since I was home. Kinda odd to think I've been gone so long, it's really eerie. Today a year ago I went and spent near two weeks with Kate, which was probably one of the happiest times of my life. Though I don't know how to think about that anymore. I'm happy to be going home this time, I neglected my family and friends more than I should have. I'm happy to be seeing them again. It seems like the time I've spent in the navy has all just been on big dream. From when I left through bootcamp, that was like one long nightmare, never having enough sleep (lucky if we got our supposed 7-8 hours a night) I was never fully there in my head. And through the year I spent near Charleston SC, it seems like it was only an interlude to the time I was on leave with Kate or at home. And now I'm going home again... These last 9 months have been so insane, both on my end and my families, it's like I'll be walking out of a dream into the calm that just so happened to start this week... It's really surreal. I remember last march, last christmas, and the June before I left just like they were yesterday or last week... I still wake up expecting people to be there, but they haven't been. It doesn't seem like I've been gone that long, but it has been. One of my best friends, Cooper, haven't seen him since boot camp. Our leave times haven't matched up. He's been in Japan for a year now starting the 2nd of January. He's been living his life, going on deployments, and doing his thing with people there. I've been where I've been, meeting people and making friends. But it's just not the same. I really don't know how to describe it. I suppose people in college here must understand what I'm talking about for the most part. Slightly different working environment sure, but still. Life seems like it's stood still, in some sort of blurry realm of memory, and now I'll be walking back into the past, but it will have changed. People are older, my brother has started to become more than just a little boy, my friends and family have changed, my baby nephew is almost a year old now, not just the month old he was last time I saw him. And my life's been turned upside down and shaken out since last time I was home. I don't even know where I'm going from here anymore. I'm walking into a mess that hopefully will stay calm when I get home. And I'm not quite sure how to deal with that. Nor am I quite sure how I'm going to cope being there alone this time either, unlike the last 3 times I was on leave. I guess this is my way of saying I'm severely stressed out. My eating habbits are all shot, haven't eaten much lately (Been eating healthy, like mostly just a few veggies for lunch and such) but I've gained like 10 pounds this last week or so And I'm tired of having dreams and nightmares about certain things.
I just got done crying for a while holding the picture I was given of last christmas.. I suppose I'm still taking all of this really poorly. It's one of the big problems with me, I don't get over anything. And things continue to hurt for a very long time. And a lot of things I've never been able to get over. This just happens to be a bit more.. Painful han anything else. I dunno. This was a bit of a mindless rant. I'm just trying to sort out my throughts a little bit with some help. I toned some of this down in hindsight, but I'm still not sure *puts disclaimer up top* So yeah. If you're reading this, I hope you don't think less of me. I'm hoping I can get some sort of help or positive feedback about things. Mostly I've been told lately to just suck it up, and move on. Magically somehow without any help or knowing how to do so at that. It's like telling a rock to turn into wa statue ithout giving it tools or help in sculpting itself into a work of art. Not to complain, it's just I've been told to do so many things, but no one actually telling me how, or being able to help. Just to do it. And I can't seem to take that anymore. I feel kinda lost. Hopefully going home will be a good thing, seeing my family and friends again. I look forward to that. |
