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chuu~         Since: 03-13-09 Since last post: 5712 days Last activity: 5715 days |
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| Just something I wrote the other night out of boredom. It's only the beginning of a story; I got tired and gave up after a bit. I may or may not continue to write more. I absolutely hate it so I wanted to have someone else read in order to get some different feedback. Also, I didn't really bother to format it properly so it's more or less just a block of text.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was like any other day; or perhaps it was unlike any other day. In any circumstance, it seemed as though I was walking---Yes, that's right; I was walking. My home was still at least two kilometers away from my current location, but I had grown accustomed to such journeys over the past---Well past, something, I'm sure. I never had had much or an affinity for concepts such as time, undoubtedly owing partially to my keen inability to keep track of such things. Anyway, I had little interest in such "ugly" things and preferred not to think of them. I enjoyed walking, it was a time when I could feel truly alone; the only denizen of my beautifully flawed world, I could fully witness all of its miraculous idiosyncrasies. I liked those kinds of things. Small things. Things that ugly, self-absorbed humans took so much for granted. Things like the sky, or the way the sound would reach my ears as traffic passed by, those countless instances of flora of some sort forcing its way up through those impregnable concrete monuments to our ultimate victory over nature that we call "sidewalks." Indeed it was the latter of these examples that I happened to be observing on this day when I heard a sound from in front of me. It was a routine sound, that of a bicyclist heading down the the hill. Since it seems relevant now, I'll mention that the last third or so of my walk is uphill. It was Mulligan Ave. which I was on at this precise moment; a major artery running through the center of town. I never followed this road for long, only until I could turn onto the infinitely more comforting Harlan Dr.; I almost always avoided streets and roads that were too populous, as it wasn't possible to tell exactly how many "ugly" humans would see me there. Needless to say that this was one such road, so despite the twang of angst that I felt at the sudden knowledge that someone, perhaps very ugly, was going to be near to me very shortly, I thought it not strange because of my locale. I was walking slowly, making positive not to pass too quickly by this concise metaphor for mankind's inevitable undoing and return to beautiful simplicity that I was currently admiring. Something was now distracting me though. That sound that I had heard moments ago. It had been a devastatingly normal sound, devoid of absolutely any unique or unusual merit. But something was bugging me. It took only a moment for my intuition to reach a stance of decisiveness and order me to look up. It's just as well that I did as if I hadn't. I saw an exceptionally small woman on a bicycle. I suppose that she had been moving pretty quickly as I had but a fraction of a second to observe her before I was on the ground, the front tire of what I assumed was her bicycle resting comfortably on my cheek. Stunned, I pushed the bicycle off of me and decided to just lie there until I could manage to work out a bit of my confusion. I felt a stabbing pain in my right ankle and the apparent fall had knocked the air out of me, so it was just as well that I rested momentarily. (Last edited by chuu~ on 03-30-09 04:59 AM) |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable  Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 99 days Last activity: 99 days |
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| You tend to have too many run-on sentences that could easily be made into separate ones. Go over all of your sentences that have a semicolon and determine if you really need it there or if you could it to create two actual sentences.
The second hyphen I think could be switched to an ellipses since it is a pause in though. Also, you do not need to capitalize the word after the hyphen or ellipses. If you feel that you need to in a particular instance (aside from proper nouns) then that might mean that it could be it's own sentence... like the first one you have. Hope that helps you out some. Seems a rather abrupt place to end it, so I hope you do choose to write a bit more, at least to end it in a better place. |
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