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| Xeogaming Forums - Story Realm - Where is it? |
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MisturMoogle Thief          Since: 02-02-05 From: U.S.A. Since last post: 6277 days Last activity: 5899 days |
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| I awake at a quarter to three
heart beating fast, cold droplets running down my face. Eyes dart from left to right looking.. searching.. hunting for that one thing that can comfort me. I reach out to pull it close, grabbing air I panic. Fear begins to drop his heavy gaze upon me. As tears begin to swell a soft touch followed by "I love you" destroys fear and revitalizes me. Calm once again, and the words "i love you too" spoken I lay my head down for the clock has struck three.. and the time for sleep has come for me. Original Poem by: Ralph D. |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable  Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 104 days Last activity: 104 days |
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| An interesting poem, however I think that it would flow and look a lot better if you reorganized it. The last two lines are really long and generally it is good to end a line at a pause. At the part where it says "looking... searching..." it would look good to do indented lines (harder to show here on the board, though I found a way to show it in my Ashes of Envy poem). | |||
Katana Dark Wizard \"She said tonight...come on come on collide...see what I fire feels like..I bet its just like heaven.\"  Since: 08-15-04 From: Philadelphia, P.A. Since last post: 1346 days Last activity: 1164 days |
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| **nods** The last two lines are a bit awkward at the way they're presented...but...I really like them, so I would just advise paying more attention to where you break your lines as well.
Other than that, yes, very intriguing.  I love the whole "three" thing. The ending brings me right back to the beginning, and I love that in mostly anything I read. |
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