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| Xeogaming Forums - Story Realm - COMPETITION ENTRY: Torture |
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Cteno Super Shotgun Moderator         Since: 01-11-05 Since last post: 93 days Last activity: 91 days |
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| Word count: 895
Whew, I didn't think I could write at this hour! Also, I plan on writing more on this story later. Edit: Spacing issues, layout is stupid, blah blah... I awoke in severe agony, soaked in my own blood, confused, the throes of deep wounds covering every inch of my pale body. I had barely survived the torture. I could smell the blood of the previous victim on the musty walls and floor of the pitch-black room. Knowing where I was was not an option for I had been taken prisoner while I was unconscious. Who were these sadistic fiends? My best guess was that they were The Consortium, a rogue band of Warlocks. They were usually the ones to carry out underhanded deeds such as this. "Do you realize why you are here, heretic?" came a voice. "If you're going to kill me, do it now" I said, weakly. The voice chuckled, a gruff voice, suited to that of an unintelligent grunt. Ironic that a scholar such as I would be subject to the discretion of this lunatic. "No" chimed the villain "I need you alive for now. You will tell me where the rest of you are hiding!" He was talking about the other wizards. As abruptly as he had finished his sentence, a light of a magical source flooded the room. It was a stone dungeon, like I had thought, with blood everywhere. It was perhaps the size of a small sleeping quarters of a peasant. I was obviously not the first one here, for in the corner of the room was a bloated corpse littered with rat feces, naked and sprawled. Quite the lodging indeed. "I will tell you nothing, wretch!" I spat. "I won't surrender my comrades to a filthy Warlock such as you, you miserable traitor!" "I see. I guess I'll just have to let you rot here then. I have no qualm with your fate. Let the rats have you!" With that, he left the cell via portcullis. When I could hear him no longer, I began to chant the Rite of Dissolution, a spell to kill whomever stepped upon the rune that was made. Surely that unwise Warlock would return, unaware of the trap I had placed for him. "We'll see who has the last laugh..." I murmured to myself as I slowly passed into what I had thought was death's sweet embrace. I awoke again to a scream, as the Warlock was disintegrated into a pile of formless dust. I thought that surely I was dead. It was like I was brought back to life. "We must make haste!" came a familiar voice. It was a tall robed figure, with the mark of my clan. He had the voice of one of the instructors back at the academy, years ago. "We don't have much time, we have to escape! Come on, get up!" I brought myself to my feet, noticing that my wounds were no more. In a moment, we headed through the door onwards to our escape. Down a corridor only meters long and out the wooden door at the end was the scent of fresh air and the sight of beautiful moonlight covering the grassy valley in a placid illumination. In the distance I could see more Warlocks, possibly five or six, making their procedure to our location. In the darkness, we were hidden. "I will deal with them, you go on ahead." said the man. I finally saw his face. It was my old master, his wizened white beard reflecting the subtle moonlight. I felt ashamed that I could be caught by these while under the tutelage of this master of the arts. "I... I will go. Please master, be careful!" "Don't fear for me, child. This is our destiny." he said as he advanced toward the clutch of Warlocks approaching. I feared for him anyway. Even though they weren't as educated, they could still prove a threat to even the most powerful of wizards. I bolted from the site as fast as my feet would allow. Behind me, I could hear fire and the screams of enemy and friend alike. The next morning, I reached the gates of Nordil, a peaceful farming town not far from the enclave of Wizards in hiding. "Good to see you made it!" pitched Raul, an old friend. "I was starting to think you died in there!" "I was starting to think that myself" I said, smiling. I had finally found friendly faces. My luck had finally returned. "Get him." he said as I was seized once again. I didn't think that my best friend would betray me. I was wrong. He laughed as I was dragged away again. One of the figures upon me was that of my torturer. I stared, puzzled as he remained alive and well. "Oh, about your little 'trick'. It killed your real friend." I looked back on what I thought was Raul but was just a Warlock in a magical disguise. Somehow, I didn't think I was going to survive this time. (Last edited by Darth Nelrith on 05-04-08 07:19 AM) |
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Lord Vulkas Mormonus Vile High Xeodent of Xeomerica.  Since: 10-29-04 From: North Carolina, United States. World, Sol System, milky way Since last post: 96 days Last activity: 96 days |
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| Creativity: 8/10
When I read through it, at first I though it wasn't going to be original at all, but then that plot twist at the end showed suprised me. Good work on this. Spelling: 10/10 I haven't even bothered checking for spelling, if I didn't catch it while reading normally, I don't care about it. Grammar: 8/10 Not much horribly noticable, just a couple awkward sentences, and a few places where what you're trying to say doesn't really work. Plot: 7/10 This may just be my own personal preference, but I'm not completely sure about your plot. It just seemed sort of random that his best friend betrayed them, and yet, only the main character could lead the villians to the wizards. Character: 7/10 None of the characters seemed to have a clear motivation for what they were doing, and while the torturer was a fairly dramatic character. The main one was a bit stereotypical. Understandable if you wrote this in only an hour though. Total: 40/50 |
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Cteno Super Shotgun Moderator Since: 01-11-05 Since last post: 93 days Last activity: 91 days |
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| Ah, about the friend's betrayal, it wasn't really him. The last sentence states that he was a Warlock in a magical disguise and that Raul was killed by the trap that the main character had laid. I thought it read kind of weird now that I'm reading it now (only 9:40 right now, not 4 in the morning) and about the grammar score, I completely agree. I don't know why, but most of the things that I type don't sound quite right when I read them later and I still don't know why. I guess that proofreading is key after all!
And for the spelling... Not only am I an impeccable speller (not to brag) but theres a Firefox addon that I have that checks every word when you type them and right clicking it will give spelling suggestions if you're not sure. I'd leave out that score next time, in my honest opinion. Thanks for the rating! I'll be writing here more often, that's for sure. |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable  Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 101 days Last activity: 101 days |
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| Spelling is there because people still mess up. Also, it counts as spelling error when you use the wrong form of the word (their instead of there and whatnot). I feel that you had the space to go into a bit more description to make the twist at the end a bit better, but for doing this in an hour I must say that I am impressed. I liked the plot, but then again I am always a sucker for fantasy... could have also gone into a bit more back story with the Wizards in Hiding and the Warlocks, as well as the character himself. I think this would be good if you were to give it a rewrite after the competition.
Creativity: 9/10 Spelling: 10/10 Grammar: 8/10 Character: 7/10 (could've described better) Plot: 7/10 Total: 41/50 |
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