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| Xeogaming Forums - Muses' Sanctuary - XGF Competition: Idiosyncratic Insanity |
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cityondown012510 Red Cheep-cheep          Since: 05-30-10 From: Bensalem Since last post: 4793 days Last activity: 4806 days |
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| "Snape. Snape. Severus Snape," I mumble in tune under my breath as I walk down the empty streets, bobbing my head slowly but rhythmically to the song. "Snape. Snape Sev--hey, what's this?"
I come to a stop in front of a large blue lunchbox. Not like the little kid kind of lunchbox, with Batman and shit on it. Like, one of those ones that you see the Mexican guys with when they stand outside waiting for that truck to come pick them up, or something you'd find at a construction site. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm used to useless, random debris strewn about, but this one caught me off-guard because, unless I'm much mistaken (and come on, when am I ever mistaken?), it has been recently moved. I take a step closer to the lunchbox, and look inside. A long-melted icepack rests on each of the four walls, with some boring lunch foods stuffed inside. Laying on top is a Wawa hoagie. What strikes me as strange about this one isn't that there's food in it. There's an abundance of useless, very stale food in this place. But this looks fresh. Like it was recently unwrapped. The typical decomposition/being eaten by flies deal hasn't taken effect in this yet. "What the hell is going on here?" I ask myself. I pick up the lunchbox and take it with me as I walk away. Evidence. ----------------------------------- Now, I know what you're thinking already. You're probably thinking to yourself that I'm just some crazy son of a bitch that just rambles on and on to himself, singing weird YouTube sensations while being freaked out by a partially eaten hoagie in a lunchbox on the side of the road. And, in your situation, you'd probably be right. But my situation isn't the same as yours, if you're reading this. Because I am the only person in the world. See, it was...about four thousand years ago, when it happened. No, no, that was a joke. See, I'm funny! But yeah, it was more like twelve years, two months, three weeks, five days, six hours, and thirty-nine seconds. And no, that one wasn't a joke. In a desolate, barren place like this, there isn't much more to do than walk, think, and count the time. And masturbate. But anyway, back to what happened. Twelve years ago, on February 2, 2073, something happened. Some called it The Rapture. Some called it a Mayan prophecy. They were both shockingly wrong. It was exactly what I expected it to be. It was technology. Even before everyone was...ya know...dead, I was viewed as kind of a nutjob. Everyone was like "Hey Jimmy, why don't you have a cell phone? What do you live in 1999 or something?!" and I'd be like "Well you know Roy, some day, you're gonna regret those things. They're gonna kill the shit out of you." And they'd be like "Oh Jimmy, you and your crazy theories. You know, we got a Frazzledorf that can fix your paranoia if you'd let us!" and I'd be like "But your damn Frazzledorf is gonna kill me, Kenny, and I kinda like being alive, so I'll pass." But I'm rambling. Also, there was nothing called a Frazzledorf. No matter how evil the technology was, none of it had stupid names like those old, crappy "futuristic" movies. I just like the make up names to make them seem sillier. I like silly things. I don't like to dwell on the fact that, on February 2, 2073, everyone in the world was instantly killed by a worldwide shockwave sent through our "wonderful" technology. That everyone connected to a microchip, cell phone, iPod, computer, or anything of the like, had their heart stop beating and brain stop functioning in less than a second. Or that the very few left, the few that were as smart as I, blew their brains out because they were all "Oh noes, everyone in the world is dead, what is there to live for, I'm constipated, blah blah blah!" So I mean, if that wasn't enough, then when the few that didn't kill themselves had died in the explosions...well, in their defense, no one could have really predicted the hundreds of nuclear reactors melting down, hidden bombs going off, etc. Well, except me. That's why I stocked up my fallout shelter and hung out there until I knew it was safe to come back up again. And when I did, what did I find? Absolutely nothing. I've been walking the world for a good three years now, and haven't encountered not one person! Plenty of corpses. None of them alive. Does this upset me? Surprisingly, it does not. I'm not a fan of the zombie craze. I could tell you that I was always a loner, which is why it doesn't bother me. But frankly, I wasn't. Yeah, I shied away from the whole technology thing, and I was what some may (and did) call "batshit insane", but that doesn't mean I was friendless. I had friends. Plenty of friends, don't you worry. I had friends out the wazoo! Like, more friends than you would expect me to have, unless you expected me to have more friends than I did have, in which case you'd be right. But you'd probably be wrong. Oh, and there was the ladies. The ladies would line up to get a piece of the Jimster. That's not my real name. That's a clever, cool sounding nickname that I made up to convey my point that I was a cool dude. See what I did there? Ah, I'm so funny. But yeah. The ladies were all up on the Jimmeister (that was me doing it again!). But a place like this changes a man. Sure, I wasn't always a loner, but what else can I be in a post-apocalyptic wasteland? Oh well. I always did like feeling special. So I guess, now, I'm the most special person in the whole world. Go me! Anyway, I've rambled long enough about myself. I'm no literary scholar, but I think this passes over the bounds of "expository soliloquy" to "shut the fuck up, you crazy bastard". So, back to the story. -------------------------------------------- As I walk down the street, trying to remember my place in my song, I investigate the ground around the lunch box. It's scuffled, as if there was something there. But there are no paw prints, and it's not neat enough to have been a snake. I can probably count out Nessie, too. "Ah, of course!" I say. I had remembered my place. "Snape. Snape. Severus Snape," I continued, resuming my head bobbing as well. As I stand up, giving up on the mysterious hoagie, I survey the land. Yep. Still as barren and desolate as it has been. That's cool. Change is bad. That's what the Republicans used to say, anyway. Before they died, that is. "Severu-Well what have we here?!" I exclaim. In my survey, everything is, in fact, NOT the same (score one for the Democrats)! There are footsteps leading away from the ruffled dirt around the lunchbox. Wait. Can dirt be ruffled? Ah, whatever. So, what to do now? Do I follow the footprints? Do I just walk away? Do I dance the mamba? Hmm. As tempting as the third choice is, I think I'll follow the footprints. Being a man of my word (to myself), I do, indeed, follow the footprints. They lead up a steep hill, over said hill, and down the side of the aforementioned hill. From the hill, they tail to the right. I try to step in the person's footprints, like you do in the snow when you don't want your feet to get wet. This person is either drunk off their ass, or has something severely wrong with them. Anyway, I follow the footprints to a ravine. Sitting at the bottom of this ravine is...holy shit, it's a person! Like, a real one! And it doesn't appear to be dead! It's drinking water from a stream like an animal. Jeez, apocalypse or no apocalypse, there's such a thing as class! In an adventurous split-second decision, I decide to approach the person. "Hello there!" I call as I clamber gracefully down the ravine-side. I'm stepping jauntily, to show to this person that I am a friendly visitor to their humble abode. Even still, they jump back defensively, grasping at their hoagie, looking comically feral. "You're just a mirage! Be gone!" it screams at me. How rude. "On the contrary, my new-found friend, I am quite real. As real as Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster, if you will!" I say to the person reassuringly. "But Bigfoot isn't..." the person says, trailing off. Obviously, they realised the ridiculousness of any argument about Bigfoot not being real. "May I ask what you are doing here? And your name, if you so please," I say calmly. "I'm Miranda. And...I'm eating. Get away. It's mine." "Oh Miranda, you needn't worry about that. I have plenty of food, I do not need yours. Especially a Wawa hoagie. Poor girl, couldn't even find something delectable after the world ends, huh?" "I actually happen to like Wawa hoagies. Are...are you real?" she asks fearfully. "Yes, we've already been over this. I am as real as they come! Though technically, present company excluded, it would seem as if they don't come at all anymore. And no, that was not a sexual innuendo, get your mind out of the gutter, Miranda." She made no suggestions towards the innuendo, but she was thinking it. I can tell these things. "I don't believe you. Come closer. Let me touch you. I have to know for sure." "Whoa there, girl! You gotta buy me dinner first, at least!" "Shut the hell up! I didn't mean like that! I can't let myself get my hopes up if you're just a vision, a hallucination! Now come here!" "My lady, as if you could hallucinate something so ruggedly handsome," I say modestly, stroking my wonderfully wild beard. However, I decide to appease the poor woman, and step down the rest of the ravine to where she crouches. I stand before her, looking around the landscape and whistling in a carefree manner, as she slowly reaches out a trembling hand, and lays it on my shin. When she feels the solidity of it, her eyes glow excitedly, and she claws at my extremities, feeling and grabbing, reveling in the reality that is me. She jumps up and hugs me tightly, tears streaming down her dirty face. "I knew it!" she half-screams, half-sobs into my shoulder. "I knew there had to be someone else here! I knew God wouldn't just let our people become extinct like this! Now that you're here, we can rebuild society and make everything better--" "Hold on there a moment, Miranda. I never said anything about any of that." "But...what?" she asks, releasing me and looking into my eyes. "Surely, you want to live with me and rebuild our world...don't you?" "Not exactly. As they say...well, as I say, to myself...this place changes a man." I push Miranda away from me, onto the ground. She looks up at me, fearful again, as I pull a sawed-off shotgun out of a holster on my belt and aim between her eyes. I look down into her terrified, broken, defeated eyes as I pull the trigger. I turn from her as her lifeless body slumps to the ground, and walk away, back up the ravine, resuming my wonderful rendition of the Severus Snape song from Potter Puppet Pals as I go. You know, I always did like feeling special. |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable  Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 102 days Last activity: 102 days |
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| Grammar: 9
Excellent Spelling: 10 I saw one misspelled word, but it really was just British spelling so I won't count that. Plot: 9 Very interesting, though the ending seemed really fast Characters: 10 Amazing, very amusing character. Description: 9 Very good descriptions of everything, how Miranda and Jimmy look, and the lack of mentioning the shotgun to the end Creativity: 9 Very interesting concept, and perhaps the first post-apocalyptic thing I've seen in awhile that didn't have zombies in it. A very good job. Overall: 56 |
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Xeios You WANKER! Since: 08-16-04 Since last post: 5076 days Last activity: 1386 days |
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| And now a post from Xeios, the 'mean' judge.
Grammar: 5 Run-on sentences, some fragments, while they are usually perfectly fine while being narrated as you have, certain fragments could have been compressed without detracting from the storyline in any way. Certain bits of punctuation seem out of place, something which could easily be fixed, once again, without detracting anything from the feel and flow of the story. Spelling: I refuse to grade spelling, everything has a spell-checker anymore. Plot: 2 In a word: Cluttered. In many words: The plot feels as though it's barreling through a post-apocalyptic today. The apocalypse, specifically in a fantasy world, does not have to take place far in the future to make sense. Your references tie the entire universe into a current time period, which has been wrought with technological destruction. Leaving the setting as far as dates are concerned unannounced, or setting the date to a simple 2022, as it were, would fix things tremendously. Think about the flow of technology when you create a universe. iPods would be in history books, not current tech. Think rationally when you set something years in the future, perhaps another music monopoly set in and everyone has two ear buds which play songs you want to hear based on your thought processes and moods, trumping the iPod completely. Characters: 3 The characters, specifically the main character, were amusing. I understand what you were aiming for, hitting a satirical style, mixed with a little bit of "Hitchhiker's Guide" irrelevance and absurdity, well done. Motivations for said characters seem entirely convoluted. Your main character hates technology; however, he knows internet memes by heart, twelve years after technology is destroyed, and seventy-five years after the meme was invented. Twelve years is a long time, long enough for people to forget most things. It would have made sense for him to still know it if he listened to it every waking moment for months before the technological blackout, but he was against it. Miranda was a strange side character to throw in there, a woman who did nothing but snack on twelve year old food, in a post-apocalyptic setting, that makes no sense. Canned food is non-perishable, that makes more sense. I don't care how well-wrapped a hoagie is, it would be filled with death by the time she would have eaten it. He murders her for no reason. Description: 6 The strong point of your story, the description amused me, and led me to believe a crazy-person was viewing all of these events and circumstances. Well played. Flaws include not really describing much about your characters or setting. You had a setting which could have been described with more wonder and awe than you did. I understand if you had an issue with the word limit, but there is a such thing as describing too little. You did a great job at describing mannerisms, but I would've liked to see more detail in the universe. Use words that inspire a specific vision in people's minds, I was initially confused about the starting setting, then even more confused about the next setting. How did we get from the side of a road, which without description seemed to me to be a paved highway, to a nondescript ravine with drinkable water at the bottom? Give us some flavor and visual flair and the audience will be more in tune with you. Creativity: 3 Post-apocalyptic has been done before better, and will be done again better eventually. Like I said before, the setting doesn't tie in to the history of the world, detracting a lot from it. Miranda felt as though she were placed there for Jimmy to kill. And without a specific guiding vision to lead the reader through the journey, all the genius and creativity in the world couldn't make this story stand out amongst the rest. Overall: 19 I believe I gave you enough of a synopsis of what was wrong with the storyline, without fear of being unkind, and I do want to inform you that these criticisms of mine are all fixable. Being told what is wrong is thousands of times more important than being told what is right, should you choose to learn from your mistakes. (Last edited by Xeios on 08-25-10 01:55 AM) |
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cityondown012510 Red Cheep-cheep Since: 05-30-10 From: Bensalem Since last post: 4793 days Last activity: 4806 days |
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| Yeah, I honestly never even considered the whole time period thing. Had I had more time, I probably would have picked up on that, but I didn't even know about the contest until less than 24 hours before the deadline. Not that it's any excuse, I could have done better, but that's why the plot seems rushed and contrived. I didn't have time to read over it and go "hmm, well that doesn't make sense". I appreciate the honest judgment though, thank you very much. | |||
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Xeios You WANKER! Since: 08-16-04 Since last post: 5076 days Last activity: 1386 days |
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| I'm glad to provide an honest judgement, and generally speaking, none of us have any way of working to our fullest extent within the confines of a time-limit and word-limit.
I certainly understand that you were rushed, and I applaud you for doing as well as you did even though it was rushed. Given the amount of time you did this contest in, from my understanding, I don't know if any of the other entries would have been anywhere near good. Besides, at least you entered, my lazy ass couldn't be bothered to type up what I had ready until way late, so since I didn't even come in on the deadline mine gets an automatic 0 all around. If it makes you feel any better.  |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 102 days Last activity: 102 days |
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| Yeah... I will admit that I did consider my scoring based on how fast you wrote it. | |||
Lord Vulkas Mormonus Vile High Xeodent of Xeomerica.  Since: 10-29-04 From: North Carolina, United States. World, Sol System, milky way Since last post: 96 days Last activity: 96 days |
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| Grammar: 7
A few tense changes, earlier on, plus the grammatical problems Xeios mentioned. Pretty good, but it could use some more proofreading. Spelling: 10 See Xeios. Plot: 6 Xeios mentioned a few things, but I'm going to have to continue what he said further. You talk about how a shockwave of death came from all electronic equipment, including cellphones, iPods, etc? Coupled with all the nuclear power plants melting down? Given how far nuclear technology has come in the last fifty years, I find it hard to believe that all of them would melt down fifty years from now just by accident. I know its supposed to be from the point of view of a crazy man, but I still could have used a bit more explanation. Besides that, and this is a common problem among a a lot of stories, is that the heart of your story isn't clear. Obvious you hint at the story focusing on the main character's craziness, but you never bring up that he likes to feel special until the last line. I'd say foreshadw that part of his personality before you kill off the girl, and you'll be doing a lot better. Characters: 8 Good character and use of voice, although I have to wonder how he knows about Youtube videos that happened seventy years ago...How many movies have you seen and can quote at length from seventy years ago? The only ones anybody really remembers from back then are The Wizard of Oz, and Gone With the Wind, and honestly, that Harry Potter song is no Wizard of Oz. Description: 8 Good descriptions, you obviously need to tighten things up to make it more clear, but I thought it was pretty decent. Creativity: 7 You obviously are on the brink of something that could have been very creative, but sadly, you never quite hit it. Overall: 46 A good story, that I think would obviously have been better if you had more time, but as it is, its good, but in need of more work. |
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True Flight The One Since: 08-21-04 Since last post: 102 days Last activity: 102 days |
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| Grammar: 5
Several run ons and fragments. This made the story sound more like a monologue used for a drama class than a story. Spelling: 10 Plot: 9 I saw a beginning and a good explanation and a beautiful climax. The scenes were phased in and out wonderfully. Characters: 5 2 points because the characters just seem so cliche. Most of the post apocalyptic stories I have come across in high school had these two characters in it. However I will give you 3 extra points for the fact that the guy lives instead of the woman. lol Description: 8 There needs to be a bit more details to connect everything together. You did a great job describing the lifeless bodies and what not though. Creativity: 7 5 points for using technology instead of something else like zombies or the actual rapture. 2 points for the fact the guy lives. (Damn you high school lesbians.) Overall: 44 |
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cityondown012510 Red Cheep-cheep Since: 05-30-10 From: Bensalem Since last post: 4793 days Last activity: 4806 days |
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| True Flight: the reason for the fragments was because of the narrative, it was from the POV of a crazy guy, who was essentially narrating it. It was intended to be written like that.
Stinky Underpants: The reactors melted down from neglect, since everyone was dead. I dunno. Like I said, I had very little time, so I wasn't too concerned with the scientific logistics of it. Everyone: thank you for the criticism. |
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Phoenixocracy The one true Xeodent  Since: 01-08-10 From: Xeomerica Since last post: 1698 days Last activity: 1698 days |
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| Judge time.
Grammar: 6 Run-ons and fragments galore. I understand that he is crazy, but as Xeios said, a lot could have been added/gotten rid of and kept the flow of the story going just fine. Spelling: 10 Plot: 5 Not everything explained made sense, as previously stated. You also could have made more sense out of the shockwave. The character obviously used technology, considering how he knew Youtube songs, so how was he okay? Characters: 3 He hates technology, but knows Youtube songs? He seemed very fluctuating, besides the fact that he was crazy. You did the crazy part just fine. Miranda seemed thrown in very rudely, and her personality was also changing a lot. You made her off to be a savage, but then she was talking very rationally about repopulating. Include why he needed to feel special before the very end, otherwise it doesn't make sense. Description: 8 Great description, but you could use some more to pull everything together. Tell us how we got from point A to point B, and describe visuals a bit more. Creativity: 7 No zombies is a good thing. This is probably one of the first post-apocalyptic stories I have read without some sort of living dead. I think it could have been done nicely if it took a different turn at the end, as the ending made almost no sense given prior details. Overall: 35 Rewrite this. I know you were under a hectic time limit, and I've read a few of your other things. This has potential, so take it to the shop and fix it up. |
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Cairoi This isn't about you and your loud mouth, This is about me and my fucking beard. Since: 08-29-04 From: PA Since last post: 4851 days Last activity: 4474 days |
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| Grammar: 6
I really feel like everything to be talked about here has been discussed. Spelling: 10 Plot: 5 A lot of ground has been covered here by the others, but I'll try to offer up some original information. I think the ACTUAL plot has potential: The insane survivor turning his back on his evolutionary imperative, sealing the fate of the human race. However, you really don't go into that. You spent so long getting a taste for the character's mental state that the plot is crammed. There's a lot to work with with this story, but it demands more space and more focus on the story than on the character's mindset, as it is too chaotic to produce a steady flow. Characters: 4 Your main character has the potential to be a very complex and intriguing character, but I felt like you didn't really tap into it. You went to lengths to assure the audience (through his own words) that he is insane, but we only really see it for ourselves at the end. Showing more than telling about his nature would leave a much larger impression on the reader. Also, I feel like Miranda was extremely rushed. She came off like one of the manequinns from I Am Legend. Description: 7 The story showed a serious potential for description. Personally, I think you used a lot of very culturally specific lingo with this character. The Potter puppet pals and wawa hoagies, while recognizable to you and others who live similar lives to you, lose a lot of meaning to people outside of Eastern America/America in general. With stories, you have to realize that ANYONE can be reading your story, and so you shouldn't deny understanding to people who don't have the same life experience. (I worded that really weird) Besides that, I feel like your writing style can definitely improve upon its already promising form, and it definitely strengthened the piece. Creativity: 7 I am a fan of post-apocalyptia, especially unique takes on our (apparent) doomsday. You didn't flesh it out enough for my tastes, but you gave a very promising glimpse into an interesting world, marked with a very unique protagonist. Overall: 39 I'd definitely love to see a second draft. |
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cityondown012510 Red Cheep-cheep Since: 05-30-10 From: Bensalem Since last post: 4793 days Last activity: 4806 days |
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| Yeah, thanks for the feedback guys. I definitely want to rewrite/fix this. Any suggestions on how to further flesh out the character/establish his need to feel special without the whole inner-monologue thing? I was thinking flashbacks, possibly, but do you think that's too cliche? | |||
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Cairoi This isn't about you and your loud mouth, This is about me and my fucking beard. Since: 08-29-04 From: PA Since last post: 4851 days Last activity: 4474 days |
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| The single greatest way to illuminate a character is through an interaction with another character. Make his insane mental process dialogue. Create a situation where he's forced to interact with someone else, and use that tension. You'll come up with insane things.
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cityondown012510 Red Cheep-cheep Since: 05-30-10 From: Bensalem Since last post: 4793 days Last activity: 4806 days |
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| But like, in an ideal scenario, I would have his insanity established (in a way other than him rambling about it, as I first presented it) prior to meeting Miranda. It would no doubt be furthered by his interactions with her, but I want it to be noted by the reader beforehand somehow, and with the exception of flashbacks (which I'm a bit wary of using because of the issue of being cliche, as I previously mentioned), I can't think of a way to do that.
Also, I was thinking about this...which do you guys think would fit better: keeping the first person narrative, or switching it out to third person, maybe? |
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Squire Vince Storm Eagle is watching you, he sees your every move. Since: 04-17-10 From: Victorian London. Since last post: 4951 days Last activity: 4925 days |
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| Well we've seen how it works in first person. No I absolutely hate writing in third but, if you're comfortable try it out. | |||
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Lord Vulkas Mormonus Vile High Xeodent of Xeomerica. Since: 10-29-04 From: North Carolina, United States. World, Sol System, milky way Since last post: 96 days Last activity: 96 days |
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| Well, the thing you have to realize is that with a character this insane, you don't necessarily have to have another character be human, or even, alive.
I could see him talking to, say, a soccer ball for instance, kind of like Cast-Away's Wilson. Also, if you change this to a third person, then recognize that you're going to have to completely change the style of the story, possibly going over the same ground, but without the entertaining narrator voice you have now. And yeah, flashbacks would be a bit too cliche. In fact, I'd almost say that you don't really need to say what happenned to the world. I mean, I've read/watched hundreds of ways for the world to get destroyed, and really then they all either talk about the dangers of technology or zombies. If your story was about the world, I'd probably be saying something different, but this story is about your character, so the story of this world is really almost irrelevant. |
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cityondown012510 Red Cheep-cheep Since: 05-30-10 From: Bensalem Since last post: 4793 days Last activity: 4806 days |
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| Ahh, good idea, with the Cast Away reference...I might not go for something that obviously related, but a similar idea would function well...the re-write shall commense around 3:30 today. |
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