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| Xeogaming Forums - Muses' Sanctuary - XGF Competition: Tyler the Corporate Cannibal Revamped. |
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Squire Vince Storm Eagle is watching you, he sees your every move.         Since: 04-17-10 From: Victorian London. Since last post: 4948 days Last activity: 4922 days |
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| No one is who we think they are. In my line of work I come in contact with every sort of person; whether they are black or white, poor or rich, man or woman. They're all the same when they come to me; no one is different. They all bleed red and they all taste like chicken, if you broil them right. My name is Tyler and I am a cannibal. Now many people have a very biased view on cannibals, many of which are very misplaced. I'm not a picky eater; it's whatever I'm hungry for at the time, and sometimes I get hungry for people.
It's Saturday, April 3rd. I am sitting at a desk in an uncomfortable suit and tie, I don’t like the feeling of them around my solid build. I feel like I'm slowly being strangled, which would be preferable to what the managers have planned. My fate is far worse; a sexual harassment seminar. Shoot me. I have never harassed anyone long enough for them to feel a seminar would help. I don't want people like this, sex is, to me at least, messy. Sex seems meaningless. I get all of the satisfaction I need from reading a good book and enjoying a good meal. To my left there is a man; his name is Jason. Jason is our new temp; God I love temps. They have become the equivalent of fast food for me. No one cares when they don't show up; we just order a new one from the agency. Jason is a tall skinny man with blonde hair that falls just above his eyebrows and he has beautiful sharp features. I wonder if I could feel love, could I love him? I’m not sure; I don't think society would let me be gay. I have made up my mind though, Jason McAndrews, you are my dinner. I break into the office files and take his from the large green filing cabinet, which I like to call “The Menu”. It’s a shame no one knows how witty I am. I take his file; the first step. No point in reading it again, I only take it to prevent too much evidence from being leaked. The police already have a name for me, The Clarksville Cannibal. But in all actuality, I've only eaten three people from Clarksville, most of them are from Canturburg, but far be it from me to correct them. I go to the break room to grab a candy bar from the broken machine to hold me over until tonight. As I walk into the room I see Trisha. She was the one on the list before Jason. A beautiful woman, I'm sure that if I could love I'd love her. She says “Hi” and I give a subtle nod and adjust my glasses, they’re beginning to hurt the bridge of my nose. She asks me to sit and eat with her, I really hope she isn't flirting, I’ve been living among “ordinary” people for years and I’ve still to master this subtle art. I take my candy from the machine and sit opposite her at the table. She tries small talk: "Where are you from? How old are you?" My beeper goes off just on time. The vibrating is unusually large for the size of the contraption. Thank God for small miracles. I walk back to my cubicle, my bland plain cubicle, and look up Jason's house. He lives in a crappy apartment on the bad side of town. Excellent. I leave work early and drive to Jason's toilet bowl of a home. He lives in the cesspool of criminals and scum. He'll go undetected for days, maybe weeks. The building is basically falling apart with tiles missing on the floor and ceiling, but soon I get to Jason’s room. I pick the lock, it isn’t hard seeing how the rest of the building is run. As I swing the door open I almost kill myself when I trip over his damn dog. I hate animals, but the feeling is usually mutual. I scoop up the hairy little pest and lock him in the bedroom. Then I go to the bathroom and take off my clothes. I can't get his blood on them. That is a bit of experience; my first kill left me soaked in blood. I go to his kitchen and take his carving knife from the small wooden block and wait for him. Patience is the key at this point, and as usual curiosity gets a hold of me. I snoop around the apartment and learn a few more things about Jason. He’s a bad boy, heroin in the dresser and porn under the bed. The only times people are themselves are when they’re drunk or when they aren’t there. I hear the sound of his whiny car as he pulls into the parking lot, and I hear him as he approaches the door, he opens the lock and the door swings wide open. I hide behind the door, which is basically plywood, and wait for him to close it. He has his iPod on and doesn't even open his eyes to close the door. I walk over to him. I stand behind him for a good three minutes waiting for a quick opening. Then it happens. The knife goes straight in between a few vertebrae causing a quick paralysis, I’m not an amatuer. I drag him to the tub and undress him. Then I lean him over the bathtub and give his neck a swift cut. He bleeds out in only minutes. Then the fun begins. First I cut off his left index finger; my little trophy. In the next two hours I dismember and eat Jason, saving only the bones, hair, nails, and a few scraps for the dog. He tastes amazing, if not a bit gamy, and then the craving is gone. It'll be back in a month or two but the feeling of satisfaction is reviving. I wonder if anyone at work notices how happy I am the days after I eat a good meal. I should ask Trisha what she thinks. As I pass the superintendent’s room I leave about a thousand dollars in cash, labeled rent in a blank envelope. That should keep me covered for at least few weeks. It's a Monday, any old Monday, and the craving has come back. I knew it would, and I'm ready for it. Today's entrees are young Asian toes followed by a nice torso cooked over an open flame, and to end it a nice cheek salad with delightful vinaigrette. Delicious. Then again it always is, always delicious. Everyone is unique in their own way, but most of you taste the same. |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable  Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 99 days Last activity: 99 days |
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| Grammar: 8
Very good, a few phrases jumped out as odd. Spelling: 10 I didn't catch any mistakes Plot: 8 Much improved from your original version, though still a bit fast in the transition from work to the apartment. Perhaps more with the beeper Characters: 9 I love Tyler, he is a very interesting character. There is still room for development, but I like the sense of humor that you give him. Description: 8 Vastly improved. The office could use a bit more, the apartment is very well done. Could use a bit more on Trisha and Tyler himself, though Jason's description is good. Creativity: 8 While this was a very good rewrite, it was still very similar to the original so I took a point from there. Otherwise I think that this was a really awesome concept, and one that is not often explored. Very good job. Overall: 51 Edit: forgot to give overall score. (Last edited by Elara on 08-28-10 09:13 PM) |
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Xeios You WANKER! Since: 08-16-04 Since last post: 5074 days Last activity: 1384 days |
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| Now a post from Xeios, the 'mean' judge.
Grammar: 5 Holy semi-colons Batman! Otherwise, only real flaws I noticed that stuck out were some fragments, and some sentences that could have easily been combined. You do need a bit more variety in the opening of your sentences. "I break into the office," "I go to the break room," "I take my candy," etc., could easily be fixed by rewriting the lines as, "Breaking into the office, I," Cautiously walking into the break room, I," "The candy is secured in my pocket," etc. Spelling: I refuse to grade spelling, everything has a spell-checker anymore. Plot: 8 Very good coherent plot from start to finish. I had a feeling from the beginning the direction it was going to be taken, and the feeling was correct. Other things to include in a later revision would be to most certainly set up a more structured timeline, and perhaps some internal resistance from the character, like he was holding his tongue so to speak. You could easily write the timeline across several days, instead of a whim cannibalization. "I had a craving for flesh today, Jason looks awfully tasty." Followed later by something like, "I decide tonight is the night, I already know his address, now it's time to taste the flesh I've desired." Make it seem as if this character who is very calculated and plotting has more control over himself. Also, why would he have to break into the office if people were already there? Trisha was there, and Jason was somewhere not described, as he was obviously not home yet when Tyler arrives. Characters: 4 Here's where I have some problems, while your characters are expressed well, they seem very generic. Tyler seems to be Dexter/Patrick Bateman, Trish is the almost archetypal beautiful girl interested in the dark, distant protagonist, and Jason doesn't seem to have anything going for him. Tyler stands out above the rest, as he should, but the personality he has is very two-dimensional. He brings little to the table in terms of being complex or dynamic. Though for a story as short as this, I understand the difficulty in expressing how this murderer differs from all the other TV murderers today. You did well with what you had, but a lack of originality is always a downfall to a character. Description: 6 You described what you needed to describe well, and for that I am thankful. This is an instance of description and descriptive narrative being an almost key element in the storyline. You actually get a feel for how the main character's mind works. Viewing each person he encounters with a garnish and a glass of wine. A delightful change from the norm. Your failing; however, is describing scenery. You describe the apartment that Jason live's in as being a total dump, yet he works in a temp agency in a seemingly business casual, to business formal environment, making it seem unlikely that his home is in terrible shape. Next time, describe small inclinations that he lives in a crime-filled dump beforehand. Perhaps note that Tyler's detail-oriented mind picked up that he's worn the same suit for the past three days, or that there is dog hair upon his pants. You could even lead that in to show some foreshadowing of Tyler's hatred of dogs. Also, what kind of dog was it, was it big? Small? Did it make a lot of noise when he arrived, did Tyler have to silence it permanently? All of these things are good questions to ask yourself when you initiate a scenery change. Creativity: 5 Once again, a lack of originality in the characters makes this difficult for me to connect with. I love characters, and they are a huge part of my enjoyment in a storyline. Especially since they are so difficult to capture appropriately. When you draw up a character that has similarities to others, think about what sets yours apart. Then make a point to address the differences more frequently than the similarities. Anything you can do to set yourself apart from all the mumbo-jumbo that's out there today would be great. Overall: 28 I hope I've described all I can to get you to understand what could be changed to make this better. I also tried not to sugar-coat things for you, from one writer to another, I think that 'nice' reviews don't help the creative process. (Last edited by Xeios on 08-25-10 01:55 AM) |
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Lord Vulkas Mormonus Vile High Xeodent of Xeomerica.  Since: 10-29-04 From: North Carolina, United States. World, Sol System, milky way Since last post: 94 days Last activity: 94 days |
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| Grammar: 8
Generally pretty good. There were a few errors, but most of those I found justified in the context of the character's voice. Spelling: 10 Blah. Plot: 6 You keep your story focused and to the point, but I think I would have liked to see you take it a little slower, showing more of both him and his victim, maybe a conversation in the office before he leaves for work? The other question is...how did he eat an entire human except for the bones, hair, and nails? Assuming the victim was anorexic, that's still well over 50 pounds of food in two hours. Characters: 6 You character seems like you wanted him to be written like a psychopath. Trouble with emotions, no problem killing/eating people, etc. However, you onl seem to pick and choose which qualities of a psychopath you want him to have. He kills plenty, but somehow he still enjoys reading and eating? And then sex, which activates the pleasure parts of your brain does nothing for him? Besides that, you vaguely mention that he hasn't been living among normal people his whole life, but then go nowhere with it. I really would have liked to see at least a little more about where he came from, or what happenned to him. Also, I think I would have liked to see him actually interact with someone in conversation. We hear of what he likes to do, but the only time we have have him pause and do something was when I killed the intern. I think it would have been a good disturbing piece if he had a friendly conversation with his victim right before leaving work and killing him. Description: 8 You describe stuff, I didn't really find you lacking. Not a lot to say about this. 
Creativity: 6 It could have been a lot more creative, but in the end, I'm afraid yo fell into the psychopath territory I've seen covered many times before, whether by Dexter, Bateman, or many of Dean Koontz's novels. Overall: 44 Good, but I really would suggest expanding parts, explaining more, and thinking about your character. You've go well over 800 words left, so I think you really had room to improve. (Last edited by Stinky Underpants on 08-26-10 09:47 AM) |
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True Flight The One Since: 08-21-04 Since last post: 99 days Last activity: 99 days |
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| Grammar: 8
It was good enough for a high school student but, there was a couple of things my English teacher and CO get on to me about. When you spoke about who Tyler was attacking, who was it? Almost all your sentences had a "he" or "it" in it instead of the poor saps name. His name was uuuuuh.... Jason? Spelling: 10 Plot: 5 I'm not a big fan of the fact that the story was too fast from one scene to the next. It's really cool that you took on the idea of a cannibal in a corporate life. I could see a beginning, a climax (even though it wasn't that big), and an end. Characters: 7 It's not hard to make a one dimensional character (unless that character is a part of a huge novel. Try making a character not change for 300+ pages.). I do agree with clockworkz though. The whole idea of sex to Tyler shouldn't have been mentioned. If Tyler truly is a cold, hardcore psychopath, he would've not mentioned sex. Description: 9 Now I'm going to disagree with Xeios about the fact that Jason was a temp and lived in a dump. To be honest that's about right about temps, I've worked for one. The pay's low and what not. However the dog I do agree with. I really wanted to know if it wore a specific collar, if it was big or tiny, and what breed the dog was. Keep up the good work. =P Creativity: 8 Seriously? Killing someone naked? That's AWESOME. You are lacking in some of the areas. As far as Trisha goes... Why was she on the list? What race was she? And what's this about not being a picky eater? Tyler was putting out descriptions in people and what he liked about them and what he didn't. That's not picky? Well... I guess the fact that Tyler ate the person none the less was why he isn't picky. Overall: 47 |
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Lord Vulkas Mormonus Vile High Xeodent of Xeomerica. Since: 10-29-04 From: North Carolina, United States. World, Sol System, milky way Since last post: 94 days Last activity: 94 days |
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| For the record...I'm not Clockworks, I'm Vulkar, xD. | |||
Phoenixocracy The one true Xeodent  Since: 01-08-10 From: Xeomerica Since last post: 1696 days Last activity: 1696 days |
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| Grammar: 4
I'm not True, I don't care if you're a high school student. In any case, variety, Vince. You need variety. The beginning of every sentence was almost the exact same, and so were the words in them. You used the word 'he' way too much, and it could have easily been swapped out. Start thinking about other things to replace them. I'm sure your character could come up with something creepy like 'the meal', but be original. Otherwise, a few unnecessary fragments. Spelling: 10 Plot: 5 Timeline. Everything moved much too fast with too little information. This type of writing, to me, is okay for a story with a small timeline, but this was over the course of a day. Otherwise, add a bit more. Why did he skip Trisha? Characters: 4 Unoriginal. Besides that, I would like to see more of a history. As Vulkar stated, you mentioned that he hasn't been around 'normal' people for too long, but went nowhere with it. Why is he the way he is? Also, the sex thing can be dropped out. It takes away from the story in an odd way. As for the love business, don't give him a view of love like society has. He is a psychopath and a cannibal/serial killer, so give him his own way of loving. For him, it can easily be the taste of the meal. It would also be interesting if you wrote in how Jason ended up being his 'soul mate', considering this view, but this is just a suggestion. Description: 1 I wasn't there at all. You gave me very little visual details, to the point where I was literally just reading and not picturing anything. I want to know who looks like what. I want physical descriptions of the laces he was, along with the vibes it gives off. The best description you had was of the man's apartment, and even that was bad. Describe where he was walking, how the floor felt on his naked feet, dirt, anything. Plus, your transition from scene to scene was horrible. If you were going o do it this way, you should have used a separator and just told us he ended up there after work. The way you have it written, I have no way of knowing where anything was, even from the bathroom tot he kitchen. Creativity: 2 Make an original character. Psychopaths have all been done before, so make your own. The psychopaths that stand out most to me are the completely insane ones that have batshit views and do things like no one else. Give the character unique qualities, and focus on them. Make his way of thinking original and something of your own. This was very similar to the original, as well, so I docked points for that. Overall: 28 |
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Xeios You WANKER! Since: 08-16-04 Since last post: 5074 days Last activity: 1384 days |
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| I'm going to retort to True's disagreement with me here, to simply state that he works in a temp agency, yes. But in a business casual to business formal environment, he would still need to keep his clothes neat and in order for him to still have a job at the temp agency. Not saying his place can't be messy, but somewhere with a really cheap rent in a city, a place filled with crime, is not where a temp belongs, imo. | |||
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True Flight The One Since: 08-21-04 Since last post: 99 days Last activity: 99 days |
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| I've seen what temps work in. There's nothing cheap when it comes to rent unless it's in the ghetto. | |||
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Cairoi This isn't about you and your loud mouth, This is about me and my fucking beard. Since: 08-29-04 From: PA Since last post: 4848 days Last activity: 4472 days |
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| Grammar: 5
Xeios and Phoenix definitely put it best here. Spelling: 10 Whatever. Plot: 7 Good story, but definitely rushed. There should be more things going on. When you condense a story to this length, you lose a lot of the sense of reality. More rising action, more tension, and more twists would benefit the kind of story you're trying to tell here. Characters: 3 There is literally no character growth. Every character is flat, static cardboard figures that you move like chess pieces to your inevitable conclusion. Sure, the main character is a developed psychpath, but to have a killer as your main character, you need them to change to keep the reader's interest. This story almost functions like a "day in the life" of a character. It captures an instant, where there's an entire life you're missing out on. Description: 4 Your writing style is unique, and it lends to the mind of the character. Your style definitely captured the mind of Tyler, but it did nothing to connect the reader to anything but. First person stories are often traps to skimp out on world-building descriptions, and you fell victim to this. Remember that when you're taking the role of a character in a story, you can't just transport their thoughts onto paper. They're also seeing, smelling, hearing, feeling. It's important to give a sense of all of that as well, though obviously to a lesser extent than a third person piece. Creativity: 3 American Psycho + a dash of Silence of the Lambs= this story. Overall: 32 Vince, the greatest way to improve a story is to challenge your characters. Not physical obstacles, but emotional and mental obstacles. That's when they grow and become something far more impressive and memorable. Rewrite the story. Add to it. |
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