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| Xeogaming Forums - Story Realm - Learning and Growin |
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Pockets Werewolf pockets         Since: 10-20-04 Since last post: 5069 days Last activity: 4586 days |
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| This is going to be a chapter that will be inserted into my first novel that I've already written "The Shadow Cloak." If people would be so kind I could use some opinions or comments.
Learning and Growing “Lift your left arm a little,” she said. Clang! “You’re dropping your right shoulder. Watch your footwork.” Clang, clang! “Hurry up, move faster.” The sound of feet scuffling across stone the clash of steel against steel accompanied by high pitched whistling sounds as well as grunts and cries reverberated through the air. Elenore slid backwards slightly, moving her boot covered feet lightly over the ground as Aszu pushed her back with rapid strikes of her sword. Elenore grunted slightly as she caught a heavy blow on her sword, pushing back she spun about, lashing out with one foot to drive Aszu back in order to give her enough room to separate her swords. As she spun she felt her leg hit something solid and a strong pressure wrapped about her calf. She gave a startled cry and dropped her sword as she was spun bodily about by the grip Aszu had on her leg and she was thrown to the cobblestones. Looking up she found Aszu standing above her, the tip of her sword pressed against her throat. “How’d you do that?” she asked after a few moments of laying on the ground gasping for breath. “The last three times we’ve fought you’ve used the exact same move to give yourself a little space to break apart your swords,” Aszu informed her as she sheathed her own sword. “I learned to recognize it and devised a counter to it.” Elenore fell back on the cobble stones of the practice yard. “Damnit Aszu,” she swore. “Am I ever going to get good enough to beat you?” Aszu grinned down at her student. “Eventually, if you keep practicing, you might come close at some point.” She wiped the sweat off her brow with the back of one hand and extended the other to Elenore. “You’re not that good,” Elenore grumbled as she accepted the proffered hand. Despite her grumbling there was a smile on her face as Aszu pulled her to her feet. As soon as her feet were under her she glanced up at the taller woman and her eyes widened in surprise. Once, nearly a year and a half earlier Elenore had shared her first kiss with Rhyven. This time, with Aszus lips against her own, made for an altogether different experience. As her instructor pulled away Elenores mouth fell open and she started to stammer attempting to both ask a half a dozen questions and express her shock all at the same time. Before she could actually say anything however she felt a gentle finger on her lips, effectively silencing her. “Don’t talk just yet,” Aszu whispered softly. “Think about what I’ve shown you and then find me when you’re ready.” She licked her lips almost nervously and leaned forwards slightly, as if to kiss Elenore again. She stopped a fraction of an inch away, her finger still pressed against Elenores lips. Then. She was gone. |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable  Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 79 days Last activity: 79 days |
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| Intriguing way to introduce that element into the story, though a bit more imagery could be useful. Of course, it all depends on where you're slipping it in I guess. I think I spotted a few grammatical errors here and there, but nothing major... though I must admit I find the way you end the scene a bit odd.
Overall, much coolness. |
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Makura Since: 01-22-05 From: The restaurant at the end of the universe.... Since last post: 5866 days Last activity: 5131 days |
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| Yes!
I've read this before, in fact I remember when you came up with this plan. I love the idea and how it fits in with your story. I nearly drooled when I read this. I'm doing a similar thing with Saege and Tafrii, I think I mentioned it. |
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Pockets Werewolf pockets Since: 10-20-04 Since last post: 5069 days Last activity: 4586 days |
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| Elara. The ending was odd how? Not sure I follow you.
And Sis, glad to hear you like it. Lol. |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 79 days Last activity: 79 days |
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| I just fine the one word sentence strange, that's all. You know...
Then. She was gone. Just looks odd to me, but it fits your writing style so it's you're thing. |
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Pockets Werewolf pockets Since: 10-20-04 Since last post: 5069 days Last activity: 4586 days |
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| Hmmm.... guess that makes sense elara. With any luck I should have the next small piece up in a couple days that so far I think no one has seen at all. It should be interesting to get your views on it. | |||
Evo Red Super Koopa Watching you fall brings joy to my heart....  Since: 08-16-04 From: Oregon Since last post: 6088 days Last activity: 6028 days |
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| If you agree with Elara on that one, Pockets, you could always add an elipsis there.
"Then... she was gone." Or "Then... she was gone...." I do agree with Elara on that part, but only after a second look at it. To me, a period signifies a break in the flow of words, and it makes it kind of akward. I'm also agreed with the imagry part... things like "pushing back she spun about" could be altered or added onto to give the reader more of an image of what's going on. I'm a fan of a lot of description in my writing, but it really depends on how you want your first chapter to sounds. You may want to leave it as it is and get a bit more detailed later. Overall, I like.  If you have more, you should post it.  |
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WhiteRose Warrior Sailor Delerium Have you ever spent days and days and days making up flavors of ice cream that no ones ever eaten before? Like chicken and telephone ice cream?...Green mouse ice cream was the worst.  Since: 08-17-04 From: The Dreaming Since last post: 4430 days Last activity: 5134 days |
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| Great work once again cousin. I didn't think that one part read odd. It works for me. Defently leaves the reader wondering what the hell is going to happen next. | |||
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Pockets Werewolf pockets Since: 10-20-04 Since last post: 5069 days Last activity: 4586 days |
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| thank you cous. Evo. I intentionally used the period to break the flow of words but you're right an elipse would work just as well. See I wanted a pause. "Then. She was gone."
An ellipse would accomplish the same thing. |
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Evo Red Super Koopa Watching you fall brings joy to my heart.... Since: 08-16-04 From: Oregon Since last post: 6088 days Last activity: 6028 days |
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| Yes. I see how it works now. Lol, like I said in my first post "Upon second look" or something. I liked how it sounded until I read what Elara said, then I analized it, and then I didn't. But reading over it again and just going with the flow of the story, I like it again. LoL. I'm a nerd. |
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