Originally posted by Rogue

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Wildlife biology -- what I'm replacing the other bio class with once I drop it. Already enrolled, just gotta drop the other one.

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Originally posted by venomouslobster

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Grammar:5
Spelling:8
Plot:2
Character:1
Description:0
Overall Creativity:0

This was dryer than a mummy's ass. Most plagerism is at least as interesting of a read as the original. I have seen this myth adapted to plays, written as shortstories and woven into a comic, but this insults them all. You actually wrote "tantalized Tantalus"? good lord man...

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Originally posted by Zabuza

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Critique:

"Orpheus Travels to Hades" - Transcibed

by FX.

Critique:

First of all, this is total plagiarism--at least in my opinion and view. Second, shifting the story to first person isn't really and adaptation at all.

You have to remember that the majority of your judges are educated adults that have read many of the stuff you plagiarize on a daily basis.

Very well transcibed. I say transcribed because it's just shifted to first person. I'm not counting this as your writing.

Grammar:
"After a time I arrived at the river Styx, it's shores..." Wrong "it's".

"desire ?” Space between question mark and "desire".

Spelling:
"unslung" isn't a common word. It'd be far better to use "unsling".

Plot (Flow and Concept):
Speaking of flow, why the switch into italics midway though? Why not start that way if you planned on doing narration that way?

"...walked down the many steps to his throne." He's coming down, it should be "from his throne" or "leading up to his throne".

"of the torments I intend to put you to." "...to put to you." Never end in "to".

Characters:
Not yours, so you get full knockoff on points.

Descriptions (Readability and Flow):
Since this was a transcription, it was well transcribed. However, it felt rushed towards the middle and the end, so I'm marking you down on that.

Overall Creativity/Originality:
HA HA HA!!

Overall:
Grammar: A few mistakes here and there--8 points.

Spelling: Minor shit--9 points.

Plot: 5 points.

Characters: 0 points.

Description: 8 points.

Creativity/Originality: 2 points.

Bothering me twice knocked you for an overall 10 points.

Total: 22 points out of 60 possible (per my grading system). 36% out of 100%. Basically, an F-.

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Originally posted by Elara

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Grammar: 7
Spelling: 9
Plot: 2
Character: 2
Description: 3
Overall Creativity: 2

Not much can be said about this other than how disappointed I am. Just do me a favor and never touch any myth ever again.

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Originally posted by venomouslobster

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Grammar: 7
Spelling: 8
Plot: 10
Char:9
Description:10
Overall Creativity:10

This was everything i could have hoped for. It had a good plot, a consistant tone, inviting beginning, and a definite ending. The story was engrossing. The words were rich and powerful without being verbose. On the whole it was a delightful read.....penis joke.

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Originally posted by Elara

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Grammar: 7
Spelling: 9
Plot: 9
Character: 9
Description: 10
Overall Creativity: 10

The only real problem that you had was punctuation, other than that the story was wonderful. I loved the descriptions as well as the plot. The characters were well done as well. A truly excellent job!

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Originally posted by venomouslobster

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Grammar: 6
Spelling: 8
Plot:7
Character:9
Description:4
Overall Creativity: 7


This shows the marks of great writing potential, clearly the work of someone who knows many powerfull words. I took off points for description because though you make a brave attempt at beautiful language you also made it so verbose that you lost sight (frequently) of what you were talking about. Also you used words incorrectly and had many redundancies (ie: "shattering the tranquility of my mind’s serenity").

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Originally posted by Elara

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Grammar: 8
Spelling: 9
Plot: 6
Character: 7
Description: 7
Overall Creativity: 8

Good potential, those too verbose to really get one into the story. Overall, good show of vocabulary and nice descriptions... not too bad for random inspiration.

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Originally posted by Zabuza

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And, while I can't give a full critique to Cairoi's "Blood", I was very impressed. Give him the full 60 points from me.

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Originally posted by venomouslobster

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Grammar: 8
Spelling: 9
Plot: 10
Character: 9
Description: 10
Overall Creativity: 10

This was a beautiful story. It was descriptive, without being overly loquacious. The content of the story was interesting to me, it had a good rising action, falling action, and end. The climax was distinct. Overall, I feel that this was the most well "constructed" story that has been turned in.

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Originally posted by Elara

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Grammar: 8
Spelling: 9
Plot: 9
Character: 9
Description: 10
Overall Creativity: 10

This was a very interesting story to read. It had an excellent flow, the character was very well written and not flat at all. A truly excellent job!

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Originally posted by venomouslobster

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Grammar: 9
Spelling: 8
Plot: 0
Character: 9
Description: 9
Overall Creativity: 10

You're story has the potential to become a very good novella or novel. I really enjoyed the beginning and I am looking forward to seeing how the character is developed in the future. However, this passage that you wrote wasn't a short story. I couldn't give you any points for plot because, while there was rising action, there was no climax or falling action. It was a scene's arc, rather than a story's arc. Please don't allow your score to affect your writing more of this story.

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Originally posted by Zabuza

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"On the Moonlight Path" - by

WhiteRose

Critique:
Nice start to a story, but doesn't seem like a good short story. It needs more in less.

Grammar:

Spelling:

Plot (Flow and Concept):
liked the start of the plot, but needs more.

Characters:
Engaging, but a little flat.

Descriptions (Readability and

Flow):
"The sighed yet again and turned her back on the moon" I assume you meant to say, "She sighed..."

"She walked into the warm candle light that illuminated her house" Awkward sentence. Try "walking into the warmth of the candlelight" or something similar.

Overall Creativity/Originality:
Excellent!

Overall:
Grammar: 9 points.

Spelling: 9 points.

Plot: 9 points.

Characters: 8 points.

Description: 9 points.

Creativity/Originality:
9 points.

Total: 53 out of 60 points. 88%

of 100%. B+.

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Originally posted by venomouslobster

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Grammar: 6
Spelling: 8
Plot: 7
Character: 7
Description: 7
Overall Creativity: 7

Clearly this has potential as a story, but the most important job of a writer is to be a rewriter... and a rewriter, and a rewriter, and a rewriter. This story has a very first draft feel to it. If I were you, I'd go over it and substiture words, clean up the text, and read Elements of Style.

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Originally posted by Zabuza

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"23" - by X Marks the Spot.

Critique:
Excellent introduction. Really grabs at the reader, makes want to read more...

Grammar:
"As if they were no more than grains..." "As if there were..."

"...streetlights, which seems to flicker..." Keep your tenses straight: "...seemed to flicker..."


Spelling:
A few misspellings, and a few misused words. "As if on queue," should be "As if on cue,".

Plot (Flow and Concept):
I don't fully understand what's happening, but it seems like an intriguing start to something bigger...obviously not meeting the terms of a short story.

Characters:
Character was a little one-dimensional. He needs work.

Descriptions (Readability and Flow):
Too much use of "he" and "his". Try starting sentences in other ways using objects or situations to start off.

Unfortunate, that for such a good hook at the beginning it quickly became too slow and methodical. I had to force myself to read.

Overall Creativity/Originality:
Very nice concept. A little noir and obscure, but could turn to a nice mind-fuck if properly revised.

Overall:
Grammar: A few tense and typos--minor though. 9 points.

Spelling: Minor errors. 9 points.

Plot: I don't know what's going on. 5 points.

Characters: One sided. 7 points.

Description: Very well thought out and executed. 10 points.

Creativity/Originality: I've seen it before, videogame plots especially. 9 points.

Bothering me once knocked you for an overall 5 points.

Total: 44 out of 60 points. 73% of 100%. C.

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Originally posted by venomouslobster

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Grammer:8
Spelling: 9
Plot:4
Character:4
Description:6
Overall Creativity:6


This was interesting but reading it was like watching my friend play "halo" over and over again. The plot was lacking substance and what substance there was was came out like a sequel to a remake of a summer movie that was originally a knockoff of james bond. Write about people.

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Originally posted by Zabuza

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I couldn't finish "Caine" by Vulcanlogic, but it was a little dry...so I'm not scoring high on what I've read--20 points.

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Originally posted by Elara

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Grammar: 7
Spelling: 8
Plot: 9
Character: 8
Description: 9
Overall Creativity: 8

Ending leaves something to be desired, and overall a little dry. I cut you some slack because I know you cut this down for the word limit to submit it. Overall it was well written but I think the description and character need a bit of work. Nice job overall though.

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