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| Xeogaming Forums - Sunset Waterfall - Incredibly awkward family situation, help ASAP |
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator          Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 100 days Last activity: 89 days |
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| Well rarely do I try to use this forum thesedays, but I really do need some extra opinions and suggestions on this case.
Over the last two years I think I've really picked up my life back together and am back on the road to getting things done. Things are going good and I like doing it at my pacing. Long story short earlier this week my family threw a big one at my shoulders, they want my sister and I to attend a local seminar/counseling group thing called Breakthrough. My parents and all their friends and everyone in the world who's attended it apparently loves it, saying that it can really help with outlooks and ideals in life, improve relationships, etc, and it's also not supposed to be religious at all. Thing is, I really don't have a lot of interest in going. It's a total of about 10 full days in 2-3 months or so and I don't believe you can just go to the first few or anything. This is where it gets awkward. My relationship with my sister is pretty bad, not in that we have any issues with one another at all, but that there's hardly any relationship at all. We hardly know each other. I'm mostly at fault here but it's kind of both of us I'd say. The age gap is the main issue here, I'm 22, she's 17, growing up we've always been far and apart in a lot of stuff and we've always been more interpersonal types, so it's rare if we strike up conversation. We've been working on it pretty well the last few years and it's getting better. I think this is something we can improve naturally and in a way I even think if I moved out and she grows up just a bit more, it'd be a whole different situation. If I moved out I could see it helping improve our interactions a lot, but I really have a hard time explaining this one. Second part is that in a way my parents are letting me decide on this one, at least I think, because I'm 22. But I'm 22 and still living at home and it's scary to think how they'll react if I say I don't want to go. The payment is very heavy for this service and we've been in a ditch for several years now, my parents even said it'd probably take them 2 years or so to pay this off, but they are fully ready and wouldn't have a problem doing it. Obviously they really really want me to go and during our random recent family dinner (when they brought this up), they made sure to keep enforcing the fact... that I can trust them, they only want the best for me, etc, which is all true. I'm completely understandable with them there. I even just got a message from my sister on Facebook (which I'm sure fully enforces the fact of how odd and poor our relationship is) about this today, my parents brought up the fact it'd help her if I went to this thing so my sister would know a familiar face and this could even probably improve our relationship, which is all true. But she says that stuff and notes how disappointed my parents would probably be if I didn't go, probably along with her. (funny thing here is that I have wanted to talk to her about this and a few other things over the last few days, but she's either been out of the house somewhere or completely tied up with her boyfriend. I just want to let her know I love her, I know I'm an extremely faulty brother, it's nothing she did wrong, and that hopefully she wouldn't be angry or upset with me if I didn't go). There's just way, way too much pressure here. This thing starts up on the 25th of this month I believe. - Am I scared and or am I being very selfish here? All in all, I just really do not have a lot of interest in going, at all. I really don't. It's as simple as that and I've been on that thought for this whole week. But now the situation is just dumping anxiety all over me. I know I'm older still living at home and my parents hardly ask anything of me (most of the time), and I could be doing more, but as I started saying at the start here I feel like I've been getting my life back on track on my own account and am doing very well at my own pacing. I know therapy is probably utterly different from this seminar stuff and there's the fact that I only have had experience with one therapist, but I absolutely hated it. He didn't help at all, but I just can't help but feel this stuff would give me the same kind of feeling. Again, is this just me blindingly being selfish? Or in a way here does it sound like my family might have a hard time accepting me? Maybe I trap all my emotions and self evolution inside myself refusing others to help, I don't know. Who can explain their own character flawlessly? Another problem here, another good point from my parents on the situation, is that the "timing" for this is pretty good. I'm only attending school this semester so far still looking for a job, so I do have a good bit of free time, and my sister is at a more mature age. As stated above it's a 10 day thing but these are full days and the third part is basically a 5 full day camping trip, we'll be spending the night there. I can see where my parents are coming from here. But on another hand I almost feel like this is just horrible timing because I'm really not "feeling it" right now and they sprung this up so randomly, like in a way I feel like I wouldn't mind suggesting "Could we do this next year instead?" ... but yeah, the "timing" might not be as good. I even kind of brought this up during that dinner but all my parents could say was "You can say that, but there will never be a time when you want to go". Well, I think that's enough for now. If any of you come here and try to convince me otherwise perhaps that'll unleash nothing but my selfishness, but again I just can't see a magical light flipping anytime soon that says "Yes, I'll go". Can't I be different? Or am I just scared of risks? I don't know, who does. (Last edited by Xeu on 06-19-10 05:49 AM) |
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True Flight The One Since: 08-21-04 Since last post: 112 days Last activity: 112 days |
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| Reminds me of a situation my sis and I have. The age gap isn't as big as your's we're Irish Twins. ANYWAY the one thing you want to do is display your opinion. If you can't get ahold of your sister, take her away from the situation. Send her a message on Facebook. Say Hey can we go out for lunch just you and me. Get into an area that is neither at home or near her friends and family. Once you have her out there. Ask her why she feels it's so important that you come along. Then go from there. If it's really legit. Maybe you need to go. | |||
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Rogue If you're reading this... You are the Resistance Since: 08-17-04 Since last post: 646 days Last activity: 455 days |
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Originally posted by Xeu That's your answer, really. Your parents are pressuring you to take this big, expensive route to get the two of you to talk. It's like paying $5 for a card just to say you love someone. You want to say it, then SAY it. Break the ice. Tell her how you feel. You shouldn't have to be pressured to go through some middle man to learn to talk to someone. I'll say this now, though. You're definitely not the first person I've ever heard say he has no relationship with his sibling. At least yours lives in the same house. One of my dad's good friends just passed away and the guy's sister, his only next of kin, refuses to answer the phone, return calls, make funeral arrangements or anything as they were so estranged. His body has been in a morgue for the past month and a half because no one else is claiming him. Poor Bob. I really liked him. My own boyfriend, 26, is separated from his brother and sister by several hundred miles. One lives in another state, and the other several counties away. His younger siblings were accidents (they are aware) and they're so much younger than he is. He can't even relate to his spoiled 16-year-old sister who's a whole 'nother generation down, but they still talk whenever they see each other. Anyway... I don't think you should do this Breakthroughs thing. These lifestyle seminars RARELY work, at least not permanently. BUT, I strongly believe you should talk to your sister. When your parents are gone, it'll just be the two of you. And hey, life is short. Before you know it, you'll be moving away from each other, getting on with your own lives, maybe seeing one another at Christmas or Thanksgiving. You don't HAVE to go camping or do bullshit trust exercises, catching each other as you fall back and so on. But I really think you should at least say what you wrote above. And while you're at it, why don't you get to know her boyfriend too? |
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 100 days Last activity: 89 days |
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| Thanks Rogue, again I don't know if I'm trying to make myself feel secure and reassured here by "hearing what I want to hear" from someone else, but I'm glad someone else thinks this kind of thing could be fixed more naturally and by ourselves. I don't think I specifically said that above, but that is the way I'm kind of looking at this here... I don't want this seminar to be an "excuse" to fix up my relationships with my family, I want us to fix that stuff ourselves. And we're on that track lately.
My parents went through this breakthrough thing a few years ago and was probably a huge factor that saved their marriage, but yeah. That was fresh just a couple of years ago, along with others they talk about who love it. As you said in the long run, I can't see something like this radically changing someone for who they are. Not that I don't think it could really help, I'm sure it can, but you probably know what I'm saying. On another note though about "getting to know her boyfriend", the thing is... so far over the last few years she's always been kind of the clingy type and switches up relationships all the time, and it seems like she always has to be with someone. The current guy is a little older (20) but definitely doesn't seem much more mature than her age, but yeah. The thing is, just who knows if they'll even be together next week? The one really nice guy she meant last year unfortunately had a really hard life with his mom whom was beyond bi-polar disorder, pulled him out of school the last week of his Junior year, he "disappeared" for a week, etc. It was crazy stuff but thankfully he was able to move states away and live with his dad again and hopefully have a better lifestyle, the only problem here is that now him and my sister are states away. So she's kind of in a boyfriend relationship mess again. I feel like it'd be pretty tough to talk about that kind of thing with her, with my tiny amount of experience in real relationships, our age gap and the gender differences... but yeah, maybe something I could bring up sometime with her. Well no luck on talking today so far, she's been in and out, again with her boyfriend all day for awhile and I got like no sleep last night (maybe because of this) so I'm just kind of laying around. But we're all going out to eat tomorrow for fathers day, afterwards would probably be the perfect time to confront her. I know I need to be the one to do it. |
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Katana Dark Wizard \"She said tonight...come on come on collide...see what I fire feels like..I bet its just like heaven.\"  Since: 08-15-04 From: Philadelphia, P.A. Since last post: 1567 days Last activity: 1384 days |
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| Truthfully, its ultimately your decision. I can see this Breakthrough thing working, but only because you'd want it to. I'm no psychiatrist, and I really don't want to sway you either way, because, shit, I might not know what the hell I'm talking about.
But, Rogue and True are on the right track, in my opinion. The idea of taking your sister out of the "usual" situation, and maybe taking her to lunch or something.... My family situation is weird. I know both sides of the spectrum. Older sisters are 10+ years older than me, younger sisters are 13+ years younger than me, and then I have two sisters, one will be 19 in a month, the other 21 in three months, and myself, just turning 21 LAST month. I think someday you won't feel like there's such an age gap between you and your sister, but until the both of you mature, then it's going to seem like a lot. My older sisters and I get along because they bunch me in as "one of the kids" sometimes, case in point, I'm 22, and I have a 17 year old niece. She and I are not siblings, but she and I ended up in a VERY similar situation. And it's funny, because the boyfriend thing is almost identical. I know she seems to have a "flavor of the week" to sum it up, but even then, think about it, you're not trying to get to know the boyfriends for you and the boy. You're doing it for her. And out of the three of you (You, the boyfriend, and her.) who are the ones that will be family for the rest of your lives? And you never know, her having a boyfriend that is cool with her older brother, might make her feel into them longer. Anyway, without going on and on, PMs will suffice if you'd like to share more specif experiences and try to get some ideas, how about this: You tell your family your intentions of fixing things. You suggest the possibiity of trying the breakthrough thing IF this doesn't work. And again, the possibility, so you're not locking yourself in. To anything. Cuz who the hell knows, you might want to try it. I, personally agree with the analogy of "It's like paying 5$ for a card saying you love someone." I really, truly do. But I don't think, in said analogy, you're paying for the card, you're paying for the piece of mind, and if that's what you want/need, then that's what it boils down to. But I really think it's important to admit your fault when it's due, like you already have. Admit it to them. Explain your intent and ideas to try and fix it. Explain that you want this to be between you and her, because YOU two are the ones who are family, not the support group. Or whatever. Pretty much I think what you said in your last post, if you were to explain that to your parents and your sister, and then actually PUT it into practice, you'll be fine.  To sum it all up at least, not dumb it down.  |
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True Flight The One Since: 08-21-04 Since last post: 112 days Last activity: 112 days |
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| Thanks for agreeing with me Katana. Let me correct myself. You don't have to go. You just need to message her on her facebook and ask to go out for lunch away from the area or go for a walk in the park and display your opinion to her first. See if she agrees. | |||
Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable  Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 112 days Last activity: 112 days |
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| I have to agree with the others here. I mean, yeah it sounds like it could work but you are being forced into it and that is not cool. Have you had a chance to talk to your sister about this yet? | |||
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Rogue If you're reading this... You are the Resistance Since: 08-17-04 Since last post: 646 days Last activity: 455 days |
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| Yeah, Xeo. You've been awful quiet lately. Are you talking to her?
I looked her up on Facebook. She likes METAL. You're in. EDIT: AND she plays music in public. GO to her shows!! (Last edited by Rogue on 06-23-10 05:43 AM) |
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 100 days Last activity: 89 days |
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| Yes, I honestly have not had the time to talk yet, our schedules have been so hectic this week all of a sudden. It will happen today though!
I'll keep you guys posted. |
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 100 days Last activity: 89 days |
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| Well my dad and I had a little seminar tonight so far. I texted my sister awhile ago, but no response yet and I'm not sure where she's at.
My dad, bless his loving heart, has never been the best when it comes to talking about these serious situations when it's just one on one. We're not biological and I don't want that to be a major excuse here, but we just simply work and think very differently. So a lot of the times when he talks to me and tries to encourage me about a lot of stuff, I end up feeling a little bad about it instead, so his intentions are a bit reversed. If that's making any sense. His big point here was that he and my mother love me and want the best, and they want me to want to go through this. So the major thing here is that I'm more than likely going to be feel a bit like I'm letting them down a lot with my decision. But, yeah. It starts tomorrow and I'm still pretty set on not going, that's never really changed over the course of this week. |
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 100 days Last activity: 89 days |
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| Well apparently my sister snuck out and was gone until 7:00 AM last night. Mom comes into my room crying about the situation and worried about what she'll do next, she's so pissed off at my parents and all this weird stuff. I talked to my sister afterwards about some stuff.
But basically I was trapped in a corner and went. If anything right now I'm going for my sister more than myself. It's a little annoying, but oh well. First night was okay, damn thing felt like it took forever though. Tomorrow is like 9-8, ugh. Wish me luck. |
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Rogue If you're reading this... You are the Resistance Since: 08-17-04 Since last post: 646 days Last activity: 455 days |
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| So she snuck out and feels like your parents are crazy? You guys should bond over that.
Either way, best of luck!! <3 <3 <3 |
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 100 days Last activity: 89 days |
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| Yeah she has a lot of rebellious issues right now and she told me she probably wouldn't go to this if I didn't. She's the type that would probably show up there, but call a friend or something and sneak up. So at the least I'm doing this for her benefit, I hope. | |||
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Rogue If you're reading this... You are the Resistance Since: 08-17-04 Since last post: 646 days Last activity: 455 days |
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| So....? Dish!!! | |||
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 100 days Last activity: 89 days |
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| Whoops, I was in [Auto-Not-Look-At-Sunset] mode again.
Uh, basically this thing has been absolutely nothing but positive and life changing. Been talking to my parents for hours these last few nights. My sister is my new best friend. Between the breaks of session 1 and 2 (10 days apart) we went to my grandma's for dinner and she later called my mom and said she already saw huge changes in the way my sister and I were. Also went to my dad's surprise birthday party... and had fun! I wanted to be there. This weekend was the second (and toughest session from what most people say), it was the longest though starting Wednesday night and we were there everyday up to now. Even on the internet though, I'm gonna stay true to the rules. Haha! We like to joke that it's a cult... but basically you just simply can't talk about what goes on behind the doors of this seminar thing, because it's about the experience rather than the details and overcoming fear of the unknown for a lot of people, etc. The people I've met at this thing over the course of just 8 days I can say I know about 20x more than some of my friends I've had for years. It's definitely more group counseling of sorts, but also definitely about finding "yourself" above all. It's been a fun and interesting spiritual journey in a way as well... while it is Christian based, it's not religious. The funny thing is when my parents did this 5 years ago (saving their marriage) my dad went from condemning super Christian dad to someone whom has his own beliefs now, cusses, and ... he's just way more relaxed and fun. And it seems pretty obvious that a lot of religious people going through this thing walk out with a new light that only they can see and need to see. To be really blunt and critical here I've been through several churches growing up, but all that stuff was bullshit and everyone wore a "mask". If you weren't doing this or that, you were wrong! That's not this seminar... this shit is real on a whole new level. You stop talking with your brain and end up talking with your heart. A lot of people from what I hear going through this whom were super religious end up quitting church, yet they find a new faith they never knew existed. Anyways, I'm sure there's great churches out there and I'm probably preaching a bit here... and it's really NOT a cult or religious thing at all, that's just some of the religious kind of stuff I've gotten out of this so far by having seen watched other super religious people step in and out of this process. They become free. But yeah, my 8,000 some posts probably wouldn't match up to how much I could talk about the journey I've been through in this process... so this summary is obviously pretty silly, but it's no lie at all, lol. Things have changed, and I'm loving it. (Last edited by Xeu on 07-12-10 04:30 AM) |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 112 days Last activity: 112 days |
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| Just had to work in that post count, didn't you?
But seriously, I am glad that you are having a good time and that things are improving. I do find it really amusing that a church-sponsored thing is removing the sticks out of people's asses that the church put there in the first place. So are the sessions helping out with your sister's urges to rebel? |
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 100 days Last activity: 89 days |
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| I definitely think so. She finally had a good talk with my parents a few nights ago I believe, but her boyfriend has been robbing her of this experience a bit here and there. Apparently he showed up at the hotel (where this is taking place) when it was over and she wasn't expecting it ... it completely pissed her off and ruined her day and she finally cut it off with him, but my parents say she's the type that can get back together in an instant. I'm not sure what's up now. But she's made new and better friends now so hopefully she can move on, she certainly seems a lot more happier right now like myself. | |||
Phoenixocracy The one true Xeodent  Since: 01-08-10 From: Xeomerica Since last post: 1708 days Last activity: 1708 days |
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| I haven't posted in here because i felt awkward doing so, not talking to you much. But I'm glad everything is working out, man. Even your first post to the update post, it sounds like you have changed a lot, and benefited from this experience. And not only you, it seems, but your sister also. | |||
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 100 days Last activity: 89 days |
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| Session 3 begins tonight. Whoooooooooo. |
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| Xeogaming Forums - Sunset Waterfall - Incredibly awkward family situation, help ASAP |
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