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| Xeogaming Forums - Sunset Waterfall - Manic-depressive, bipolar and everything in between |
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Cteno Super Shotgun Moderator         Since: 01-11-05 Since last post: 91 days Last activity: 89 days |
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| Well, I went about a week without crying for once but I finally broke down tonight. My head is swimming right now, got a fucking headache the size of the Sun. I'm so sick of this... Whenever I think I've finally conquered it, it simply returns at full force and slaps me right in the face.
Sometimes I wish that I could just erase some of my memories, even some of the good ones. Everybody says "hold on to the memories of the good times" but those make me feel worse than if I remember my parents fighting or watching a family member die... I can barely even remember what Regina looks like anymore, why do I even fucking care? She's not the same person as before, that's for sure. The woman that I fell in love with is dead to me and it kills me every time I think about it. On top of that, I'm getting that weird feeling in the bottom of my stomach again, the one that happens right before I lose a job. I really don't want to lose this one but I'm afraid that something unexpected is going to fuck up that's beyond my control, whether it's a jackass customer complaining about something that isn't my fault, my stupid emotions making me not want to go to work/do anything, etc... I've been right each and every time so far. I just hope that it's a fluke, just a passing thought. Seriously... fuck. I have horrible credit. Some of my former best friends hate me. My former fiancee hates me. I don't get along with my parents or brother. I have bad luck in general. Every time something good happens, something equally bad takes its place, destroying any hope of achieving happiness, or at least the feeling of being content. I'm never content with anything. Nothing I do will amount to anything, I've wasted my entire life up until this point and I hate myself for it every single day. I've been trying to turn things around but I simply just don't have the fucking motivation. There's just no fucking point. I'm not going to give up completely, however, but my mind simply won't allow me to achieve anything other than what I do day in and day out. I'm going to be stuck like this until I retire (if ever) or die of cancer or a freak accident or whatever. I feel so fucking trapped in this moment of my life... I can't ever find anything positive or constructive to do with my time, I can't even draw anymore! All of those years of practicing drawing and guitar are basically null and void, I've lost nearly all of my skill in both and I don't even have the will to try to redeem either of them. Sorry for such a shitpost. I just need to let it out somewhere. I don't expect anybody to post a follow up, nor do I care. I probably won't read it anyway. |
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator  Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 87 days Last activity: 76 days |
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| Well the title of this thread makes me want to ask, have you taken up any anti-depressants before? I'm no heavy med user at all but I eventually broke down two years ago and started trying some, eventually Paxil was the one that helped pull me out of the rut and next thing I know I was working full time for a year and tapered off the drug. The drug did leave me with an extra 20 pounds though, whereas Prozac I think it was made me lose a chunk of weight (it was pretty bad). The downside is these meds take a lot of experimentation and take awhile to wear off, so I was literally trying different doses and meds, etc, for about a year until I got the one that worked. It was worth it though and again, I'm usually pretty anti-meds but I'm glad I finally found some that helped.
Other than that I don't know what to say. Having a lot of family issues myself. But anyways life is too short to keep ourselves in the past and we've gotta live in the future, but that's not the easiest task in the world and I know I'm the same way with issues in the past and such. But just an ideal train of thought. |
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Cteno Super Shotgun Moderator Since: 01-11-05 Since last post: 91 days Last activity: 89 days |
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| As far as treatment goes, my doctor recommended lithium. I've seen what happens when you take it, I don't want to wake up from my lithium coma 40 years from now.
Also, I tried killing myself when I took Zoloft my Junior year. That's what makes me not want to take anti-depressants. It makes the irrational completely plausible, I hated it. |
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Phoenixocracy The one true Xeodent  Since: 01-08-10 From: Xeomerica Since last post: 1695 days Last activity: 1695 days |
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| Everyone does always say hold on to the good memories, but that's not always right. It can just make things alot worse at times because then you're comparing your life now to the life that used to be,, and it makes you even more depressed. Letting go is sometimes the best thing. I was never engaged, but I generally know how you feel about your ex-fiance. Being in love with someone and then them completely changing is really hard. It makes you question why you were ever with them in the first place, and you hate everything about them and yourself. But at the same time, you still probably love her, and can't accept that she changed. Even if not, letting go is the best thing for you to do in that situation. When you finally let go, you stop comparing everything to the past. Yeah, your life might not be great right away, but it looks alot better.
As for the family thing, why do they hate you? Is it anything you can resolve? Grnted, you're older than I am, but my family hates me, too. I've never once gotten along with my sisters. The stance I take on that is "Why do I need them?". Because if I keep them around after I move out, they're going to do nothing but hinder me. You should try to move on without them, as bad as that may sound. Just a suggestion. I can't really help you with the job, but just (and I know from reading the rest of this that its a stretch) try to stay positive about it. If you constantly think that you're going to get fired, you'll start doing alot less because you find the work pointless if you're just gonna lose your job anyway. You can get through this, Val. |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable  Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 99 days Last activity: 99 days |
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| Ok, some of this may sound bitchy, but I have found that blunt honesty helps a lot more than kind words in these situations. Know that I say this with much affection and good will.
On the job. Ignore the feeling and keep doing the best job you can. If you think about it, you will fuck up and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Honestly, it sounds like that is what happened to you in the past. Your family does not hate you nearly as much as you think they do. Sure, they may not get along with you, but family is family and when the chips are truly down they will be there if you reach out to them. Most likely they are just frustrated by watching you floundering in your own self-loathing. I went through this, trust me. Fuck "remembering the good times". They are nice to look back on later when you are okay with everything, but like Phoenix said, all you are doing right now is comparing them to your life now. Forget Regina and let her go, it didn't work out and in the long run it's probably better for you if she went through a massive personality change. That happened to me when my ex-fiance left. Honestly I feel like I dodged a bullet now, and in time so will you. Again though, if memory serves, the break-up had a lot to do with your depression as well. Which brings me to my next bit of advice. You may not like it, but you really should get medicated. If you don't trust lithium, tell your doctor to find something else. I'm sure they know about the zoloft fiasco but if not tell them to avoid it (anti-depressants and teenage hormones do not mix, being older might change things). Also, go to therapy or find someone that is willing to listen to you and be bluntly honest. Trust me, being told you're acting like a child and that you're the only one that can fix your problem does a lot to motivate you. Bottom line is that no matter what, if you don't like how you are now YOU are the one that has to take the first step to fix it and just sitting there going "whoa is me" does nothing but exacerbate the situation. Do what Xeo did, take it long enough to stabilize and wean yourself off of it and move on from there. Force yourself to draw again, or play the guitar. To hell with being in the mood to do it, just do it. Take a class or something where you have a deadline to motivate you. Just do something to keep your mind active. You'd be surprised at how those skills come back. As someone who has gone on countless "I hate my life" rants, I can honestly say that a lot of what you are going through right now is not nearly that bad and your mind is just blowing it out of proportion. Once you climb out of the hole, you will see it was not really that deep, but who cares since you'll be out and that is what matters. If you have to cry a bit in the process, so be it, probably helping. But you need to want to get out of that hole before anything will change. We are here for you, man. I hope you can get it all together and that things start looking up for you soon. |
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 87 days Last activity: 76 days |
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Originally posted by Elara Do this. Force yourself into some of your hobbies and surround yourself with things you enjoy doing. This helped me a bit in the past from time to time. The zoloft incident is a bit scary and unusual, but not totally unheard of. It's recommended to see if you can see a therapist while trying out medications like this. And definitely understand if one therapist isn't working, don't give up and see someone else. I believe anti-depressants had multiple families of medications, does your doctor or whomever you're seeing know about the zoloft incident? The incident should be treated seriously. If you don't believe lithium is right for you try to explain why with your doctor or better yet if you feel comfortable about it, see if you can start fresh with another doctor and explain your past experiences on what meds and such, then see what they say. Chances are they might have a different idea, now that I think about it, I think a temp doctor I saw was the one that ended up putting me on Paxil and not my main doctor for the day. Funny how that works out. Believe me I don't want to sound like a drug pusher at all, but yeah. It can be that little bump that can push you back out there just enough to get you going again. Better yet is anyone in your line of family diagnosed with ADD? It's extremely hereditary. I haven't mentioned this on the boards at all yet, but chances are my mother, her family, and sister have had symptoms of ADD all along. They started taking meds and it's a miracle how much they help, so last semester I started taking some myself and from the day I started taking them on my schooldays, I never missed a single day from there on. Do research if you're interested or even curious about this, if you don't associate with the hyper active ADHD symptoms, there's the inattentive side as well (which is more than likely what I have). Memory issues, bad self regulation, lack of motivation getting myself out of bed unless I have an orderly set schedule, insomnia (overactive mind), etc. These are things that I have and so far meds for ADD have been pretty helpful. I'm still experimenting though, as I get some bad side ffects like tense muscles, headaches, lack of appetite, etc, later in the day when they wear off. The thing about these kinds of meds compared to anti-depressants however, is that they are -instant- and run out of your system pretty much the next day. So it's not as time consuming at all and you don't have to worry about tapering on or off. I spoke to my psychiatrist about my big depression a few years ago and he basically said the core issue, ADD, could have been what really needed to be treated earlier. It sounds like depression and ADD symptoms go hand in hand quite a bit, but the funny thing is so far myself, my mother and sister, are probably in the belief that these meds are better than any anti-depressants we ever took. I only take them 2-3 times a week (regulation is a little more recommended here, lol) but even on the days I'm not on the meds, I feel like my mood and motivation has improved even more. But that's me! So that's not the case for everyone, but I figured I'd bring that up. But I'll leave it at that in case you're already familiar with this stuff or not. (Last edited by Xeu on 06-24-10 10:27 PM) |
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Byte Dry Bones Back  Since: 07-30-05 From: Macomb Since last post: 4614 days Last activity: 3585 days |
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| Like Elara and Phoenix you need to stop dwelling on the past and stop thinking about the good and bad memories and go out and make new memories. Also, try picking up a hobby, start doing things you enjoy, or go out and make new friends. This next part may sound cliche, but your family will always be there for you. If you need help just reach out to them. I'm sure they would be glad to help you out of this funk. | |||
Topos Goomba Banned for flaming and flamebaiting Since: 08-28-10 Since last post: 5198 days Last activity: 5199 days |
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| See a different psychiatrist to get a second opinion. Seriously.
This guy isn't doing you any favors if anything you've said is true. |
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