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| Xeogaming Forums - Sunset Waterfall - Filipino |
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator          Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 99 days Last activity: 88 days |
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| This is heavy and you guys are completely in the dark on this I think. I've been writing up essays worth to a few friends around off and on for awhile lately with lots of details and emotions. And this is two years worth of development at my work, so just way too much to cover entirely at once here but yeah. I'll try to summarize.
MARRIED. I know. Please forgive me for being human and making a mistake? Have you ever been indirectly ruined? I'll get back to this. So there's this tiny chick at my work who's in her early 30's (doesn't look it at all though haha). She is (I think) like the nicest and most genuine person I've probably met in my life. Which, with the revelations this week, might be her greatest flaw as well. With only half the staff working Friday's, when I was a part of them for the first year or so I've been at this job, we bonded a fair bit. Her, this other guy, and this cool chick who moved away after awhile. She keeps in touch with her. But so yeah, just this very last week my friend said she still considers us her best friends and doesn't have that kind of friendship or trust in anyone else (trust me pharmacies are drama feuding warzones so it's been rough to say the least). Back when I worked Friday's she would bring me cookies, cakes, other goodies every single week pretty much. Sometimes the other dude (of this small knit group) too, but they've always been like more of a brother/sister combination. Always been frustrating since she hates receiving gifts and ignores ideas and such to get her stuff all the time, just gives gives and gives when I worry she forgets to give HERSELF something sometimes. Still, it never felt like an obsession or overkill with the things she got me, so they usually felt meaningful, but were definitely frequent. You know people in your life when you talk, it's like your words just float right through their ears? They just nod away and probably don't give a fuck? She's just always been the opposite. Lost track of how many good conversations we've had and she'd always give her full attention when I talk and vice versa. Always a lot of intense eye contact going on too when I don't really see her do that at all with others. Everybody at work knows there's a crush going on here and everyone thinks it's MUTUAL. Both ways. But [if she likes me], she gets really hesitant or reluctant to do things if people try to put her and I in situations alone together. Like matching us up or pairing us up for some kind of project/job or whatever, when she never does this with anyone else, male or not. Yet there's just no way she's doing this because she does NOT like me, it definitely feels like anything but that. I've tried to joke about going back to working Friday's "only if I can close with you!" and she just instantly suggests someone else in a joking manner. There's been many cases of where me, her, and two other chicks will walk around the building during break, but if the other two chicks aren't around or not doing it, despite me and her still being up for it... the idea is instantly shut down and it's like we're not allowed to walk just the two of us. She also has a big thing on no-touching, culture, tiny woman, etc, a lot of this makes tons of obvious sense...but she's opened up to like that other dude and will hug him sometimes over silly things or whatnot. This year she had the idea to gather people up for my birthday to go out to dinner which happened last Friday and was a blast. She had no problem hugging everyone else when we were leaving, but... I had to go for the hug myself and it felt like it took an eternity for her to react and put an arm around me "Huhhhhhh, Steeeeeeve" (if she did, not sure if I even felt that). Drinking was involved and nothing crazy happened, but yeah on our way out I couldn't help but go in for another hug. Physical contact with her is a huge deal, but not impossible... but wow I think that's the first time in the two years I've known her I've laid a finger on her and vice versa. A lot of this stuff just feels like silly playful grade school love. The kind where you pretend you don't want any of that, but you really do. Now it gets nasty. She's been married for 11 years, she was 22 I think and the dude 34. She never talks about him. Ever. To anyone. Again, their culture and private life or something, but It's almost like... is it because she truly and honestly doesn't romantically love him? I guess this is the part where I say, one time we were joking about sexual stuff or something at work and she couldn't even say "sex" to us. Had to spell it out loud "es ee ex", she wasn't even joking and just sounded like a child. She lives in this huge house and goes on vacations a lot and is so into school it's insane. Children aren't on her agenda at ALL and well, she's 33 now and he's getting up there. The subject of kids is like a joke to her. It just seems unusual... like some kind of red flag. Maybe not, but I always liked her strong independence and interest in education. Still, she loves classical music and super goofy old fashioned names like her husbands, and is just completely in the dark about so much street knowledge, I'm almost worried this guy is some nutcase that has her locked up like some doll. She sounds dangerously sheltered to the point it's just like... she's living some fantasy and it's not fair because it's fake. I wish I could give her an ass kicking back down to reality, even if it sucks sometimes, it's real. Lots of assumptions there, so let's add more. Ranting tonight with my friend at work who has his own perspective, we just kept coming together with the same questions. Did her husband just go over there and pick her out without her having much say? Was the love authentic or not? Is this now her time to experience things like flirting and blushing at the attention some of us give her, she plays it off, but it's obviously she loves it...? How am I not more badass and appealing than some middle aged balding tall old guy who somehow ended up with her? I feel like I could type up pages and pages about her and she could probably do the same about me. And I'm not talking work bullshit or the family basics 101. Passions, hobbies, interests, things that drive us, etc... I just can't describe the tension between us. I can't remember how or why but she gave me her number a long time ago and there's been plenty of texts since. At this point, without just completely confessing things, I have been utterly point blank with how much I dig her, she's my favorite, trust her the most, etccccccc. There's no way she's playing a game here. Doesn't have that in her, that I know. So yeah, the crush factor built back up again this month and everybody at work was noticing it again, joking, etc, I just couldn't help but let it all boil up in my head again. But finally this week by the day little reminders came back that yeah... this is forbidden... this will never happen... she probably doesn't feel that way... etc. Finally today her and I along with the other dude (of the knit group that goes way back between us three)... were just talking and having fun during work, I picked up some papers and started making my away from them. The other guy then started to ask her a bunch of questions like theoretically this and that, about liking some guy and a guy liking her, and the things that were coming out of her mouth just like blew my face off. Even the idea of a guy (me!) liking her sounded like she would be completely offended that said guy (me!) would even dare to think things like that about her. I think she knew I was still standing around right there listening in. The other guy kept going trying to dig up more then she brought up that, years ago she did have some good guy friend that she found out started to like her more than a friend, but then completely cut her off and stopped talking to her. She continued that... she had to talk to her husband about the situation and was completely clueless about why the guy stopped talking about her. Indirect or not, married or not, fuck it. This just kicked me in the balls. Can she seriously be THAT naive? There was one time in the past she approached me one day asking if I was mad at her... I can't even remember what it was about but I wasn't at all and it wasn't a big deal. But today I really wish she would have gotten the vibe and could have approached me... I was so ready to confess to her and straight up tell her you need to be careful... you can't do that! THAT! You cannot be that nice, caring, giving, honest, and interested in a single guy and not expect something to maybe accidentally develop. I wasn't the first, and might not be the last. I shut down for half the day and AGAIN, it was like she could read me better than others and knew I was upset about or something (when everyone else was clueless)... or knew I was upset with her... or knew exactly what she did. But for half the day she wouldn't look at me at all after that big conversation happened. Finally I cooled off after she came back from lunch and got her attention to talk about random stuff... she's either the best actor ever, or talked to me like nothing just happened earlier. And it definitely hasn't felt like, she's thought I've crossed the line lately and had to take steps to push me away or something, if that makes sense. This just came out of nowhere. So, that was one foot in no man's land I guess. I was waiting and seriously wanted something like this to happen and soon so I could get over it again or get worked up about other distractions in life, full well knowing that it was game over from the beginning with her being taken. But damn. Just can't help but shake the idea she might be very conflicted herself. But I'll have to put my barriers up before her now. If she's happy, great, if not, it's in her ballpark now. On one hand, I know it's selfish as fuck, horrible for me to put myself above their marriage, and completely wrong to blame her (for nothing?), but on the other I'm just like... how on Earth can you not see these things!? Do you realize what you're doing? Anyways I definitely don't want to resent anything, so we can just carry on as friends. But, yep. Today I just want to be really sad, pissed, and sensitive. |
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Cteno Super Shotgun Moderator Since: 01-11-05 Since last post: 103 days Last activity: 101 days |
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| Well, shit. | |||
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 99 days Last activity: 88 days |
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| Did I sum it up well? It really feels like we're both stuck and stranded in the middle of a mine field. | |||
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Cteno Super Shotgun Moderator Since: 01-11-05 Since last post: 103 days Last activity: 101 days |
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| Yeah, you did. I just don't know what kind of advice to give, never quite been in that sort of situation before. I don't really know what to say, to be honest. | |||
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 99 days Last activity: 88 days |
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| Yeah, I vented like for an hour last night to my friend (whom is older and seems wiser about these sort of things haha), but him and I were just at a loss on a final note about it all.
The thing is now, I just wonder if I even could confess to her because I'm clueless about what she'd do. I don't know if that'd make me feel better to just get it out and explain things, but not exactly understanding her culture and her full background, I cannot comprehend what her reaction could possibly be. Would she be totally outraged and that'd end any kind of friendship we could have? Because she does have high standards I think. She can get nasty, does have a feud going with another woman at work, and she doesn't seem forgiving in the least about bigger things like this. Trying to wrap my head around it...that one time she apologized to me for whatever reason, it was just so weird. Her face said a lot and it was like she had to have my approval and was so concerned otherwise. I don't know if this goes into her male beliefs that they have to be dominating in some ways (or something) or... what I don't even know. But when I finally had the balls to cool off and talk to her again yesterday after that tension and her not looking at me at all, it was like that same face I had seen before when she thought I was mad at her for something... she was completely lit up like she was so thankful I was talking with her and trying to ease things (if she truly knew what was going on and that I was upset). Like again her face just said weird stuff, like it was a huge sigh of relief I conversed with her and she had my approval again and I was giving her attention. I guess my plan of action for now is to somehow get a little distance again but to try and do it without her noticing or getting concerned. I can tell it might be hard if she's really that good at reading me and other things. It would kill me to hurt her and I can tell it's the same on her end with me it seems. Holy shit, I need to get my mind off this this weekend. |
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True Flight The One Since: 08-21-04 Since last post: 111 days Last activity: 111 days |
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| That's not very healthy, your actions are sound by throwing the ball in her court. I've been in this situation where I was too kind to someone and came off as I was hitting on someone. It wasn't fun... Especially the heartbreak I caused him when I said i wasn't going to leave Eric. I miss my best bud from deployment. I really wanted to keep our friendship going... but that isn't going to happen now is it.
I know you're not as emotional and depressing as he was... and you're able to bounce back in no time. You're in a situation I like to call "It is what it is." At least your situation looks to have a much brighter end at the tunnel either way this goes. |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable  Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 111 days Last activity: 111 days |
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| *hug*
Well, if you haven't reached out to Rogue yet then I suggest it since she can fill you in on Filipino culture and answer some of those questions better than the rest of us probably could. That said, I think you are making the right call. Some people really are just that naive and it would probably be a bad idea to confess to someone that is that... well... clueless. Like Sorcha said, it is what it is. I've been on both sides of that mess... not nearly that bad, but enough to know that it blows either way. |
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 99 days Last activity: 88 days |
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| You guys are right and I was getting a little selfish and cocky there. You're saying the same stuff everyone else I've opened up to about this. It's not going to be easy at all for me, but it's best that I don't tell her. I drove one of her friends home (single parent, later 30's I think... she's really cool and yeah more experienced on these things), and yeah she just confirmed a lot. She IS just that clueless and that is just how she is, I have to understand how to receive her gestures and not take it the wrong way. Confessing would more than likely be insulting to her and well if she did have feelings too, it would make things even harder on both ends... yeah, hearing her friend just verbally slap me in the face with that in person was heavy stuff. So yeah, confronting would just cause the friendship to never be the same again.
She suggested I write down my feelings and put them away. But I took it an extra step further and slipped it in my trash. I just had to express those feelings (opening up to a few people) and then just have to wash it out. It's for the best on both ends. Will be one hell of a battle but yeah, I just have to take a step back myself and create some healthy distance again. The girl I talked with tonight said she will keep an eye out on her for any weirdness, like there was a ton of work and planning put into my birthday party when that was supposed to be the start of a new trend for -everybody-... but she hasn't done a thing on anybody else. So, she may very well have issues she needs to deal with herself. It's also not right for her and the culture thing won't allow it, as her friend said. Intense, but weight definitely lifted off from me tonight. I think it's just tough since her personality is probably exactly what I'd like in a partner. But yeah, I value the friendship more. That really sums it up, simply put, her friend probably just saved our friendship tonight. If Rogue catches this though, yeah I'd be very curious to hear more about the culture and others' experience with it. (Last edited by Xeo on 10-28-13 11:59 PM) |
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Rogue If you're reading this... You are the Resistance Since: 08-17-04 Since last post: 645 days Last activity: 454 days |
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| Hey, I know we've talked about this some over Facebook, but how's it going with this, Xeo? | |||
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 99 days Last activity: 88 days |
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| Wow there's a lot that went down since my last post.
Her name is Ana so it'll be easier to explain things. I CONFESSED. Last Monday, it was a fucking disaster. But I just had to get that out. I walked her to her car, I could tell she was freaking out like she knew it was coming or something, and it was a mess but basically I just handed her the letter, walked off and she quickly got in her car and that was that. Next day, she pulled me to the side and threatened my job basically, then gave the letter to another guy to give to me when we closed for the night. That didn't even phase me after the job threat, but I had it coming. I figure she wasn't comfortable enough to approach me but didn't want to hold onto something like that... I can't blame her. I deserved it, I think. After she went off on me, I ran back up for a minute to try and explain a few quick things like making it clear I had no bad intentions Monday night or whatever and all she could do was sincerely say "No, it's okay..." it was just so confusing. Later I just wanted to believe that she didn't mean everything she said, but had to get her point across my stubborness. Wednesday, I went in happy knowing I didn't want to resent anything or anyone, wasn't mad at the guy who had the letter (I trust him on not reading it), and yeah. But she did try to make a passing joke at one point during work and that kind of irked me a little, just felt like my feelings were but a brief joke or whatever... but again I was just being selfish and stubborn in a lot of ways (do I even have to say I'm a sensitive guy? lmao). Thursday, apologized to her best I could, we made eye contact and smiled. Tension was definitely releasing. Fast forward to now after two days this week and suddenly, this might just get nastier than it needs to be. The deal is is that suddenly there is SO much adding up with drama and things at work, that she might be way too influenced or even might be being manipulated by her friend... the very friend I had an intervention with a few Monday's ago. I'm not trying to justify Ana and I might have had mutual feelings or anything at all and this woman messed that up, but, it's just like suddenly, holy shit, Ana has changed a lot in the last few months and so much adds up to probably stemming from her friend. I could tell after I came out to her friend that afterwards... I just had this unsafe tension with her and it was annoying. It was like a joke to her at first and she was kind of messing with both Ana and I, toying or egging us on to jokingly get closer or whatever, then yeah now it's the opposite. This is where I just feel beyond pissed right now. Something happened tonight at work where I messed up with a fix I should have known, okay it happens and I'm human, but I caught her friend bitching to Ana about it and I just wasn't having it. I spoke up and went to them asking if it was messed up and they both freaked (not often I'm the confronting type, but I just knew she was talking shit on me). This is the worst part because I wasn't seeing or hearing Ana talk any kind of trash whatsoever, but afterwards it ended up looking like I was mad at her too. Her friend left and yeah, suddenly there's tension between Ana and I. I just poured my fucking heart out to knowingly be destroyed and she was a good enough friend (whom I'm lucky to have I hope) to get past it and want us to move on... but of course there's going to be some awkward tension right now, and THIS with her friend IS NOT HELPING!!! We were also going to have a get together party for a pregnant friend at work this Friday, and I went to Ana's friend about everything... suddenly I found out Monday it's cancelled and the other guys find out too. But, it just all seems so damn fishy. I approached Ana about it that day (reminder, awkward tension between us) and just say "I guess it got cancelled? That sucks"... and all I got out of her was "Yeah..." as she walked off. The thing about Ana and I is that, either I trust her more than is healthy, or I just know my intuition is right and for the longest time I felt like she could never lie to me or tell me no. It gets really awkward when something fishy might be up that she could be holding back from me. She's probably like me, a very terrible liar. This pregant friend at work is probably my best friend next to Ana. I will be beyond pissed if there's a game being played here that prevents me from seeing my friend (she's leaving soon). We don't know if there's a secret "girl's night out only" thing going on, but I damn well know my friend would tell me anything before Ana and anyone else there. I'll probably dig around a little tomorrow, but fuck all this for turning into a huge mine field. All I know is that I'm going directly to Ana about anything involving her (like I always should have), because I can tell the friendship is still genuine and she is really trying to earn my trust/friendship back and vice versa... but then there's her friend. They are almost always together, and her friend just seems to be stirring things up for her own pleasure. I'm just so fucking pissed right now. I don't know if I ever could have gotten to talk with Ana alone, now I absolutely understand if I can't... but now it's like the worst time of all times. I just hope she understands that me and the other guy (she gave the letter too), go way back compared to this newer friend of hers whom suddenly just seems to be bad news when I'm looking back on everything. There is just so much all of a sudden adding up that "That isn't Ana...". To make matters worse there's this other cool guy friend of mine at work, whom Ana's friend had a feud with. Suddenly, him and Ana haven't been the same weeks/months since. Ana and this guy pretty much have a feud going now themselves and I'm right there in the middle. I'm just going to be so fucking pissed if our friendship gets ruined because of others. I'll dig around tomorrow. This friend will have herself in a corner. I wish I could tell Ana I still trust her probably more than anyone else at my workplace and I just hope she wakes up and doesn't let her feelings and opinions be strongly influenced by others. Wow that went downhill in weird ways? A lot to process but yeah, any help is appreciated and wow. What a mess. I'm either still not able to get past it in some ways, but I swear to God I really want to believe Ana and I have a very strong friendship and we BOTH know it, but just can't say it to one another and these idiots around us are making things impossible. I really really fucking try to be as neutral as I can in drama and groups, but yeah. This might get ugly. (Last edited by Xeo on 11-12-13 09:55 PM) |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 111 days Last activity: 111 days |
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| Hmn... sounds like you confided in the wrong person with the friend... but yeah, that aside...
I think you need to talk to her (Ana). Let her know you value her friendship, apologize for any awkwardness your confession caused and that it was just something you had to get off your chest. That said, express your concerns that her friend seems to be playing some kind of game for her own amusement and that you are concerned that she and you both are getting sucked into it. |
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 99 days Last activity: 88 days |
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| I just think that scares me more than the thought of confessing did. Trust is such a huge thing for her and even today her and the other guy friend of ours were joking (as usual at work) about how people are "ranked" and you can tell with her jokes aside, she definitely thinks in that kind of way about a lot of things. I'm already on thin ice after what I did and so to challenge her more... this is again just the worst of the worst with timing (blame my timing I guess, haha). Things have escalated but I clearly think I already overstepped some bounds and it's pretty scary now.
But I guess that's just where I have to remind myself that she is like top of the list (next to this pregnant friend), the two people I've always trusted and had the most faith in. I shouldn't fear telling Ana these things, but yeah back on the timing I guess... We would walk during breaks sometimes and all it was was her and her friend bitching about work. I would successfully change the subject sometimes or send Ana a joking text if I overheard her complaining about work in the breakroom or something... like just stop talking about work and that crap. It's gotten so old and repetitive, I firmly believe complaining gets you nowhere and just makes matters worse. Another coworker who finally quit was the same way, her attitude just made her and just about everyone around here completely miserable. Ana's always been a blast of positive energy and was never quite like this in the past before this friend came along. I can't help but see a coincidence now. I get that our job is stressful and there's always going to be politics and bullshit, but it's just not something I picture with her. Whining is basically giving up. I dunno, this is so frustrating. The only frustrating thing now is that Ana clearly is not that comfortable around me alone (maybe even during break at a table or something), and then there's the fact that I shit my pants a little at the thought of her husband seeing her texts or FB messages, etc. Since that might fall back on her culture stuff, her insane commitment and faith... I've always heard and she's made jokes about situations that lead up to this, that she probably tells him -everything-. Maybe I shouldn't give a shit since we're talking friendship only now, but yeah. And well, they're married, I certainly can't overstep that connection haha... so no way in hell would it be wrong for her to tell him all this and more, but yeah. Just makes me a little uneasy I guess, can you blame me? Who knows if the guys owns shotguns or something. Scary, is the word in so many ways here. Also more assumptions on my part, but it's funny to wonder if this newer friend kind of pushed apart Ana and the pregnant friend... don't see those two together nearly as much. And they are both like some of the most positive people you'd ever meet. Never see this new friend and pregnant lady interacting much... *headache* (Last edited by Xeo on 11-12-13 11:11 PM) |
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Rogue If you're reading this... You are the Resistance Since: 08-17-04 Since last post: 645 days Last activity: 454 days |
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| A sad truth about women: they often cycle through best friends, seemingly on a whim. If it's a young best-friendship (under 5 years or so), another person getting between them and making them drift apart happens more than they'd like to admit. I don't mean this to sound misogynistic, but women can just change how they feel about the people about them with lightning speed.
Anyway, the clean-up can be painful and awkward, I agree, but in order to preserve the friendship, you may as well go through the motions of apologizing, saying you understand, and explaining that you still want her in your life, even if platonically. Essentially what Elara said. And yeah, chances are she did tell her husband. What's more it's entirely possible he told her to steer clear of you, perceiving you as a threat to his marriage. I'm sorry, honey. I don't know what I could tell you that would guaranteedly fix everything. |
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 99 days Last activity: 88 days |
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| And I'm done.
She did this to another friend at work over something silly that happened... but at first it felt like she really wanted to move on and patch things up, but for the last two days she's suddenly had a completely different change of tone. We're talking, but it's just awkward and she's been pretty rude to say the least. I texted her the other day in the midst of all the drama recently that, I'm sure there's talk going around or things being said, rumors, etc, but I won't allow others to come in between our friendship. She just said "Oh don't worry about me" in front of a bunch of others (this is the second time or so she's brought something up around people recently, over something that should have been private). It's the second time she hasn't responded back via text too. Finally over it, just have to make sure we're not bitter or resent for awhile I guess. Not the best ending, but I was tired of wondering and my emotions being played. Now I'm boiling on things she said last week about her only wanting work friends, I put her in an unfair position and made it inappropriate... when she was the one going leaps and bounds to give me extra treatment and attention in so many ways. *shrugs* Did what I could, probably tried to stay too close with the text or two I sent recently and things like that, but yeah. |
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Rogue If you're reading this... You are the Resistance Since: 08-17-04 Since last post: 645 days Last activity: 454 days |
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| I'm sorry it went down like this. | |||
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 99 days Last activity: 88 days |
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| New story everyday!
Well, mostly good news today and how it all happened is kind of funny and crazy. So we're barely talking in the morning. I try my damnedest not to be stubborn but just can't help it sometimes so I was pretty tense and I could tell she was too, she was pretty blunt and to the point when we had to interact. So her and others were talking about getting Sarah (pregnant friend) a gift or chipping in for something to give to her next week. I was talking to my guy friend (whom Ana hates for whatever reason and I'll get back to this later) about it midday in to see if others talked to him about it yet, but they hadn't and he brought up that our boss wanted to do something for Sarah as a whole group. So later I went around to Ana's other favorite guy friend whom were both talking about the gifting and stuff for Sarah next week... I asked if he and they knew about our boss wanting to do something special for her, then my guy friend (Ana hates) came around and we all started talking a bit about it... then our boss came around so it's a good chunk of us talking and Ana is keeping to herself for whatever reason. Up to this point I was feeling like she wanted to kill me or something. She finally looked up when everyone was talking and looked at me... I can't tell if that face was for me or the situation but she was ready to kill something. After our boss left and we broke off she just exploded. Stormed off, even to her best girlfriend, and it was the first time I heard her drop some F bombs, bringing up her "shitlist" and wow. It's pretty ridiculous to be honest and did give me a bit of a new perspective on her. I've seen her blow up maybe once or twice before like that, but this was the worst and wow. It's just so silly though, things add up that she does like to control things and that's simply why she got really upset here I guess. She knows Sarah doesn't like everyone and vice versa, and went on about how her friendship with Sarah is "sacred"... and I guess she was totally on some high horse? Only she can make big plans for Sarah and things like that? Others can't be involved? It was nutty but in the midst of this chaos and her meltdown I got to talk to her a lot and helped cool her down. I can't help but be thankful that happened in a way haha. So for the rest of the day we were talking just fine for the most part. And unlike Tuesday/Wednesday when we did talk there was no nasty tone on her end or mine, so we weren't rude or whatever. Even her best friend there was shocked and speechless though and yeah, it was a good picture of like... how I probably looked Hell itself in the face when I confessed to her and the thin ice I'm on lately. She's dropped hints like I'm on the same level as the other guy friend (maybe I was higher? haha no idea) and the other day said when she accepts someone as a friend they're friends for life, etc. But this is easily a huge reason why I was shitting my pants before I confessed and why I piss my pants daily now, I don't want her to hate me or see me as a threat/enemy. She might be 90lbs but holy fuck. In the last two weeks I've felt like I've bonded a lot more again with her other guy friend. And I'll be working Friday's come January again which is half the staff there and it should be good times, Ana is there along with just about cool people only unlike Mon-Thur. So if anything things should be better when that rolls around... it'll just be a bumpy ride until then I guess. I'm just at a loss of what to do and when we see each other directly for hours a day, it makes this so damn hard. I thought she clearly wanted space and was going to give that too her, then it's like she wants to kill me lol. I can't ignore but also don't want to make her uncomfortable. I also try to keep to myself in times like this... but at this point I know when I'm extremely frustrated or anxious, talking and interacting more with people around me cools me down a lot... then that probably frustrates her seeing me talking to the "evil" people. How da fuck do I win? She is extremely big on like... ranks, lists, etc, in her head and just how she thinks I guess. I'm not a big fan of that, but yeah. I can't help but think that whole Sarah party incident thing was really selfish of her to explode over it, it's not exactly fair to Sarah herself if others like our boss and whatnot want to do something for her too. I didn't get to say goodbye and texted her again (I need to stop), but this time just saying hope she has a good one and to let me know if she thinks of anything for Sarah (pretty sure Sarah likes us two more than the rest). On that note I was kind of an asshole and snarky about something I said back to Ana yesterday, we were talking about Sarah and Ana knew that Sarah doesn't plan on returning after fraternity leave. She (selfishly on her end I'd say!) looked at me a little dumbfounded and said "Sarah told you that?" like it was crazy or something haha.... but clearly Sarah and I have always been amazing friends and I've never sensed any jealousy in Ana over my friendship with Sarah. But I'm guessing because of all the tension later that was her response and my follow up was probably worse, I just said "Yeah, Sarah tells me everything" like I had to slap her in the face, then she was speechless or thought it was bologna in her head haha. Maybe she's on her high horse again thinking Sarah likes her the most by far, maybe I'm just as arrogant as Ana and think I'm Sarah's favorite, haha who knows. Sarah leaving could be a big wrench thrown in here though, for better or worse... but maybe her leaving will help the friendship Ana and I have repair even more. I don't know. I did piece this one together a month or two back though, but there was this one chick at work that I was really good friends with and was okay with Ana (and vice versa). This other girl I never had intimate feelings for or anything, but she was the drama queen and took up a TON of my attention/time and from everyone else too. So for better or worse (hard to say this point), it's easy for me to look back and notice that when she quit several months back... it was like bam, the door to Ana is open now. And whether Ana can admit it or not I'm sure she thought the same, both of us not initially, but that's when we got closer and spent more time with each other and my heart had an accident. I think Ana has this weird "circle of friends" logic in her head, like back on her never being jealous about me and Sarah talking a lot, or things like that. I guess if you enter Ana's holy domain of trust, she's cool with whatever those people might do. Otherwise... ... Getting back to what I said way above about her hating this good guy friend of mine, really puts me in such a terrible position. I completely trust him and he's more on the Earth level than her in a lot of ways, but yeah. Luckily I think he doesn't care what I'm doing with her or that I don't get any tension from it... I don't know, but it's just so obvious she doesn't like him and a huge part of that is probably because him and I have become really good friends. She just straight up doesn't like that I'm sure. But again she doesn't really have any right to dictate my own friendships and feelings. So what makes this frustrating is that I always like to be on everyone's good side, I don't like to play games, but right now I'm on thin ice and for whatever reason I really crave her approval which she has clearly shown off and on a few times in these last two hectic weeks or whatever, but yeah. I don't know if that's me being lonely or what, I just can't lie when I say I do like when I get attention from people I care for and always like reassurance, acknowledgement, etc. At the same time, there's no way in hell I'm going to shut him out in any way whatsoever though. Despite just knowing or fearing that she hates it... is it just him or is she getting upset with me about it too? I think too much! Just more work I have to do on myself. Not give a shit about what others think. I can handle it when it comes to people I don't care about, but when I'm trying to keep a friendship and get some approval between people who don't like each other a damn bit... it's killer. I can tell the Sarah thing next week might get intense, I hope not though. But I've already said my dues for the most part, gave her a gift, etc, so I don't know... if I notice Ana has to be in control for whatever reason I might just back off and let her have it this one time. It's just kind of stupid to worry about my friendship with someone over someone else that's leaving, but as always Ana has me by the balls even at the friendship level. I guess... I don't have weird scales or rating systems in my head about it, but trust and loyalty are a huge deal to me too. I can't even explain it. But at least pieces of me are getting over her, bit by bit... The adventures of a day in a warehouse pharmacy, to be continued... Working on the distractions though and totally did a stalker thing messaging some chick on FB I've seen at the Walmart pharmacy a lot the last few months. Her name tag really stood out! And my sister knew her in passing! I made a bad pharmacy tech joke and she apparently loves heavy metal too. So... it felt hilarious sending her a random potentially creepy message, but who knows? haha. I just wonder if I could talk about these kind of things with Ana. Definitely give this stuff time after my confession? lol. In the past she has suggested she'd be really happy for me if I had someone or things like that and for awhile there before I confessed I was joking about her hooking me up with Asians or something haha. But she's a woman, she's different, culture craziness, and yeah... What I think kills me is that I really want her to be a very close friend but she has these barriers, some understandable and I wrongly tried to get past a few with disrespecting her marriage and stuff, but other stuff with her is just weird as hell. Sarah and I are the kind of friends that, I could take her out for lunch or something and we'd be totally cool with it. There is no way in hell I could do that outside of work with Ana in any situation, but maybe a lot of beliefs I'm thinking about here are just my own tensions or something. It's probably arrogant and goofy as hell but I just wish I could get this approval from Ana and that she'd see me as this brotherly bodyguard kind of guy. lmao, I dunno. I need a girlfriend. EDIT x5: But here's another thing that makes me feel at ease getting over her (this one was a good chunk). After talking to my roommate about it all he was basically like person #10 that said the exact same stuff. "She's a mystery". Us work friends to her, know a lot about her, but do we know her? Do I even truly know her? That's almost scary to think about in so many ways. No way in hell does anybody need to spill out their life story casually at work, school, or whatever, but yeah. It's just weirdly different with her. But I've learned from others over the years that I can read people at dangerous levels and so I just really felt like all I saw was a very genuine cool lady. But yeah, I need a girlfriend! (Last edited by Xeo on 11-14-13 09:49 PM) |
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Rogue If you're reading this... You are the Resistance Since: 08-17-04 Since last post: 645 days Last activity: 454 days |
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| Well, at the very least I'm glad the healing process has begun.
When it comes to the finding a girlfriend aspect, have you ever thought about moving out of there? Maybe to Kansas City? |
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 99 days Last activity: 88 days |
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| Maybe not right now but I guess I'm thinking about it in the future if nothing happens. Maybe try to get my associates and stuff under my belt, then get out of here for a bit. So now that I'm looking around on online sites I'm not really restricting it to just Kansas and such, at the same time I don't want a long distance relationship at all.
So I guess... I'm halfway there thinking about it. I still think an Asian would be ideal for me haha, but who knows. It seems like they're mostly in the bigger cities. I don't know if I'd care for KC at all though, but it does have some nice spots. |
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Xeoman Ball and Chain Trooper Administrator Since: 08-14-04 From: 255 Since last post: 99 days Last activity: 88 days |
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| Definitely turned a 180 this week. No rudeness in sight and yeah, I think we're over the awkward hump. We're back to happily approaching each other about stuff or work related help, etc, laughing, good times, phew.
Then she completely blew up on this one lady at work (who was asking for it) right in the middle of a staff meeting we were having and whoa. Cue work drama haha, but yeah she's got a major feud going with this annoying new woman at work so I'm guessing maybe that's why she's seemed really stressed lately and I probably didn't help... but yeah, guess we'll be alright! (Last edited by Xeo on 11-20-13 09:47 PM) |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 111 days Last activity: 111 days |
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| Well I am glad to hear the awkwardness is passing... but I am kinda with Rogue on the idea of getting out of there.
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