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| Xeogaming Forums - Story Realm - Within the Life Zone |
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Makura        Since: 01-22-05 From: The restaurant at the end of the universe.... Since last post: 5886 days Last activity: 5151 days |
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| EDIT: Story Deleted (Last edited by Makura on 07-12-08 11:54 PM) |
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Déesse Sailor Déesse Mistress of Pink Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy  Since: 08-14-04 From: The Moon Since last post: 6564 days Last activity: 6296 days |
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wow, that's is really going well, I would love to see more, it is sounding like a nice little story. You put so much detail into it, it was like actually reading a novel  |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable  Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 99 days Last activity: 99 days |
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| Very nice Makura... I think I spotted a few typos though. "unconscious" instead of "unconsciousness" and "pang" instead of "pain"... not sure on the second one though. But yeah, I must admit that I am greatly intrigued.
Oh, and how do you pronouce his name? |
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Makura Since: 01-22-05 From: The restaurant at the end of the universe.... Since last post: 5886 days Last activity: 5151 days |
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| Thank you both.
It is actually going to be a novel. I just have to keep working on it. I thought unconsciousness looked a little funny. Now that I have a second opinion on it I will change it. And it is suppossed to be pang not pain. As soon as I finish the next couple of pages I will post more. Edit: His name is pronounced Seg as in Sega Nintendo. (Last edited by Makura on 03-13-05 08:19 PM) |
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Spartan Metal battleaxe Is back. Kind of. Since: 11-15-04 Since last post: 88 days Last activity: 77 days |
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| Oops sorry makura i forgot to post...
I read this earler and thought this was pretty interesting...Very interesting... I would really like to read more. |
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Makura Since: 01-22-05 From: The restaurant at the end of the universe.... Since last post: 5886 days Last activity: 5151 days |
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| EDIT: Story Deleted (Last edited by Makura on 07-12-08 11:54 PM) |
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Spartan Metal battleaxe Is back. Kind of. Since: 11-15-04 Since last post: 88 days Last activity: 77 days |
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| Hmmm...what to make of that....
Pretty interesting... |
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Pockets Werewolf pockets Since: 10-20-04 Since last post: 5090 days Last activity: 4607 days |
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| YAY *bounces around like a fool* You're working on the book. *continues bouncing*
Anywho, good stuff like I said before, right more, and I'm here to talk if you hit a snag maybe I can help. *hugs* |
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Makura Since: 01-22-05 From: The restaurant at the end of the universe.... Since last post: 5886 days Last activity: 5151 days |
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| EDIT: Story Deleted (Last edited by Makura on 07-12-08 11:54 PM) |
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Pockets Werewolf pockets Since: 10-20-04 Since last post: 5090 days Last activity: 4607 days |
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| Interesting sis. I noticed a couple little things you might want to look at. With quotation marks there are a couple rules to take into account.
This sentence: “Hello, dear. I’m sorry about your loss. I know that there are no comforting words.” He spoke with regret. THat should be three sentences, not four. Take a look at this and take these suggestions into consideration. "Hello, dear. I'm sorry about your loss. I know that there are no comforting words," he spoke with regret. He spoke with regret is still a part of the sentence so you have to use a comma before the quotation mark not a period. You could also change up the wording a little like so. "Hello, dear. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I understand that there are no comforting words that I can give you," he said regretfully. That's just my interpretation. I've got a different style of writing than you do but hopefully I got across my point on playing with the structure of a sentence and the order of words to create different atmosphere with the words. (Last edited by Pockets on 03-18-05 07:52 PM) |
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Makura Since: 01-22-05 From: The restaurant at the end of the universe.... Since last post: 5886 days Last activity: 5151 days |
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| EDIT: Story Deleted (Last edited by Makura on 07-12-08 11:54 PM) |
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