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| Xeogaming Forums - Sunset Waterfall - Yay! A suicide thread! |
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Evo Red Super Koopa Watching you fall brings joy to my heart....          Since: 08-16-04 From: Oregon Since last post: 6110 days Last activity: 6051 days |
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| My life seems to be in turmoil lately, and I don't think I can deal with it anymore. So, the breakdown (skip to "summary" if you don't have time to read everything):
Physical I'm pregnant. Every day, I'm in constant physical pain. I'm lucky enough to have a guy who will massage me, but the pain doesn't stop after a few minutes massage. My feet, my legs, my back, even my stomach when my baby moves, it feels like he's crushing some internal organ, and it's been hurting more and more to feel him move. I've been sick for years, an illness that the doctors can't diagnose. My throat is constantly sore, clogged with a thick mucus that makes it difficult to breath and do the activities I normally love (soccer, DDR, running, swimming anything). On top of that, throwing up has been comin g back, mainly because of stress rather because of morning sickness. My tits are fucking gigantic, my stomach is bigger than ever, and I hate how my face looks. Mental I have a serious lack of motivation. It keeps me from doing anything. Cleaning, cooking, doing homework, talking to friends, the list goes on. Not to mention the constant depression I've been battling since my spirit was literally crushed by my abusive, rapist ex boyfriend who thankfully now lives in Arkansas. I'll leave it at this for now. Work My vision becomes blurry when I'm at work. I stand all day as a cashier. After it becomes blurry, I start to black out. If I do, I fall and I hit my head, then I need to go to the ER and have 2 litres of fluid pumped into me through an IV - never fun. Because of my dizzy spells, I've left work early at least three times since I've started working there, which was about a month an a half ago. As if that wasn't bad enough, I have number dislexia and misread the schedule they have posted. I read "15" as "45," so I am constantly half an hour late to work because I'm too fucking dumb to tell the difference between a 1 and a 4. The store manager has made it clear that I'm not likely to have a job after Christmas Eve. School I dropped out of HS to persue my GED and go into college, which I failed miserably. Out of 6 to 8 classes I've taken, I've only passed 2 of them because I have this lack of motivation. Fucking lovely. Money Even with the baby on the way, I can't seem to stop spending my money on useless shit. I see something, I get it. If it's a $4 block of cheese that will last me two days, fine. I'll have it. I'm also really generous when it comes to my niece and nephew and tend to overdo myself come Christmas (guess what? Now!) I have a $240 monthly payment to the bank for a $10,000 loan which was used to purchase two arcade machines as well, so yay. And on top of that, I've found that my insurance won't be covering all of my medical bills, so I get stuck with a fatty bill when my baby's born. It'd be cheaper to just shoot myself in the fucking head. House My house is a fucking pigsty. I have no motivation to clean it, however, I will sit there and glare at the floor for hours wishing it will clean itself. My bedroom is covered, COVERED in clothing that doesn't even fit my fat ass anymore, and the living room is laden with dirty dishes containing some substance that looks nothing like what it previously was two weeks ago. Motherhood I'm going to be a horrible mother. I hate cleaning. I hate shit. I hate throw up. I hate it when my cats MEOW, how the hell am I going to deal with a child? I hate children. I hate how dirty they get their fucking hands and how they get sick so easily. I hate that I killed my first child in an abortion because I'm a stupid fucking slut that couldn't think for herself and let her mother persuade her into it. Now I'm pregnant again and I have this child growing inside of me that I hate. But at the same time, I love him to death. I want to hold him and let him know that it'll be ok... that his mommy loves him more than anything right now, and so does his daddy.............. Friends Who would have fucking guessed it? I have no friends. I have TWO real friends, and guess what? They're online. Elara and Katie are the only people (besides RYan, my fiance) that have been there for me and always helped me when I needed someone. And even they are disappearing. Even if they weren't, I can't talk to them when I need to. They have their own lives and live miles upon miles away from here. Kaijin has stopped talking to me and hardly ever says anything when I make an attempt to talk, and even though he now has his own car, refuses to take his lazy ass to meet me anywhere. It's always been me visiting him way out on the other side of town for years. Then his mom's a psycho woman that tries to give me all of her prized possessions. Another board member is there for me when I need him, but won't STOP FUCKING TLAKING ABOUT HIS FUCKING STUPID BITCH ONLINE GIRLFRIEND THAT HE'S NEVER MET AND ONLY KNOWN FOR LIKE 2 1/2 MONTHS AND OF COURSE HE'S ALREADY IN LOVE WITH HER. Dumb fucks. their stupidity makes me want to break something. And I feel stupid for encouraging him to give it a try at the beginning when he was REALLY hesitant about dating her. And even though he says he's in love with her, when asked, he said he might break up with her if he found a girl down here willing to fuck him/go out with him. Oh yeah... that's love, honey. I fucked up the best friendship I ever had with a female over a GUY. It seemed like it was going to come back together with Kira and I, but it's not. It's going nowhere. My best friend since kindergarten had a child and moved away with some 40 year old freak. My other best friend is a pot-smoking, self-centered slut who apologized when I told her I was pregnant. Animals My two cats are becoming more and more annoying. My fiance hardly cleans their litter boxes, and I can't because I'm not supposed to breathe in the fumes. Then he always ends up using the last of their food and not buying any OR telling me that we're out so I can buy some. Then one wants to have nothing to do with me, while the other is a hyped-up attention whore who likes to jump on my stomach (my child) and claw me. Love The only thing that's been keeping me holding on is my fiance who spoils me. However, his sense of life and responsibility is basically nonexistant. We have a baby on the way!!! He doesn't take care of our cats when he knows I CAN'T (by doctor's orders) until I'm through with my pregnancy. He has a car that's barely running that someone offered him $500 for (when he normally couldn't get $200). He has a car he can drive, but he still holds onto this junk car when he knows we need the money. The last thing I want to make him do is sell his car, but come on! I know it's his baby, but with medical bills rising... Even though I never do anything around the house, he only does when I practically beg him to. I love this guy to death, but I don't think even my love for him and his love for me can keep me holding on any longer. Summary I know I will be a horrible mother. I don't want to bring another child into the world, especially if I can't take care of it. Ryan's always wanted to be a daddy, but I'm fucking through being pregnant. I'm sick of being sick, I'm tired of being in pain, This "disease" is keeping me from having a steady job that I really do enjoy, and soiling my work references. My past two jobs, I have called in sick and left sick because of this baby and I hate it. I'm normally a very punctual person, but by the time I'm ready to go back to work after the baby's born, no one will want to hire me because of my attendance record. I hate life. I really do. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate who I am. I hate my apartment. I hate my animals. I hate my fiance, even though I love him. I hate what I've made of myself. and I hate the fact that I let my abusive ex still haunt who I am today. I'm through with it all. I've always, ALWAYS been against suicide. I know it's selfish. But it's selfish to stay here. It's selfish to keep my shitty ass in a world full of people and bring a child to this already overcrowded world. It's time to move on. Time to disappear from here. I love you, Ryan Dale Pina. I wanted to be your wife more than anything, but I can't take the pain anymore. I can't take being who I am. I love you all. Even those who I really hate. Sorry Zabuza, you just push my buttons. I don't hate you, but I wish you wouldn't be so blunty rude to me. ANd I understand that's who you are, but I really can't take this anymore. I can't take your fucking rudeness and my fucking life. (Last edited by Evo on 11-25-05 05:05 AM) |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable  Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 101 days Last activity: 101 days |
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| Jenna...
... *huggles* I know that it is hard, and that it is frustrating. But that is no reason to say that you are going to kill yourself. You're just stressed out because of all of this, because of that you are not eating right (which we have discussed before) and that is why you are having dizzy spells. You need to talk to Ryan, tell him that he needs to help you with this. If you try hard enough you two can make it. You love your baby, I know you do... and I know that when you calm down from this panic attack thing that fueled this post that you will most likely feel horrible for half of what you have said here. Don't take the cowards way out, you are much stronger than that! ... and if you ever call yourself a slut again I will send the snake after you. There is so much more that I want to say, but I don't know how. You know how to get ahold of me, feel free to. Please. |
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Sephirothstrife Poster Since: 11-25-05 Since last post: 6938 days Last activity: 6935 days |
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| There is a reason not to kill yourself... you're alive aren't you? Think of all the damage you might do to people who care about you, nothing is so bad you need to die over it. And you would simply be murdering an unborn child, I doubt hid daddy would like that much... you kids and your ideas.
let me tell you something evo. I never knew my father, and my mother died of breast cancer a year ago, we had no pets, and I have no siblings. I have an aunt that makes me wait on her hand and foot or she'll throw me out, and I can't get a job to savr my life, because I've been in too much trouble. I've never had a real girlfrien and I don't know what love feels like... think of what you have to live for |
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Kaijin Surohm Living the dream  Since: 08-16-04 Since last post: 1678 days Last activity: 865 days |
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| Right now, I don't have the words to say exactly what I wish to say, but I'll speak up on the specific issue about me.
Its not that I'm ignoring you, girl, its that I talk to you as much as I talk to anyone else. Ask anyone who IMs me, I Just Don't Talk. I've never had it in me to talk. You should know this from Freshman Year, and the countless phonecalls we've had. Yes, I have my own car. But theres multiple factors that keeps me pinned down. 1) Whenever I have freetime, I just wanna sleep to have enough energy to work again, along with school school. I currently have Two Jobs ontop of that x-x 2) I don't know your work schedule. Everytime you've IM me (Which, btw, you need to be on more) you've JUST got off work, at like MIDNIGHT. My curfew is Midnight on weekends, and Ten on schoolnights. You want to see me, YOU need to tell me when you have a day off, so I can work around it! 3) I forgot where you lived >.> There, I freaking said it >.< I forgot where you lived x-x |
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The Accidental Protege Iggy Koopa I\"m your accidental protege... The gift, the blood, the thrownaway...\" Since: 03-08-05 From: Marching on the city of Southern Cross Since last post: 1167 days Last activity: 1167 days |
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| All this bullshit you've gone through for so long, all this pain and suffering you've endured... Remember one thing abiout this struggle: You are still here. That means that your endeavor is not worth nothing. Don't throw it all away. I can tell just by your words on this board that you are a kind, wonderful person, and that you still have a purpose, or a meaning in this life. Don't be a fool. We all love you here, and we don't want to see you hurt. But if words can't sway your thoughts, then I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't help, and that someone as unknown to you tried to change your strong, heartfelt views. But just know this: Even though I only met you on the board, I knew that you were a spectacular person, and I know that you shouldn't have to change yourself for anyone or anything. You may never read this, and for all I know, it may be too late, but still; please don't let go. The worst thing you can do is let go after fighting to hold on for so long. | |||
Stitch Roy Koopa Holy crap, it is the RoboCoonie!  Since: 08-20-04 From: California Since last post: 935 days Last activity: 935 days |
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| I'm sorry you hate my bluntness, but it's always presented with good intentions...despite its delivery. I was going to just pass on answering and leave you to your own devices, but I've noticed a trend.
You're more focused on taking care of yourself than focusing on both your health and that of the baby's. Standing all day as a cashier is not good for the baby. Your work should, rather is required (at least by California law), to accomodate you during your pregnancy. You also have to realize that this is what a pregnancy is going to entail. Motherhood won't be any less stressful, but it will be worth it when you're a grandmother 20+ years from now helping your kids go through this. It is time to realize that you won't be able to be as active as you'd like to be while carrying a child, but that doesn't mean this is time to become lazy either. It just sounds like you've entered the standard depression phase that many pregnant women go through before or after the birth. Maybe, because of the child, you won't be able to get your GED or go to college. But, when they enter schooling age, you can work on that. Hell, you can do most anything online now, imagine what you'll be able to accomplish in a few years. And, you're starting to turn into the female version of me. Now, who wants that? I'm sorry that you feel that I haven't been a friend, but I am the person that doesn't like to sugarcoat things. I'm there for everyone that needs it, by making you realize what the fuck is going on as quickly as possible. If you want sugarcoatings, find another person. I'm not that kind of man. Money will subside. The government has many programs available to new parents to help with food, clothing, education, housing, payment, spending money, etc. Why do you think Mexican families end up producing so many progeny? The Government monies, dear! With exception to my mother only having me, the rest of my family continues to have children because the government is there to help with that. I can't help you in love. You'll have to deal with that by talking to your fiance. I can't help you with whom you feel are your true friends. That's all you. But, you do have to realize that there are people out there trying to help you. Including me. I'm sorry that you don't like my approach, but I feel its more effective if I just give you the truth rather than this sweet, sensitive, catering-to-your-feelings truth. That's not good either. Suicide is just the coward's way out, and you know it. You are not going to be a horrible mother. As long as you don't abandon your child and love them unconditionally, you'll be fine. They are not a pet. They are made from their parents. They're not toys, they're not objects, they're your essence and being. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm here for you whenever you need it, because while I am here, it's not whenever. I, too, have my life, bills, worries, and issues. But, if you ever need a delayed ear, I'm often online (AIM, Yahoo!) or at least hanging around the board. Enough sugarcoat...it's time to grow up and be the mother you'd want to be for your child. It's time to assess your life and protect that child. It's time to realize that everything isn't going to be flowers and butterflies. Everything will get better with time...it always does. |
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Lord Vulkas Mormonus Vile High Xeodent of Xeomerica.  Since: 10-29-04 From: North Carolina, United States. World, Sol System, milky way Since last post: 96 days Last activity: 96 days |
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| Okay, I would highly reccomend that you don't even go so far as to mention suicide. That can be dangerous. I know that you are not religious, but you should know that according to many religions then when you commit suicide then you as a spirit are forced to watch everyone as they mourn over your death. That is punishment enough I think for suicide.
However, as you are not religious(or so I got the impression), then instead think about everyone else. Think of your fiance. He loves you, and if you suddenly die from suicide, then he will blame himself, and have many mental problems for a very long time. It would be worse for him if you died. Think of what happened with your father. Do you wnat your fiance to turn out to be like that because of what you do? Finally, it is not selfish to bring a child into this world. It is a gift to the world. You would more than likely make a good mother, assumeing you were able to deal with its begining hygiene. You would be fine I think. If the child comes into thw orld, it is a gift. It will condribute to the world if you do that. Also, in your point of view, then becoming gay is natural due to over population. If that child is too much, it will turn gay from your idea, though I personally have different views on the subject, but this is about you. So, you bringing in another child, caring for it. And bringing out an intelligent, caring, and good child is good for you to do. Suicide will kill both you, and it. Seriously, don't even bring up the idea of doing it. |
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Belial Bazu Since: 01-29-05 From: New Zealand Since last post: 4366 days Last activity: 3980 days |
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| Your illnesses sound like you have diabetes. You might want to get that checked out. As for all your mental issues right now.... it's just you're stressed.
Don't forget to breathe, Evo. *huggles* You'll be fine once you have the baby. |
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Stitch Roy Koopa Holy crap, it is the RoboCoonie! Since: 08-20-04 From: California Since last post: 935 days Last activity: 935 days |
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| Again, what the fuck possessed you to take out a loan to buy freakin arcade machines!? Grow the fuck up, or get an abortion...oh, wait, too late for that.
You need mental help. Talk to your fiance. Work things out. And stop spending like some rich bitch. You know you're not, don't ruin your credit on this crap. Be the fucking great mother you know you can be, and become that adult you want to be. |
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Savedox Berserker You put a bullet in my head, Till black turns to red! This could all end in tragedy!  Since: 08-20-04 From: Read \"Real Name\" Since last post: 4545 days Last activity: 1634 days |
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| Hate to be blunt but here it goes.
You told me already that I was getting anoying talking about her all the time, So I stopped.. the only time I would talk about her with you is when you asked about her. The other part about me dropping her if I found someone else was when I first met her.. Cause I didnt know how it was going to go with me and her. Im sorry your life sucks but so does mine.. You dont know how many times I wanted to put a gun to my head and blow it to mother fucking hell. But I lived through it. I now can see that im more mature from the experiences I have had. You say you dont have motivation.. then what the hell is you doing DDR, or ITG or any other game that you play.. .What do you call that.. I think that it's motivation. You didnt become one of the best in the rogue valley by sitting on your ass now did you. I dont know what else to tell you other than I hope you feel better. but after reading this you probobly wont.. But you know what if your pissed off about it I could care less I have my own problems to worry about. I just got home and found my mom crying because that mother fucker Steve lade another guilt trip on her to make her feel like shit cause she told him he couldnt move in. I called to see how you were doing but all I got was your Voice mail.. that's what I got the last time I called you to. But *shrugs* I guess that's what I get for trying to help. |
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darkninjacustoms Poster Since: 11-28-05 Since last post: 6935 days Last activity: 6935 days |
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Ohhhh Jenna, I need to take your out for coffee or something, you can vent to me in person. I know you're a smart girl and would never do anything like this for real. things are tough now, but just think how great your life is going to be when you can hold YOUR son in your arms. You can work the weight off after you have the baby, on your shiny new ITG machine. It really does sound like you may have diabetes, funny I didn't diagnose that before eh? And you will find a better job. You're good and reptitive desk work, and with the right employer you can make good money. Look into somehting like that.
You're gonna be fine, you know you can always give me a call and vent. |
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Makura Since: 01-22-05 From: The restaurant at the end of the universe.... Since last post: 5888 days Last activity: 5154 days |
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| Well, Evo. I'm not sure what I should say, or if I should even say anything. I just want to ask you one thing, did attacking Geoff and I's relationship make you feel any better? I hope it did because then at least something good came out of it.
I've done nothing but try to befriend you, and I still intend on being your friend. Ever think that it's you and not every one else? You're having your death moment, who hasn't? You'll get over it. I promise. |
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Bitmap #1 Enhancement Shaman US Ravenholdt  Since: 09-05-04 From: His Laughin' Place Since last post: 4558 days Last activity: 4552 days |
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| Edit- Sorry for the terriable grammer, hope you can bare with me, but I have major speaking issues...
After reading the entire section Exo posted and the advice everyone tries to offer to her, Ive been moved at what everyone posted. But Evo, you need to understand that alot of people care and believe in you. Sure it may not seem like that to you, but there are a couple of people in my school who still talk about you. When I heard you got pregnant, I was like, "Woah, you mean that one chick on MoD is pregnant?" and im not sure if you still talk to him, but Kid Buu gave me all the details. Ever since one of my friends committed suicide, I cannot stand to see anyone make a note out to their friends saying that they may commit suicide, especially a bright girl such as yourself. Being honest it brought tears to my eyes reading everything you put on there Evo, and I know it may seem strange saying im crying about a person I barely even know, but I cant STAND seeing someone commit suicide period...so I pray that what you have read after this message and what everyone else has posted would help change your decision. Here goes- Everyone was put on this world for a reason Evo, you were put on this world to accomplish something great and outstand that even words can not describe. And after knowing that you are about to give birth to (Chris I believe?) your baby, I feel that you were put on this earth to help raise you child into something great for this world. You are not a mistake Evo, I always thought that when I found out that alot of my organs in my physical appearence was not exactly 'Normal' and I was forever oblivious to multiple members of my family, But did you know what I did? I thanked God for it multiple times for him actually giving me the strength to press on in my daily life. I was born both male and female, I was left behind for one week at a bus station when I was very young because of a 'Certan Relitive', I was ignored by my grandmother on my mom's side because she wanted me to be a girl, I stutter even now, I was stabbed in the side by my father (Sorry friends that I never told you), I lost hearing in my right ear, and I was thrown out of a car going 40 next to a mall in front of everyone, but do you know what I do? I thank God for him putting me through those things to make me a STRONGER PERSON! I believe you were put on this world to raise your son to be a sucessful being that will benefit the world. I guarantee when you hold your beautiful son in your hands you will see your reflection as your son stares back at you saying "Thank you mommy for putting me here"...I dont think it would be fair if you leave this world to leave your son behind for corruptions and the sins this world has to offer and it just urks me that you want to commit suicide...I cant stand to hear ANYONE wanting that in this world...ever since that ive lost one of my friends over something like that. Evo you are a strong person, I can tell just by looking at most of your posts that ive been trailing behind you on Xeogaming, but you have to realize that your son is about to walk in this world, and I feel deep down inside when you reflect upon yourself about committing suicide that you picture your son in a mere future being corrupted... On the whole money issue, you will learn real quick on the life lessons between "Wants" and "Needs", I noticed on a previous post that you bought an arcade machine through a loan? No offence but that was very selfish; did you actually really need that? I'd say you need to take it back and start focusing on what you need to do on furthering the growth of you, your husband, and more importantly, you son. Your House- Your husband, boyfriend, whatever needs to help you clean the house as well as the whole mental, and baby issue Motherhood- I remember my mother telling me that she never thought she would have kids of her own and she thought as well that she would be a terriable mother. Well when your son enters this world, you will learn PRETTY QUICK on how to be a mother and learn to love it... Friends- You have friends who care about you on Xeogaming, sure they might not be around to hold you, but you have someone next to you who will be your best friend as well as someone who truely loves you... [rant] (And thats the problem with internet dating, I mean, would your so-called boyfriend/girlfriend be there when your crying when s/he is 3000 miles away from you? Grow the fuck up people and go out and meet someone else)[/rant] Animals- Dont like it? Get rid of them...if you cant handle them then why did you let them come in to your life? Sorry for being blunt, but its true! I just hope that I said something that may have inspired you not do commit suicide. And I know you may not be religious, but Evo...Jennifer I believe, I will pray for you, and if you need a person to talk to, I am just a PM away. I cant stand to see anyone commit suicide in front of me, let alone a girl such as yourself...please, talk to somebody! (Last edited by Sajin Gorotto on 11-29-05 03:21 PM) |
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Lord Vulkas Mormonus Vile High Xeodent of Xeomerica. Since: 10-29-04 From: North Carolina, United States. World, Sol System, milky way Since last post: 96 days Last activity: 96 days |
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| Has anyone else noticed that's been her last post? Does anyone know what happened to her, and if she actually chose to do it?
I think Kaijin's the only one who knows her in real life. So Kaijin, have you seen or heard from her? |
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Belial Bazu Since: 01-29-05 From: New Zealand Since last post: 4366 days Last activity: 3980 days |
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| No worries:
Last post 11-25-05 02:04 AM, in Yay! A suicide thread! (Sunset Waterfall) Last activity 11-28-05 02:15 AM |
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Savedox Berserker You put a bullet in my head, Till black turns to red! This could all end in tragedy! Since: 08-20-04 From: Read \"Real Name\" Since last post: 4545 days Last activity: 1634 days |
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| She's doing ok... I know her in real life also.. she made a comment about me in the post but yea.....
Like I said she's doing fine she's just a little depressed still that's all. Stuff about the baby you know the usual with mother's to be. |
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Evo Red Super Koopa Watching you fall brings joy to my heart.... Since: 08-16-04 From: Oregon Since last post: 6110 days Last activity: 6051 days |
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| Yes, I am still here. For those if you interested in an explaination, here is one I posted in my LJ
http://www.livejournal.com/users/jenneskimo_ball/99644.html I am really depressed, yes. I'm sure it will pass. Just so much pressure in my life right now, I want to cry just thinking about it. Those of you that think the arcade machine was a stupid purchase : I have over $120 in quarters it made in two weeks. THe MONTHLY payment is $240. $120 x 2 = $240. There's also been an increase in profits and plays as well. To everyone : If I had something to say, I sent you a PM. I just don't feel emotionally up to posting at this point in my life. I shall hopefully be back soon to swamp you all with mad posting once again. EDIT - Sajin, my real name is Jenna, but that's close enough, I guess. 
~Jen (Last edited by Evo on 12-01-05 03:05 AM) |
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