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| Xeogaming Forums - Sunset Waterfall - DSL's up; Aunt died. |
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Stitch Roy Koopa Holy crap, it is the RoboCoonie!          Since: 08-20-04 From: California Since last post: 935 days Last activity: 935 days |
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| I spent several hours this afternoon dismantling the network of phone cables (categorized as CAT-3) throughout my home just to liberate the DSL modem so that it could function. I also removed several devices that I didn't need. With the advent of the DSL comes the ability to surf the net while waiting for important calls from Mexico.
My aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer several years ago. She had undergone all kinds of cancer therapies over the years. The last time I saw her was eight years ago, when we flew out to Mexico for my grandmother's funeral. She died around 4:00 this afternoon. I received the phone call while wedged underneath my desk amongst a pile of phone and power cables. I had to break the news to my mom, whom was in the bathroom at the time. I was broken. The DSL was working, but I wasn't. I don't know. I really wanted to see her this time. A month ago, we got the phone call that her condition had gotten worse and that she might not make it to the new year. My cousins jokingly assured her that she wasn't allowed to die until after Christmas and after New Year's. She, at least, kept her promise. She was one of my favorite aunts. The nice one; the playful one; the one that ran an arcade and let me and my cousins play for free. She made churros for us, and often gave us back massages (she was the only one that knew best). And, now, she's gone. And, for lack of funding, I'm stuck here with no possibility of even attending the funeral. And, I'm at work, doing business as usual not trying to show my sadness. I want to cry, but I can't. And, I can't very well just save it up for another time. My mom cries everytime she mentions her death to other family members. My uncles were by her side when she passed; they had flown out on Friday evening. My grandfather was there as well. We're here. I knew the day was coming, but why did I have to take the call? I don't wanna seem heartless around my mom, but I just take the death a bit differently than she does. Yes, I loved my aunt very dearly, but I have duties and responsibilities during the day. I can't spend my days sobbing under my desk (I'm still cleaning and rearranging). Instead, I get to bottle it up. I guess that's why Disney movies lately (all of them) cause me to tear up. I can't even see a Disney-affiliated anything because of that. Oh, well, it begins. My mom just returned from Mexico. There's no money to go back. *sigh* |
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WhiteRose Warrior Sailor Delerium Have you ever spent days and days and days making up flavors of ice cream that no ones ever eaten before? Like chicken and telephone ice cream?...Green mouse ice cream was the worst.  Since: 08-17-04 From: The Dreaming Since last post: 4453 days Last activity: 5157 days |
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| I'm very sorry to hear about your aunt. I know it's tough. I have an aunt who recovered from breast cancer and it was thought for her family while she endured all the procedures. Also, I've had family in Mexico who have passed and I was not able to attend their funerals, only having a faint memory of them from when I was a little girl. If you ever need someone to talk to you know my number and you know where I live. Again, I'm very sorry and I offer my deepest condolences. | |||
Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable  Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 101 days Last activity: 101 days |
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| Oh gods, I'm so sorry to hear that! It sucks that you can't even be there for the funeral... that would kill me. It's bad to keep it all inside though, so perhaps you should watch a Disney movie or two and let some of it out. | |||
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Stitch Roy Koopa Holy crap, it is the RoboCoonie! Since: 08-20-04 From: California Since last post: 935 days Last activity: 935 days |
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| I have no soul.
I have no identity. Are these feelings even my own? Are these memories mine? I'm an empty shell waiting to be filled, waiting to be assigned, waiting to be "loved". Do I even understand what these feelings are? They are so alien to me, I don't think I can even begin to interpret them. Why am I so shattered? Where have I gone wrong? A world created in the void, set twenty-five years into the future, there sits the being that I want to become, sitting at a dining table across from his love. Their personal chef walks in and places a steaming dish of something in front of the other man, but the man slowly disappears as the plate is set down. The chef, slightly stunned, shrugs his shoulders, picks up the plate and returns to the kitchen. Somewhere across the city, my fifteen year old son stands in a park staring at his ID card. Slowly, both the memory of and the letters composing his hyphenated name start to dissolve. He is no longer the progeny of two, but now the progeny of me. He goes about his business, no longer having initials of SKAM, but initials of SKA. The house falls silent, and I sit, staring at the mound of food and at the empty chair across the table. The pictures around the house start morphing, slowly erasing any traces of him. He has ceased to exist as a possibility in that world, and everything referring to him is coming to a demise. I start to eat. Are these my hands? Is this really my house? My car? My job? My life? Or, has it all been fabricated in an immense laboratory somewhere for the amusement of some rich man? Is this karmic retribution for all those hacking things I did? The people that I was rude to? Anything against the norm that I have done? Am I destined not to be happy? Is that it? Is that the devine plan? IS IT!? The dark side is starting to look quite good now. Maybe I've been a gray too long. Maybe it's time to go back. Maybe... Ian declared that my pursuit of him is a waste of time. Being me is too much of a turn-off for him. My aunt passed away yesterday afternoon. Our rent has been raised. The family doesn't trust each other. Jack needs an oil change. I've not lost the will to live. No, they can never have that. I just feel that possibly becoming an emotionless being and never opening my heart up to anyone is the path to go. Now, excuse me while I cower beneath me desk and cry. |
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Bitmap #1 Enhancement Shaman US Ravenholdt  Since: 09-05-04 From: His Laughin' Place Since last post: 4558 days Last activity: 4552 days |
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| You learn real quick who you care for in life untill they are really gone from this world, multiple family members, friends, and even a lost sister of mine are now torn away from this world...I missed them all more and more everyday the more I think about it...
The only thing I can tell you zabuza is that you need to cherish those memories of your aunt, learn from your mistakes, and move on as a stronger adult in life. Remember "What dosent kill you only makes you stronger" You are in my prayers |
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Belial Bazu Since: 01-29-05 From: New Zealand Since last post: 4366 days Last activity: 3980 days |
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| I'm sorry to hear all this bad news. I lost my father to cancer when I was 16, watched him go through every single step of the disease until he died, almost 6 months after he was diagnosed. I miss him ssoo much. I'll wake up crying, after a dream of him, or even cry myself to sleep because I miss him and love him so much. All you can do is cherish every moment you have spent together with your aunt, realize what you have still, and carry on. Cry, if you need to, ignore everyone who doesn't agree. | |||
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Rauni Since: 08-14-04 Since last post: 1547 days Last activity: 1547 days |
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| Zabuza, it is alright to feel bad everytime something went wrong. I mean, I am pretty sure that your aunt, regardless where she goes (hopefully in heaven), she will always smile down on you because of seeing YOU to be happy make her happy.
If you get sad of her, I am pretty sure that she may be sad as well because of you being sad. It is like how I see of my grandparent (except my dad's mom since I never get to know what she was like... She died after the two of my mother's grandparent dies. It is kinda sad through but I do want to know what she would be like.) But the point is that life is always that a bitch to us. We may not have any souls but we can always creates one for each other. Identify may not well-known for us, but it is up to us to place our trust in whoever we believes in. Heck, probably your aunt doesn't compare to my aunt but I am pretty sure that she want you feel that no matter what happened to her, that you would always be loved by her. Zabuza, like me, I always hated people. I still do. I always feel hatred when I even see one. But out of many races I hate the most, there are so much memories I just didn't reliezes that those people actually made me feel more comfortable. Heck, Mr. Bias (even through I have him for 1/2 years of school) was one of those teacher who would let you watch more movies then homework. My Calculus teacher is one of those motivation teacher, where she is always there to help you regardless in every given situation. In another word, sure we may not mean much to you, but do your aunt think that she want you to be isolated? I highly doubt it, because like my teacher, Mr. Bias, he always the one to look at other people and support them, even tried them to make new friend. Heck, it even work on me! So, try and do something for your aunt in exchange. I know she may be sad now, but she want you to be happy. This even remind me when I lost my dog, Bear, when I was 6... Sniff, I loved that dog... He got ran over by a truck next to the Hair Cut shop... Sniff. He was like my best friend. |
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Stitch Roy Koopa Holy crap, it is the RoboCoonie! Since: 08-20-04 From: California Since last post: 935 days Last activity: 935 days |
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| Um...thanx.
The point is, reading your post makes my brain hurt. I'd rather stare at MC Escher all day than that. I don't know if that helped, or just made you seem weirder in my eyes. I hate only one race...humans. The moment has passed. That was Tuesday. Today is Friday. |
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Rauni Since: 08-14-04 Since last post: 1547 days Last activity: 1547 days |
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Originally posted by Zabuza It doesn't matter if it helped or not, the point is, you know how much suckiness I have with my grammar. And note: It helps either way, and you STILL think I am weird... in your view. Originally posted by Zabuza Then why did you read it? =P |
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Stitch Roy Koopa Holy crap, it is the RoboCoonie! Since: 08-20-04 From: California Since last post: 935 days Last activity: 935 days |
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| Because I wouldn't have found out that my brain hurt if I hadn't had read through it in the first place. It prompted a staring of MC Escher etchings, drawings, and painting.
And, no, I don't find you weird. Annoyingly strange, yes. Weird, no. This has gone off topic...you can close if you'd like, admins and mods. (Last edited by Zabuza on 01-21-06 02:08 AM) |
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Rogue If you're reading this... You are the Resistance Since: 08-17-04 Since last post: 635 days Last activity: 444 days |
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| Per the request of the thread's creator, this thread is cuh-losed.
*does the thingy* |
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