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Lord Vulkas Mormonus Vile High Xeodent of Xeomerica.          Since: 10-29-04 From: North Carolina, United States. World, Sol System, milky way Since last post: 96 days Last activity: 96 days |
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| A few of you know that I am currently working on a book. I so far have nearly two hundred pages done, and as a result, I thought I'd post the first chapter of the book, in order to gain your opinions. I can post up to the first fourty pages of it, depending on the amount of feedback I get, so here it is:
Several hunters continued walking toward a shelter in a barren wasteland. It was raining, and the ur-wolves came out in the rain. The ur-wolves, like many creatures, had only started appearing five years ago. Many religious cults believed these creatures were sent for the wickedness of man. Naturally they sucked up many needed resources and money building their temples. Those of the scientific branch however, believed that it was evolution. The ur-wolves came from normal wolves, and evolved stronger skin because of the continuous amount of arrows that were used against them. No one knew how they managed to evolve this skin so quickly. Privately, many people believed that it was related to dragons. A dragon destroyed a town many years ago, and must have destroyed something important, like a religious relic that kept out the animals. The shelter that the hunters were attempting to go to was a large cave, one which several scouts had located earlier as the best place to get away from the rain. Their leader, Halftan, had chosen this where they should stay until the rain stops. They all entered the cave silently, considering themselves fortunate that their food and supplies were kept dry. Outside however, it was still wet, and the rain entered the floor of the cave, as the cave was on a downward slope. “Everyone stay in the front of the cave.” Halftan said. Halftan was a smaller man, slightly less than two meters high, and though he was extremely strong, none of his muscles were large, giving him what appeared to be a wiry frame, and on his belt, Halftan carried a long katana. The group of hunters all nodded their heads, or mumbled consent. It was well known information that evil creatures lived in these caves, and how easy it was to get lost. “We’ll send back a small group to scout the caves.” Halftan said, for the front area of the cave was small, and it would be good if they could scout out larger areas. “Hathra, pick two people and begin searching.” Hathra was Halftan’s brother, there was no doubt he could be trusted to do his best. Hathra was larger than his brother, with more bulging muscles, and just over two meters tall. He quickly grabbed some rope, and had one of his two men grab it, then tied it to himself. This allowed him not to lose himself in the cave. The same was done to the second man, with the third holding the ropes, and uncoiling them as Hathra moved forward. Halftan watched as his younger brother did all this, something that was required in case a mistake was made. The sound of footsteps echoed through the cave, and for several minutes Hathra and the other man disappeared. Silence soon toke over the echoing sound of their footsteps as the cave walls closed in, cutting off all sound, and the light of the torch they carried with them. Suddenly a shout was heard, and the sound of heavy footsteps and screaming. Halftan stood motionless, his brother knew how to fight, and Halftan coming would more than likely increase the chances of whatever creature attacked either of these men finding the camp. The sounds came closer to the camp. The fool! Running towards the camp would endanger everyone. “Draw your weapons.” Halftan shouted, “Hathra is coming back, and bringing some company with him.” The sounds became louder, and Halftan could only hear one pair of footsteps. Two people were sent out, but only one was coming back. Halftan could easily understand the danger that meant. For if it was strong enough to kill Hathra, then it was very dangerous, or if it was large enough to send Hathra running, it was to be even more feared. “Run back!” a voice cried from the tunnels, allowing Halftan to identify it as Hathra, who came crashing through, only to be grabbed by Halftan as he ran. “You cowardly fool!” Halftan shouted, You put us all in danger here by leading it to us, now where is the other?” “He was killed by giant spiders.” said Hathra, “but that’s not the worst of it, farther inside…there’s a demon!” “A demon?” That was indeed a bad sign, for demons often either killed all they saw, or they slowly turned what was ordinarily a good man into evil. Either was, it was best to avoid them in any way possible, for even an ordinary death would be preferable to what happened if you met a demon. They were known to skin their victims while keeping them alive, or send them through even worse tortures. “Retreat then, leave the cave.” Halftan said, “And as for you Hathra, you’ll see yourself punished for leading it here. If anyone dies, it is you that will take responsibility.” Fortunately, no one had started anything more major in this cave than starting a fire, meaning that leaving on their horses, or simply running would be simple. Even so, the frantic mess of activity as they all left was chaotic, and Halftan had to fight to get into the front of the group, where he would lead. He moved forward quickly, nearly at a run, but careful to keep below it. For, the ur-wolves were intelligent enough to set up ambushes, and would more than likely set up a trap, if they identified them. Halftan kept his eyes open, until suddenly he saw a small tail flip out of view. He held up his hand, signaling everyone to stop, him doing the same, his sword still drawn from before. “Get off your horses.” he shouted. “We have been led into an ambush by ur-wolves! Form a ring, Hathra, you’ll be on the out edge. This is your doing, and you will pay the price for your foolishness. No one is to be in the middle except for the veteran members.” Halftan stood between his brother and another man, watching for any ur-wolves, his sword held high. They struck in a blur, nearly twenty appearing in an instant. Halftan moved his blade down to slash at one in the midsection as it came running, only to be disappointed as it knocked his sword out of the way with its paw. A yell of pain was uttered, and Halftan thought the worst, only to have himself knocked to the ground by another ur-wolf behind him. There was more screaming, and Halftan tried to push himself up, only to receive a panicked kick to the head by someone near him, and he lost consciousness… The demon that was seen in the cave had quickly chased after the group. When it was first seen, it was laying down, eyes closed. Only when its glowing red eyes opened was there a panic, and the two men near him ran away loudly, waking up creatures inside of the cave, one of them being eaten after having awakened a giant eight-legged creature. It had chased after them silently, until they got themselves ambushed by more giant creatures. These creatures were at least a meter high, and two meters in length. Their fur was a dark gray, and their mouths dripping with drool. However, it was their eyes that were worst. For their eyes were ordinarily a dark brown, but when they stared directly at an eye, it nearly glowed red, inspiring great fear. The demon had no idea why, but when the wolves attacked the humans, killing several, the demon rushed forward. It saw two of them attacking a man near the front, and the demon reacted immediately, slapping them away, and sending them flying a small distance away. Another one of them faced the demon, growling, but not moving to attack the demon. Suddenly two near the back rushed at him, biting at his shoulders. The demon quickly rolled forward, and the two on its back were crushed, and it was given the opportunity to kick the one in front in the jaw, breaking it instantly. There were still fifteen of them left, and they began to disregard the humans, who took the opportunity and began rushing away, except for the dead, and the one knocked unconscious. The demon backed up, hoping that these animals would follow him away from the one man still alive in the nearby area. They stood still for a moment, and moved forward in a pincer movement, surrounding him. The demon moved in a blur towards the right, grabbing onto one of these animals, and snapping its neck, then moving on to the other, who he grabbed and swung it at the next on, sending it flying, and then slamming it into a second, killing it instantly. By now, the others had time to react, all of them moving at him, biting everywhere, the demon being forced to grab on to one, punched it on its gut, another, slamming in its skull, yet another which received a strike to the stomach, and then two with the demon slamming himself against them. The remaining five whimpered, no longer looking so fearsome, and rushed off. The battle was over in a matter of mere minutes. Halftan opened up his eyes. He was laying inside of a tent, able to hear his father and brother speaking outside. He listened to them as they discussed what had happened. “Hathra,” his father said a patient but disappointed, “This rush because of you killed several of our group. Several of your friends. Now we can see that your demon is innocent, your demon was willing to bring back your brother when you abandoned him.” “I didn’t abandon him!” Hathra said angrily, “I thought he was behind us, I didn’t see that he had been knocked out-” “Knocked out by your foot I might add, kicking his head without paying attention to your footing.” “If he’s such a great warrior what was he doing on the ground in the first place?” Hathra replied defensively. “Everyone gets put onto the ground.” said his father, “Look at me when I’m talking to you!” Hathra had been looking at the ground. This had gone far enough. Halftan stood, and swept open his tent. “Father, I am fine.” he said, “No thanks to my brother I might add. Now, where is he who you claim saved my life?” His father pointed. “All of them men were hurt, but he volunteered to take the first watch.” Halftan looked up. When there had been the ambush, it was nearly dark, and it was raining. Now, the rain had ceased, and it had just started getting dark. “How long was I out?” he asked. “All night, and most of today.” His father answered, glancing at Hathra. “I am going to go speak to the demon.” said Halftan, “What is his name?” “He is not named, yet.” his father answered. “He has no name of his own?” “No,” his father answered, “But you should ask him questions, not me.” He looked over at the demon, and examined how he looked. This demon was wearing what appeared to be torn clothes, which was much too small for him. His white shirt almost looked like it had exploded outward. However, the clothing was not what stood out, for his skin was made of brown scales, covering his entire body. He was largely built, two and two thirds of a meter tall, and very wide. However, this width was not of fat, but of extraordinarily large muscles. There was no wonder this man alone could kill an entire pack or ur-wolves. “I’m going to speak to him.” The demon looked up, the man he had saved was coming to speak to him, with an angry look on his face, and with his father. The man’s father looked familiar, as if the demon should have remembered him from long ago, he did not know why. “Demon,” he said when he was close enough, “My name is Halftan, and I am the leader of this hunting group.” “Are you also here to interrogate me?” the demon asked in a deep voice, “I remember nothing of my past, nor what I am.” “What is the first thing you do remember?” asked Halftan, and the demon could see from his expression a sense of disbelief. “My awakening, from one of your cowards.” answered the demon, “Awakening several creatures, and then killing his partner by leading him to his death.” Halftan glanced towards Hathra angrily, and the demon noticed he was nearby, listening. “Yes,” Halftan said, “my brother is a coward, and a fool too. But that is not why I came over here to speak to you.” His brother looked very angry, and appeared as though he could barely restrain himself from speaking out. “Then why did you come?” “Opportunity.” Halftan said, “You could join our group, except that you are a threat.” “I save your life and I am considered a threat?” The demon’s words were angry, but his entire face and tone indicated that he was perfectly calm. “Allow me to rephrase myself,” Halftan said, “You are, according to all appearances, a demon. I cannot allow a demon to join us, for you will either corrupt, or kill us.” “So what will you do, kill me?” “No, you have earned more than that.” Halftan said, “We will allow you to escort us until we go to town, to sell the animals we have killed. We will then leave you there with some gold, and this will be all over.” Halftan’s father spoke, “What about a name?” Halftan answered, “Then give him one if you will.” “I give you the name…” his father though for a moment, “Jaques.” Halftan frowned, but was silent. “So be it,” Jaques said, “I will be called…Jaques.” (Last edited by Vulcanlogic on 10-09-06 10:24 AM) |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable  Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 101 days Last activity: 101 days |
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| Interesting... but where/when is all of this taking place? We do not know our setting. Other than that, just work on not using commas so much (new sentences in battle scenes are perfectly acceptable) and fix that end tag for the italics. Jaques? Different, I must say.
Also, why the metric system? I mean, it works... gives it a distinctly European feel. Just curious. |
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Lord Vulkas Mormonus Vile High Xeodent of Xeomerica. Since: 10-29-04 From: North Carolina, United States. World, Sol System, milky way Since last post: 96 days Last activity: 96 days |
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| I like the metric system better, more precise, easier to use, more common, ect. Also, it is somewhat assumed that this is a medival period, though the entire setting, the situation with the country, or even where the characters are is to be explained later.
Next chapter, one which I like better because of story, but needs some editing, especially with the dialog: A little child walked through a town. His dad had just sent him to go get some bread from the nice baker. His bread was good, except for when the flour wasn't ground up properly. As the little child walked through the street, he saw a gathering crowd following a man in armor, who was coming toward him. The child gasped in astonishment. This was the man who had found the recent king, after his father died. The knight blazed in brilliant green armor, made out of adamantium. Finally, the knight seemed to get frustrated, so he turned around, and muttered something. The entire crowd seemed to freeze, unable to move, or to speak. Everyone in that crowd was affected, and only the child was okay, as he was not in the crowd. "Knight, where did you get your armor?" the child asked, wonderingly. The knight looked at him, looking unhappy that someone was still bothering him. Resigned to his fate, he answered. "I got it in the capital of Agraethia, where I will return it once I am able to get away. Now please, can I go?" "When I grow up, I'm going to be a knight," the child answered, to the dismay of the knight, who turned around anyway, and left. Jaques awoke. That child seemed oddly familiar... who was it, and why was Jaques having such dreams of little children? He sighed in dismay, feeling annoyed. There was something about that child, and the knight...but Jaques could not place what it was. The troop of hunters had had bad luck the previous few days. They only got a small amount of meat to be sold, but their time was up, supplies were low, and it was time to head back home. At the moment, they were camping right at the edge of the city, within walking distance. Jaques would more than likely be sent away the next day. He looked up from where he was sitting. The hunters were able to find a tent that Jaques could use. It was one that had belonged to a person killed by the wolf attack. A man entered this tent. "Yes, Hathra?" Jaques answered, not sounding very interested. "I am here for a proposition, concerning Halftan." Those words coming out of Hathra's mouth did not sound encouraging... "And that is?" "As you know, Halftan is our leader. Also, as you know, he possesses...weakness." informed Hathra, "Were he to be...replaced, another leader would be much better, and I am sure they would choose to let you stay with us, rather than abandoning you to a religious village with hatred toward strangers, such as yourself." "And the conditions and results of Halftan being replaced?" Jaques said, now interested. "You would stay with us, and we would even give you a job. Of course, a demon such as you should have no problem with that." Jaques looked him in the eye, in a way that would intimidate most. "I am not a demon, but I could be there to help you, assuming you deal with him properly. What are your plans?" "On his way out of the town, we will come out and kill him. He should go alone, so it should be easy. We will do this tomorrow, if you choose to show yourself." With that, Hathra stood, turned his back to Jaques, and left, leaving a dagger on the ground. Jaques looked up at the mention of killing, and was about to respond, until he saw that Hathra had already left. He looked back down and contemplated this information. Controlling a group of hunters was something to be sought after in this world? Hathra could easily use his ambition in other ways. Why would this person do such a thing, when so much more was possible? Then there was the moral question. As Jaques knew, Hathra was Halftan's brother. Was society so corrupt now that brother fought against brother? Jaques picked up the dagger that was thrown on the ground, and looked at it. Did Hathra plan to have Jaques use this to help assassinate Halftan? Such a thing did not seem proper between brothers. And why was Jaques given a knife, and a blunt one at that, when there were much better tools, such as darts? Also, killing for power was wrong. Taking a life was one of the few crimes that could not be undone. Jaques stood, determined that he would go warn Halftan. As Jaques walked, Hathra stood, and looked at him strangely. Then, seeing he was going towards Halftan's tent, stood up and walked toward Jaques. "I know you think to warn him, and you won't. I have laid special plans, and I will kill you before I cancel them at the whim of those such as you. If you try to go to him, I will kill you, along with every other person who gets in my way. Now, I give you one last chance. Back off and help me, or die." Jaques balled up his fists. Better the death of the guilty, attempting to protect the life of the innocent, than another death of a guilty one. Jaques had complete confidence that Hathra would lose if it came to a fight. "Your plans end now." Jaques answered, "Even if I die, then I will die protecting life. There is no shame in such a thing." "So be it." Hathra moved quickly, pulling back a fist, and quickly punching toward Jaques' jaw. Jaques, equally quickly dodged to the left, and caught Hathra's fist, counter attacking with a knee into Hathra's stomach. Hathra bent over, hurt, and received a chop to the top of his neck, sending him on the ground. Jaques, in preparation for the final move, sent a jab down toward Hathra's throat, only to have Hathra roll onto his back, and kicking off of Jaques, sending him back onto his feet. Jaques was knocked flat onto the ground, which he pushed off in order to land on his feet, ready for Hathra to attack. He sent a kick toward Jaques, who caught it, and sent Hathra laying flat onto the ground. "Enough!" Jaques and Hathra both looked up, startled. Halftan had just come out of his tent, and neither had noticed him. Jaques spoke first, "Halftan, Hathra was going to-" "To warn you...Jaques was going to try to kill you." Hathra interrupted. "When I went, he threatened to kill me before I could warn you." Halftan looked at Jaques, then punched him in the face, sending the surprised Jaques onto the ground. "Go, you are to leave now, for next time I see you, your death will be at my hands. Attempted murder is not something I tolerate." He turned around, helped Hathra up. "This demon is unimportant. Have no fear brother, he will not harm you again." Jaques walked to the town, feeling discouraged. At the moment he had nothing but what he was wearing, and the idea of finding someone to let him stay for free was unlikely, especially considering his diabolical features. At last, he reached a small inn. He needed shelter, as it looked like it was about to rain, and it most definitely would freeze that night. There was not much choice in what methods Jaques would be forced to use. As Jaques entered the closest inn, he tried his best to not act self-conscious about his skin. Virtually everyone was looking at him, and the music even paused as he entered. Jaques looked around, there was one group of people gambling for some money, winning if they chose the correct one of three metal cups. Jaques went over to this group of people. He ordinarily wouldn't gamble, even if he had the money, but there were times when it was better to gamble than to die of the cold. Jaques would make sure that the stakes were as low as possible, to insure that he wouldn't have to lose too much for failure. Several people looked up, startled, as they saw him come. Virtually all of them looked unhappy; apparently there was plenty of failure here. "I wish to try my luck for some money, I need lodging for tonight." "So be it. My name is Gosh." said the man, "These are the stakes. You do two weeks work for me, against me paying for you to sleep here for tonight, for two days." "And if there is cheating, the cheater loses all." Jaques answered. There was little way Gosh could disagree to that, if he disagreed, he would no longer be trusted, and would be accused of cheating by many people. The he realized that what Jaques said, was not a command, it was a statement. So, he nodded, acting as if everything was all right. The man picked up a pea, and put it in a cup. After flipping all of the cups over on the table, he moved them around, attempting to confuse Jaques with the swift movements. After a few minutes, he stopped. "Which cup?" he asked. Jaques had been very observant, and recognized this man's trick. So, he decided to take a risk and flipped over all the cups. There was no pea. There were gasps from a few people around the table. "None, it is in your hand." Jaques said, smiling. "Every person who gambled here can have their money back, and I'll take any that remains." After taking his money, and leaving Gosh to the local law enforcement, Jaques went over to the bartender, who was currently washing some glasses. Jaques strongly despised alcohol, at least after he tried it back at camp. It was such a waste. However, this bartender would more than likely also be the person in charge of this place, and would be the ideal person to go to for a room, and perhaps a bit of water. The next day, Jaques was met with a disturbing site. Halftan had apparently gone to this place for some unknown business. After Halftan left, then the ambush that Hathra was involved in, was sure to happen. Jaques would have to save Halftan. The result of him not, would be terrible. Jaques went back upstairs silently, attempting not to be seen. He would have to exit using an alternative method. He looked around, and saw a window. He silently opened it, and dropped through it to the ground. Now he would just have to sit, and wait for Halftan, or for Halftan's people to show up. After about two hours, Halftan came out. Jaques was forced to follow him closely, and silently. Halftan didn't go far before Hathra and a few of his supporters came out, blocking the way for Halftan. "I'm afraid Halftan, that your time has come." Hathra said, pulling out a sword. "You should have listened to the demon, he seemed to be correct about me." "Hathra," Halftan said, "I do not wish to kill you, but I shall if I must. I may die, but you will not survive if you follow this course." He pulled out his own sword, a long katana, and held it at a standard defensive stance, ready for Hathra and his men. "I'll take him alone, come if I call." Hathra answered. Hathra stepped forward, his blade held out, also in a standard position. Suddenly then Hathra turned, and slashed at Halftan from the side. Halftan blocked quickly, and kicked Hathra in the stomach. Hathra countered by charging, and head-butting Halftan in the stomach, knocking him over. Hathra stood over Halftan, and held a sword near his throat. "Your time is about to come to an end Halftan. Any last words?" Suddenly, Hathra's expression changed into one of shock, and the blade he was holding got kicked out of the way by someone standing behind him. Hathra fell over to the side, dead. Jaques was standing behind him. "You should have listened to me Halftan." Jaques said, "But for now we have to deal with his people." Jaques turned around, to see all of them standing there, obviously afraid. "You can run now if you wish, and I'll let you survive." All of the men seemed to turn, and they fled. "Let us get back to your camp site." Jaques said. |
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Logos Again? Banned  Since: 07-24-06 Since last post: 6106 days Last activity: 6196 days |
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| I don't think the use of metric measurements is really needed, wouldn't it be enough to suggest his height by other means? I also think that you don't need so many "..."s, it's goign to be a book isn't it? Elara got to it before me, but less commas, please. And this is a bit more of my opinion, but does everything need to be so direct? The characters actions should suggest what you're trying to express them as, not the narration, I believe. | |||
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Lord Vulkas Mormonus Vile High Xeodent of Xeomerica. Since: 10-29-04 From: North Carolina, United States. World, Sol System, milky way Since last post: 96 days Last activity: 96 days |
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| Tone is a very important part of the characters. However, later on then there is more about how they talk. Like I said, that chapter needed some editing with the dialog.
I'll post the next chapter after it's edited. |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 101 days Last activity: 101 days |
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| Logos, the "..." is known as an ellipse. Just a little FYI.
Anywho, again I feel that a bit of description of the setting would be nice to help visualize the story as it happens. Bit better on the commas this time I noticed, but you also might want to find words other than "quickly" to use in describing speed. |
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Logos Again? Banned Since: 07-24-06 Since last post: 6106 days Last activity: 6196 days |
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Originally posted by Elara Ellipse is an oval isn't it? I didn't say ellipsis because I didn't want anyone to mistake what I meant. Granted I don't know much about your story, Vulcanlogic, but I can't implicate what the "..."s are trailing off to, an ellipsis is an implicated ommision, not a break in thought. Perhaps commas, or a period instead? Originally posted by Vulcanlogic Isn't that an anachronism, seeing as the metric system is relatively new (a few centuries old)? A stylistic point, vary your sentence structure a bit, it's a bit redundant and would read a lot better (in my opinion) if you made some simple changes. |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 101 days Last activity: 101 days |
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| In math, an ellipse is not an oval, it is the locus of points on a plane where the sum of the distances from any point on the curve to two fixed points is constant. The two fixed points are called foci (plural of focus). Looks like a bit like one though. In writing though, an ellipse is "...". Damn you English language and your double meaning words!
I'm guilty of using ellipses when I type to indicate pauses in speach, though in english classes I've gotten shit for it because of intended usage of the ellipse. However, it is generally overlooked if you are using it in speech, since people get cut off or thoughts trail off. Just keep it to a minimum and all is well. |
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Logos Again? Banned Since: 07-24-06 Since last post: 6106 days Last activity: 6196 days |
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Originally posted by Elara That's an oval. Try it. = Not to mention that ellipsis can also be a figure of speech for any implied ommision, so it doesn't have to be "...". = Regarding your story, again, the impression I get from a character pausing so much is hesitance, though their speech would make me think the opposite. Would you be so kind as to tell more about your characters? Also, I only noted one instance of this but "barren wasteland"? How many times have I heard the two words together? |
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Lord Vulkas Mormonus Vile High Xeodent of Xeomerica. Since: 10-29-04 From: North Carolina, United States. World, Sol System, milky way Since last post: 96 days Last activity: 96 days |
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| And the next one. I'd like to know who you all think is the main protagonist at this point, to see if I'm getting what I want right.
As Jaques and Halftan neared the camp, they noticed a lack of movement. Everything seemed still as Jaques and Halftan entered it. They neared the center of the camp, and at last they saw something. There were many dead bodies scattered around. Everyone here was dead. Jaques looked toward Halftan, to see his face bearing a great look of sadness. Halftan went around the bodies as if looking for something. He at last seemed to find someone alive, though just barely. Halftan’s father lay on the ground, several stab wounds through his chest, and several of his limbs appearing disfigured. His breathing was labored. “Halftan!” Jaques called, “Come.” “Father!” Halftan rushed towards him, and an expression of anger appeared on his face when he saw the wounds. “The men…” His father coughed, “They announced that they were going to kill you, and that Hathra was in charge now.” He coughed again. “We fought…fought to the last man. I killed the last one.” He gestured vaguely to a body a few feet away. “all is lost.” With a final cough, he went silent. Dead. “No…” Halftan said, and louder, “No!” "Power is overrated, given the results.” Jaques said, “What next?” “This happens, and already you ask what next?” Shouted Halftan in an outrage, “These people killed him. He was their leader, a father to all, and they killed him, they ignore all he did for them…as if it was nothing!” “He died.” Jaques replied, “Nothing else remains in him.” “Is that all you can say? Were it not for him we would both be dead now! He’s the reason we didn’t leave you to the wolves, the reason we let you stay with us, and you dismiss that as if it were nothing?” “Yes,” was the response, “It is over. No time needs to be wasted with the dead.” Tears in his eyes, Halftan bent over, and picked up his father’s body. “We’re going to bury them all, then decide what’s next.” Jaques and Halftan spent the remainder of the day burying the dead, and collected a few of their weapons, but no more than was necessary. After doing it, Halftan walked off, going into one of the tents, and laying down to rest. Jaques stood outside, keeping watch over anything that might happen in the camp. Early in the next morning, after a sleepless night, Jaques heard the sound of thundering. Jaques quickly rushed to Halftan, who awakened immediately, eyes red. “Horses.” he said, reaching for his sword. In his haste, Halftan clumsily knocked the sword off of the table on which it had sat. With a curse to his clumsiness, he sat up, and picked up his sword properly. Jaques also reached for a sword, pulling one from the pile of weapons they had made after burning the bodies. He didn’t know how to use it, but it would be better than nothing at all. As the horsemen approached, there was a banner held up high, it had a small flag, containing two swords crossing each other, with a scepter above them, pointing up. Halftan looked up in awe. "That is the king’s banner. He, or his people, is coming here, towards our camp!” “The king?” Jaques asked, “King of what?” “The king of Agraethia, of course. What else?” “And exactly what is Agraethia?” Jaques had gained little knowledge of where he lived, not many people volunteered information to a demon. “Agraethia is where we live. There have been better kings, this one taxes us more than is needed, and isn’t a good politician, but in the overall, he keeps us safe, even if many of the troops are dedicated towards finding rebels.” By this time the horses had reached them, and a man jumped off his own horse. "King Mozer sends his regards." The man said, stepping forward, his view of the bodies blocked by Jaques and Halftan. "One of his advisors have been killed, and he seeks another. Where is Halftan?" Halftan stepped forward. "I am he," he said, "and I will need further information before I can accept." "I have a list of terms and agreements that we can go over, but we must leave now, we can discuss terms later. I have a horse for you to ride." “Any why does he want me?” asked Halftan, “There are many more suitable people to work with him, and I have nothing special about me. I couldn’t even allow normal men to listen to me.” “His majesty wanted someone…more normal.” Came the answer, “you are somewhat renowned, and given that you have fallen on hard times recently, I thought you would want to come.” "And what of the other unmanned horses?" Jaques observed, "Did you have trouble along the road?" "Ah, well, yes." Said the soldier, getting his first good look at Jaques, he jerked back as soon as he saw his face. “There was a slight amount of trouble concerning one of our soldiers and a bit of trouble with gambling. It seems that after he was discovered cheating in a town very close to here, he was killed by several people. It is a pity, gambling was never something I agreed with, and he was corrupted with it." "Then I request that this man ride on the second horse," said Halftan, "he has no exactly succeeded in an attempt to fly yet, and I would like him to come." Jaques glanced at Halftan. There was no need for that, Jaques could survive on his own. "Regretfully, no." replied the soldier. "You are to come, and no one else is needed." The soldier went back to his horse, and mounted it. "But if you are coming, we need to hurry. We are late in getting here, and we must quickly go back." "Find youself another man." Halftan said, "For I owe this man my life, even after I rejected him, he still came to help me. I will not leave him here, for that is the least I owe him." "So be it." The soldier mounted his horse, and the group of men left quickly. "That is unnecessary,” said Jaques. “I don’t need you, I can survive on my own.” "You forget something Jaques," Halftan said, "you still know virtually nothing of this world. Until a moment ago, you had no idea what country you were in, or that there was even a rebellion in this country. “Then stay for now, What next?” "Well, you must first be trained in combat." Hlaftan answered, "You are strong, but your weakness is technique, and weapons. You will learn precision, and much else under me, if you wish it.” "I accept your training, I will learn under you Halftan, and I will hold you free of this debt." "Then let us have our first straining battle here, and now." Halftan picked up a sword, and tossed it to Jaques, who caught it, and held it incorrectly. "This is a katana," Halftan explained, "These are very rarely used here in Agraethia, and it came from some unknown traders in the east. Only one side is used, and this blade is designed more for slicing and technique than most swords. You can take that, but it may be a good idea for us to get you a broad sword, or even a two-handed sword when you get the chance. However, when it comes to slashing, this blade should be all you need to learn." Halftan picked up his own blade, and held it out in front of him in a two handed grip, the sword slightly curved forward, toward Jaques. "Hold your blade like this, in a standard defensive grip. It allows to to be able to move quickly to slash at your enemies, and is in a position to be able to block most attacks that your enemies make." Jaques did as he was instructed, and held the blade. The way to hold it correct seemed to come instinctively to him, though he had no idea why. "Now," Halftan said, "I want you to slash at me, make sure that you stop the blade before it hits me though, as it would be bad to cause harm." Jaques, again instinctivle knew what to do, and he swung his sword at Halftan, only to have his blade blocked by Halftan twirling his blade. "Good Jaques." Halftan said, as they were engaged in an underhand sword lock, "but the problem is that of angle." Halftan turned the blade with great strength, knocking the katana out of Jaques hand. "You havd your blade pointing down, at a bad angle, where I hand my blade held like I would a normal sword, only it was upside down. This allows me to use more strength." A few hours of fighting later, Halftan called the fighting to a stop. It was getting dark. "You fight well, but you need to tame your strength, you seem to use more brute force than technique or strategy. But at the same time, then that seems to be the type of fighter you are made to be. But for now, we can't stay here in this abandoned camp. Thieves are common here, and will attack groups with small numbers." "Then we go to the town?" Jaques asked. "No, I think that we still have enough time left for travel." Halftan answered. "Instead, I offer you a few suggestions." "What are these suggestions" Halftan though for a minute. "You are unique, and as such then you could easily have the ability to gain fame. However, in order for anyone to notice you, you must do something. "The first choice would to go after the elements. There are four elementals that you should locate. I know where two of these are, and would have gone after them a long time ago, were I not with the rest of my hunting group, and with my family. I believe that if we got those two, then they would offer clues as to the next place we should go. "The second choice would be to go after the Atha set of armor. It is the only one made of adamantium in all of this country Agraethia. This armor I think would go well with you, and would allow you to be nearly invincible in combat. Also, there are rumors that this armor has with it many weapons, made of the same material. This includes an adamantium blade. "The third and final would be to join the king's military. You could get a name there, make good money, and help a lot of people. "So, which is your choice?" Jaques thought for a moment, and then answered. "I want to go after them all. First I want the power of the elements, then the armor, and finally I may chose to either join the king and his military, or to act alone, without command from the king." "Then let it be done. Tomorrow, we will get the needed supplies, and then we begin traveling to the element of wind." |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 101 days Last activity: 101 days |
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| Well, to be honest I am not sure who the main one is. The conversation with the soldier indicates that it is Halftan, but the later conversation at the end indicates Jaques... and also seems very much like dialogue in a video game (choose your quest).
On a side note, what the hell is up with the question marks everywhere? Word processor go nuts on you or something? |
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Lord Vulkas Mormonus Vile High Xeodent of Xeomerica. Since: 10-29-04 From: North Carolina, United States. World, Sol System, milky way Since last post: 96 days Last activity: 96 days |
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| I...don't see any question marks, except for when someone's asking a question. Don't know that it's from.
Also, that's the only video game like dialog I've allowed in this story. I'll get trhe next chapter soon. Only two left that I can actually show you all until the real story begins. |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 101 days Last activity: 101 days |
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| Seems to have fixed itself. First time I read it, the quotation marks were replaced with question marks. Might have been the computer I was using, I don't know. | |||
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Lord Vulkas Mormonus Vile High Xeodent of Xeomerica. Since: 10-29-04 From: North Carolina, United States. World, Sol System, milky way Since last post: 96 days Last activity: 96 days |
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| Sorry it took so long, I've been busy with...more recent chapters. But as a side bonus, I'm giving you two chapters instead of one!
The next day, after Halftan got a few supplies, and a horse. According the Halftan, this elemental ability was only able to be gained as a gift, and even then only if this person went to the temple for the specific element, the elements being air, water, fire, and earth. Halftan knew where air and earth were, but no others. "We are going to the temple of the element of air." Halftan answered. "With it, we could propel ourselves into the air, possibly allowing ourselves to fly. It is an element that could make life much easier, and knock enemies around with ease.” He lowered his voice. “But for now, we should be quiet. We are being followed." Jaques looked around uneasily. At first, he saw nothing. However, looking hard, he saw some bushes moving. Suddenly he saw something out of the corner of his eye move from one tree to the next. These people were skilled at avoiding the common eye. He would not have noticed them were it not for the fact that he already knew they were there. "They are either robbers, or kingsman." Halftan said quietly. "The king doesn't like that I refused him-he usually kills anyone who does as I did. You should be thankful for what I'm doing for you." There was an edge of bitterness to Halftan’s voice. Suddenly, a man stepped out in front of them, wearing black chain mail. "I am giving you another chance to join the king. It would be a wise choice." the man said threateningly. "No. I will not join a job if the only purpose if to save my life," Halftan replied, with an equally threatening voice. "This man saved my life, and will stay. You should back off, now." The man hesitated, but regained his previous threatening voice. "Then you forfeit your life, as well as the life of this...creature" Suddenly, materializing from almost nowhere, twelve men-at least they looked like they once were-appeared. Their faces were deformed, and several of them looked like they had survived through being stabbed, cut, and other serious wounds, and then all patched up. The needlework was still visible. And yet, these men were still alive, and moving. Jaques drew out his katana, and held it in the defensive position that Halftan had taught him. Halftan held his sword in a stronger, more offensive stance, standing prepared for the deformed men to attack. Suddenly, they charged, and Jaques was amazed by the speed and ferocity of these attackers. The first one to reach him attacked quickly at his legs, forcing Jaques to bring down his sword to block, and then to duck as another strike from a completely different attacker went toward his head. He quickly kneed his first opponent in the stomach, then struck him in the jaw, knocking his opponent back. He turned, and stabbed his sword into the second. The fighting came to a pause as the creature was impaled. It smiled at Jaques, grabbed his sword by its blade, and jerked itself out of the blade. But Jaques had no time to notice. Another one grabbed Jaques, and threw him forward to the ground. Jaques rolled, and quickly jumped to his feet. He charged, and swung his sword towards the closest soldier. It was chaos, most of them were concentrating on him as he swung his blade at them. Slowly he felt himself being pushed back. He was strong, but he could only fight so many people. He swung his sword again, decapitating a soldier. Its body caught its head skillfully, and held it under its shoulder, still fighting with its right hand. These were no ordinary soldiers. Halftan was simultaneously fighting three people at once, skillfully blocking a blow to the head, jumping over an attack to the legs, and then kicking the third person in the chest, knocking him into the huge group of people attacking Jaques, knocking some of them over. As the battle progressed, Jaques noticed something. There were no bodies on the ground, though there were several body parts, but if it could move, it would fight, even as just a hand, no matter what happened to them. If these people wouldn't die, then it would be necessary to just run. "Halftan!" Jaques shouted, after knocking several enemies away, and clubbing another, who was not effected by the assault. "We have to retreat; these men will not die by our hand!" Halftan swung his sword and made his way to Jaques. "when I give the word, we will run south, to get to our horse which ran away in this chaos, conveniently the way we need to go. Once we reach that point, then because you are the fastest, I'll ride it and you run. We should escape them that way. "We are going...now!" Halftan and Jaques both broke through, and charged as fast as they could. As soon as the reached the horses, Halftan jumped on, and kicked his horse forward. They both ran. The other creatures were not fast enough to stay in pace with them, even with Jaques being horseless. After running several miles at great speed without rest, Jaques and Halftan looked back, and noticed that there was no longer anyone in view behind them. So, Halftan called for a halt, and they both stopped to rest. "We've gone far enough to guarantee that they won't follow." Halftan said. "I'd say we just got ten miles in just half an hour. You being able to run that fast is nothing short of extraordinary." "It was not difficult." Jaques answered, not showing the appearance of having tired at all from this experience. "Good, then we can continue at a walking pace." answered Halftan, "I would prefer to reach the elemental temple soon." Jaques and Halftan continued traveling for several days. Each night Halftan sparred with Jaques, each time teaching him new tactics, new ways to attack, and better ways of defense. Jaques somehow mastered all of it easily. They traveled for fifteen hours each day, and rested only six, which meant that they got very far in a very short amount of time. When they finally reached the mountains, then they saw a very steep slope, with icy footing. "We'll have to climb from here." Halftan said, "We're going to have to tie a rope to each other, allowing us to make sure that if one person falls, he'll be fine." Jaques quickly tied a rope to himself, and Halftan tied the other end of it. They both began climbing quickly, using whatever footholds, and whatever handholds they could. The climb up was successful, and at last they reached the top of the cliff, where they rested, and continued climbing. They continued for several days like this, until they at last reached the top of the mountain. At the very top, they came up to see the temple. It was huge, a white building in a triangular shape, supported eight pillars, with a small stairway that looked like it would go under the temple. Halftan and Jaques went down the stairs, and came into a small room, filled with many writings. All of it set in the white stone walls. At last Halftan found a writing that was in their language. "'To whoever enters this temple, let him leave and offering of his own blood, and if it is untaken, he is now the new holder of the element of wind. He will have complete control over the power of wind, and nothing shall stand in his way.' I think this means we have to cut ourselves, and then we will control the wind." "It doesn't sound too hard." Jaques said. “You first then.” Jaques pulled out a knife, and then hesitated. To his knowledge, his skin had never been cut before. This would be a first time for him. He brought the knife up to his finger, with the intention to give himself a small cut for the wind, when he found he could not. No matter what he did, no matter how hard he pressed, his skin would not be cut. "I can't do it..." "This is no time for weakness." Halftan answered, "Do it. "No, I am not having weakness." Jaques said, "My skin will not be punctured." Halftan went next to Jaques, and grabbed the knife. He tried to cut, each time with harder strokes. He then began trying to saw at Jaques skin. Out of frustration, he finally sent one strong slash over Jaques’ arm, and something orange fell onto the altar. Suddenly there was a loud voice heard, it spoke in several languages, until it eventually cycled to Jaques'. "You are now the only owner of the power of the wind. No others will stand before your newfound might." Next chapter: Jaques felt different after the voice spoke. He then looked at his hands for a moment, and then put them back down. “The power of the wind…now in my hands…” “Yes, but we need to go.” Halftan answered. “There were storm clouds coming last time I looked, and we need to get down off the mountain. This temple is not enough shelter to protect us. You go ahead and go up, I’ll do my part, then we can both go down.” Jaques stood. “This storm has no power over me. I will be back in a moment, and then we can climb down.” Jaques went out, and Halftan sat down. Jaques looked up as he went outside, and saw that there were indeed some clouds, and it was time to test his newfound power. He concentrated, hard. He suddenly a great wind came flying past, and the clouds began to stop, and then noticeably move the other way. Ordinarily this wind could result in a tornado, but Jaques made sure that his wind was much stronger than the wind opposing it. Halftan came out, and looked at the fleeing cloud angrily. “You quickly take advantage of your powers. Enjoy it, you didn’t leave anything for me.” His voice was full of bitterness. Jaques stopped. “You were not given this power?” “No. Only you were given this chance. There can only be one.” “Only one?” Jaques said. “Very well, I well accept my newfound abilities. Halftan glared. “What did you do to our rope?” Jaques looked around also. “You had it….and you left it up here…didn’t you?” Halftan looked down. “You blew it down there, fool!” Halftan walked to the edge of the cliff, and began carefully going down, Jaques following. After they climbed about half way down the mountain, Halftan had Jaques stop. “The ice here is melting.” Halftan explained. “We should be careful from this moment on. The ice will not support you here.” Jaques continued, only more slowly. He looked carefully at his footing, and did near perfectly. Suddenly he heard a small crumbling of rock, and looked down, only to hear someone begin screaming, as they fell. Halftan had fallen down from the mountain. Jaques quickly tried to use the wind to slow him, but that was all he could do, and only just. Halftan fell, and hit the ground with a loud thud, and a crack that Jaques could hear even from his location. Paying no more attention to accuracy, Jaques began climbing down as fast as he could. He didn’t use wind, for fear that it would fail on him, just as much as it failed Halftan. Fortunately, Jaques was lucky, and did not have any accidents. He reached Halftan only to see a bruised and injured body, blood pouring out onto the ground. It was also turning dark, which meant that in the mountainous region, it would soon be getting very cold. Jaques tried to remember everything about this place. Halftan mentioned a nearby town, and said it was in the west. If Jaques could find someone willing to help them, Halftan may be allowed to keep his life. Jaques picked up Halftan, being careful to avoid the neck and higher back, where there was the most blood and began walking west. Any snow on the ground that Jaques saw, he simply blew away with his new elemental powers. It was not long before Jaques reached a house. It was tall, thin, and appeared old, with cobwebs in the windows, and the glass thicker on the bottom. Despite its appearances, Jaques decided to go in, and ask for help. He reached the house, and knocked. And old woman wearing many black clothes, and holding a staff answered. “Oh! That man needs help. Set him down on the couch there in the main room, and be careful not to ruin the table near it.” Jaques quickly complied, and set Halftan on the old couch, which exploded with dust when Halftan was set on it. “Is there anyone who can help him that is nearby?” He asked, “Halftan fell off one of the mountains a few hours ago, and will need someone to help him quickly.” “I know much more about that than any doctors you’ll find in the main city.” She answered, “Just stay here and leave him with me, and I’ll handle it.” “Thank you for your help.” Jaques said, only now realizing that he was exhausted from all that he did that day. “If you can help him, I would be very grateful.” “Leave this room, and then I can help him.” She replied “But I can’t have any conscious person watching my work.” Jaques left the room, only to encounter another room filled with chairs and couches. It was clear that she had plenty of those, though judging by the thick layer of dust that had settled on all the furniture, it hadn’t been used for a long time. Jaques walked over to one of the chairs, and sat down. This chair was more than likely the most comfortable one that he had ever remembered sitting in, but as he had very little memory of his past, that didn’t mean much. The same boy that had been in Jaques’ dream earlier appeared. He was standing inside a small kitchen, next to a woman, who he appeared to be helping with a task involving onions. “Mother,” The boy asked suddenly, “Could I ever be a knight?” “Not for a long time.” She answered, “but in a few years then it might be possible for you to join the city guard. They would be safer. Now you can go, I don’t need any more of your help here.” The boy walked out of the room unhappily, and then walked outside. The yard was small, but large enough to be more than a small amount of land. The boy looked back at his house, which was also small, but is looked well taken care of. The boy then heard a loud noise, like many people were talking all at once from only a small distance away. The child brightened, and ran toward the noise, which turned out to be coming from a large crowd. As the child made his way to the front of the crowd, a man wearing a black cloak could be seen. The man appeared to be holding a staff, and looked old. He was where a cloak and a hat, with stars place on many parts of it. “Welcome everyone!” He said, suddenly appearing to rise up off his feet. “I am the wizard Mashaa. I will be your entertainer tonight!” The wizard quickly snapped his fingers and disappeared. “My invisibility will be but the first of what I will do toda-“ Jaques felt a hand touch his shoulder, and awakened instantly. The old healer had just woken him up. “Halftan will be okay, but for now we need to look toward you own health.” “I’m healthy, and not any need of that.” Jaques answered. “No, I need a look at you, let me try.” She answered, with an eager tone. It was clear that she wanted to examine Jaques. It was strange, there was no fear in her eyes at his appearance. “No. Concentrate your energies on Halftan.” Jaques answer offered no argument in the discussion. “Then tell me your name.” She replied, disappointed. “My name is Jaques.” He answered, “And yours?” “I’m called Dogle.” She paused, “You are both mountain climbers?” “Not in the way you mean it.” Jaques answered, “but yes, we were climbing one of the mountains.” “Those mountains are dangerous. I am glad you learned your lesson about them.” “That is still in question.” Jaques stood, “nothing holds me to Halftan, and so now that I have your guarantee that he will recover, I will leave you both. Our lives are apart now, and I shall go alone.” “I would not recommend such a thing.” She said quickly, “Stay here, resting would be a good choice for you.” He turned, ignoring what she said, and walked towards the door. “Wait!” she cried out, almost frantically, “You must stay, I can help you…I’ll pay you to stay!” An eyebrow raised, Jaques opened the door, stepped out, and slammed it shut. (Last edited by Vulkar on 11-27-06 09:00 PM) |
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